“There was a lot of sex. There was a lot of pooping. There was a lot of disorder.” Or just the 2nd Episode of The Bachelor Season 18

Before we can dive right into all of last night’s madness, can we all just take a quick second to ponder something that’s on my mind? You ready for it?

Why, oh why, is Kelly’s dog still there?

We all know she’s a “dog lover,” it’s her “occupation” for God’s sake but didn’t she have someone, ANYONE at home that could watch Molly (I think they said that’s her name) for a few weeks (c’mon we all know Kelly’s only gonna last a couple more episodes anyways).

Okay, now that we’ve got that out of the way. Let’s move like last night’s episode right into the first date (Seriously, why didn’t we get to see the date card get delivered? WHERE WAS CHRIS HARRISON!?!), a one-on-one with Clare.

You may remember Clare from her faux baby bump introduction. Some of you may have thought it was cute or clever but I’m firmly in the camp who believes that was just the first taste of crazy from this one. This date confirmed this.

Now don’t get me wrong, I think Clare is very pretty (so you agree, you think you’re really pretty), has fabulous hair and a good sense of style (once you got past that baby bump last week, the dress was cute). I also think she has an issue keeping her overenthusiastic crazy under control. But before we can get into her usage of fairy tale analogies, Clare must give us the scoop on her dating habits, “I don’t date, I don’t go to bars..” but she does apply a mean lip gloss while laughing quietly to herself in the mirror (what was that?).

JP swings by the casa to pick up Clare in “his car” (really Juan Pablo, is it YOUR car?) but Clare is not allowed in before getting blindfolded. This is clearly how she likes to begin all of her dates. She giggles incessantly as they make their way to the surprise location. I’m sure they are talking (and by they, I mean Clare talks while JP nods) but all I can focus on is how white Clare’s teeth are. Wowzer – she really hit those Crest Whitestrips hard before heading out to LA huh?

They finally arrive at a Winter Wonderland that Juan Pablo claims to have planned special for Clare (big ups to the producers!). Clare thinks it’s all so wonderful and hits us with our first Disney reference. (You guys, we’re only 5 minutes into the SECOND episode. Shit is getting real this season.) “I feel like this is the perfect fairytale and I am living it right now.” I’m pretty well versed in my fairy tales and I’m still scratching my head trying to figure out which Brothers Grimm tale involves a prince dating 25 desperate girls in hopes of finding his one true love. Do you all have any guesses?

While you’re thinking about that why don’t you just think about this gem that Clare also shared in between snow frolicking, “All I can do is sit there and smell him. He smells like heaven in a bottle.” Yes my friends, she said that. And that is why she is still single.

The producers know that we’re all fighting the urge to jump through the TV and bury Clare in a pile of fake snow so they send us back to the pad where Lucy is just letting it all hang out. No really, she’s topless.

“I’m not going to go unnoticed,” she tells the other girls while reeking of desperation and patchouli.

Since they’ve done their job is lessening Clare’s crazy load, we can head back to hear her “check” off some date prerequisites (“We’re having a blast… check! He’s hilarious…check!”) Not sure what these prerequisites are for but after a minute, I’m guessing they are what need to happen before she can go into more detail on her daddy issues.

And before we can say “Papa can you hear me?” Clare is down to her skivies and massaging Juan Pablo’s back in the hot tub. This wouldn’t be totally cringe worthy if she wasn’t blabbing on incessantly about how great her daddy was. Now, I’m not trying to be insensitive (I can’t help it, I was born this way) and I know it’s super sad that her dad passed away but it was NINE years ago. I’m thinking that it’s time for you to accept it and figure out a way to move on with your life at this point.

Also, nothing kills a mood more than talking about your “daddy” while you’re trying to get sexy. From the look on JP’s face, he was feeling the same way we were. Thankfully he dunks her under the water, shakes her until she stops and then grabs her face aggressively to kiss her (okay so just that last part actually happened).

The kiss transports Clare to a world where all her dreams come true and where the man of her dreams “tastes like snow.” (Does she know what real snow looks like?) Just when I thought this thing couldn’t get any more ridiculous, we hear music in the background.

For the love of all things good and holy, please tell me there is not a musical performance on this date. ABC wasn’t wasting any time with this one were they. It’s everything but the kitchen sink for the first date.

While I get serious case of the sads for this Marc Cohen soundalike, a little piece of my soul simultaneously dies as I watch Clare and Juan Pablo prance (yes, that’s what they were doing) across the faux snow.

They dance the night away as I lunge for my remote control (praise the lord for DVR!).

It’s electric with Kat

Next up on the roster is Kitty Kat. Kat seems like a nice, normal enough girl but we all know that can change faster than you can say “first impression rose” so we’ll see what happens.

All the other girls are jealous as hell but Kat doesn’t rub it in too much before jumping in the borrowed Bentley and heading out. Their next stop – a private jet! Wowser. This is big time.

The minute Kat sees the jet, her mind starts wandering, throwing out ideas of where they are heading. Her top two guesses: Miami and New York. Um, did she not realize that they are filming in Los Angeles. I’m guessing she’s not great with geography at this point but I’m doubting that the producers would set you up on date that took you cross-country … on the first episode.

Instead of sunny Miami, it’s off to Salt Lake City (wah wah). I thought that might result in a total bummer but instead this date gets some points for originality since they’re doing a Glow Run.

I want to get all sassy on this date but the only things worth snarking on are Kat’s dance moves and Juan Pablo calling the music “beautiful” (only someone who lives in Miami would call house music beautiful).

So rather than spending a lot of time waxing poetic on day glow and how ridiculous it is to think you’re falling in love after a neon dance run, I’m going to move right on ahead to the group date aka the good stuff.

p.s. – Kat gets the rose.

Group Date: Say Cheese. And by Say Cheese, We Mean Get Drunk.
Chelsea, Kristy, Kelly, Cassandra, Andi, Renee, Lauren, Ali, Chantel, Nikki, Elise, Victoria and Lucy.

Before the head out, the girls take guesses on what they’ll be doing. Kelly comes in strong with her best guess, “I would assume it’s a photo shoot but maybe it’s eating cheese. I’m good at both so I’m okay with either.” Good to know Kelly. Thanks for that.

In other preparation news, Lucy realizes that lifting up her shirt and exposing herself may work for tips at her neighborhood strip joint but it may not be the way to catch Juan’s eye. As a side note, if I was one of the other girls I would give her a titty twister the next time she flashed those pups and make her seriously reconsider doing it ever again.

I mean really, does she not have a father? An employer? Anyone that would prefer that she keep her top on during a stint on national television?  Can’t you keep what little remains of your dignity inside your bra?

Moving on. The brigade of boots + cut-offs hop in a limo and it’s off to the races. Kelly, was half right (they are doing a photo shoot, not sure about the eating cheese). Good work Kel.

Willy Wonka pops out of a linen closet and explains to the gals that they will be pairing up with a puppy, dressing up in totally random costumes and making a calendar or poster of some sort.  Um, why didn’t they bring Molly or whatever Kelly’s dog is named. She was made for this.

The girls break to prepare and Lucy wanders off where she keenly observes, “There was a lot of sex. There was a lot of pooping. There was a lot of disorder.” Basically what Lucy calls a Wednesday night.

It turns out that while some girls get to sport bikinis and fancy dresses, others are stuck with ridiculous body paint, weird puffy wigs (what was up with that) and silly costumes. Others are stuck with nothing. Yup, you read that right. Nothing.

What the what are they supposed to be? Is Chelsie a space alien on her way to work?

I want to high-five the producers like I’m Barney Stinson (How I Met Your Mother) for the sheer genius of this set up. It’s like an America’s Next Top Model shoot on acid.

Unfortunately for Elise and Andi, they draw the short stick and wind up with no clothes to wear. Obviously there is a little pouting and I totally get it. These gals have a shred of dignity and realize that, as a first grade teacher and a prosecuting attorney, it may not be in their best interest to get naked on TV. Respect.

What I don’t understand is why both of them don’t take off running straight to Lucy the minute they find out. Eventually Elise realizes Lucy will do a tradesy with her and she happily dons her fire hydrant costume.

Poor Andi is stuck and is all sad until sweet, sweet Juan Pablo comes over and sprinkles Latin happiness all over her (sorry I realize now that sounds VERY dirty). It’s just come to me that I haven’t talked nearly enough about how precious Juan Pablo is… I mean he barely speaks English but whatever he’s putting down, I’m picking it up.

In a moment of true bliss for all the ladies at home, JP says he’ll get naked if she will and it’s game on. In other news, Andi is really, really pretty.

oh you’re getting naked too? then count me in!

Favorite Moment by far though was Juan Pablo and Renee’s Lady and the Tramp recreation. Those two are the sweetest.

Gotta love a little lady and the tramp action.

Otherwise, I’m pretty bored with this and just biding my time with online shopping until the drunken lady fest begins.

Each girl is required to chug a bottle of champagne and throw on the tightest dress they packed before heading to the same hotel they ALWAYS go to in LA.

The first lady desperate for attention is Cassandra who let’s us know she’s been unnecessarily clingy to her mom for a reason… she’s got a kiddo. Sorry Mama Cass, Renee already has you beat on cutest Mom in the top 15.

She musters up all the courage her 90 lb body can handle and confesses this news to JP. Because he’s adorable and lovely, he reacts in the sweetest way possible. He is a precious puppy.

Speaking of precious puppies, Renee is up next and she is determined to get a lip lock. The will they or won’t they tension in this three minute segment is crushing and I’m not sure if I want to hide under my couch cushions or jump through the TV and push their faces together. JUST KISS ALREADY!

I won’t even be mad if it’s loud, wet and sloppy.

While these two have been off being cutey patooties, Victoria has been drinking everything in sight. And it’s awesome. Have I told you guys how much I love when people get crazy over the rose and by crazy, I mean drunk.

And so begins, the Victoria show.

“This is how I am sober,” Vicky slurs to sweet little Nikki the Nurse. Oh Victoria, this is what we’ve been waiting for. Looks like you just punched your card to the pad.

Nikki the Nurse just sits next to her shaking her head, ready to jump and dodge should things get nasty.  Speaking of nasty, I’m not sure what the hymen maneuver is but apparently Victoria gave it to Juan Pablo earlier in the day. Maybe Nikki can clarify (actually, no thank you please).

is that the hymen manuever?

Victoria is running around the roof top with her mouth hanging open like a Muppet creeping on everyone getting a little Juan-on-Juan time (sorry, I couldn’t help it).

Her latest victim is Nikki who is just trying to sneak a little under the blanket action when Victoria comes loud talking in their direction. JP asks if someone’s been over-served but Nikki knows that snitches get stitches so she just does a little eye brow raise and let’s JP put two and two (cocktails) together.
At this point, Victoria loses it and we get to watch her go through every phase of drunk, annoying girl: loud, bitchy, delusional, a little crazy, sad and overly aggressive. My favorite has got to be delusional. Talking to herself in the hot tub definitely didn’t get enough air time.

Just as Juan Pablo heads off to talk to big drunky, Drew comes into the room at this point with a little truth bomb, “This is why the girls throw fits, so they get attention.” Truth. Although the fact that JP dosn’t booze strong may mean that this girl has a one way ticket back home (as long as that hippy swirly producer can book her one).

I wish Juan P would just send her home on the spot but he’s a kind, gentle soul and he tells her to get it together and then asks the other gals to take good care of her since he’s getting the hell out of here. He dips but not before giving Kelly the date rose. Didn’t see that one coming but she did have to dress up like a polka dot alien and didn’t complain once (because she knew Molly her dog/lover would love it when she got home).

Did anyone else notice that ole girl has a wonky left eye? Why won’t it open all the way? Maybe that’s why she’s a professional “dog lover.” Still trying (really hard) to figure that one out. You guys got any ideas?

So it’s back to the house but Vicky isn’t allowed back so JP has to go hit up the hotel to send her home. He is WAY too nice to her, accepts her apology but uses the ultimate trump card, little Camila as his out. “I just can’t have you around CaMEEla.” Victoria tries to say it’s just the latin lady in her “Welcome to Brazil,” she says in a last ditch effort but JP sweetly says it’s time to go and so we’ll never really know what the hymen maneuver is.

Rose Ceremony

This post is WAY too long so I’m going to cut this short and only remark on the one thing that gave me a heeby jeeby case of the SE’s – Amy’s interview.

What the what was that? The fake interview. NO! The TV voice. NO! Looking straight into the camera. NO NO NO!  The interview questions about herself in the third person. NO NO NO NO NO! I can’t take it. Someone cut off her imaginary mic.

Juan Pablo barely speaks but I know this is giving him some major SE too.

In other news, Sharleen realizes she acted like a total turd last time and apologizes for that and her love for beige dresses.

Obviously there has been a lot of girl talk this episode but that’s because I don’t think JP has said more than 7 sentences this entire episode. I love it. Just keep those puppy dog eyes, earnest nods and “I understands,” coming. Seriously though, even when he does douchey stuff he’s annoying. He can do no wrong.

Rose ceremony:
Kelly, Clare and Kat already have roses. The rest go to:

* Cassandra

* Nikki the Nurse

* Andi (YAY!)

* Elise – did she push two girls on the way to her rose?

* Sharleen

* Renee (YES!)

* Danielle

* Lucy (Why!?!)

* Allison

* Chelsea

* Lauren

Cut to Amy who bites her lip more than Ariel in the Little Mermaid.

* Kristi

So Amy and Chantel are out. P.s. – do any of you watch Real World/Road Rules Challenge? Because Chantel looks just like Jasmin from that show (not the Disney princess).

Oh Amy, don’t give up on love but do get the hell out of here.

I know it’s been a long recap and I’m feeling like it’s not some of my most inspired work but stay tuned because next week, I promise to bring the heat.

Hola Mi Amour * The Hunt for the Juan * The Bachelor Season 18 Episode 1

Hey you guys! Did you miss me? Probably not, you probably just forgot about me and moved on to a bitchier, better Bachelor blogger. Don’t worry I’m not going to cry like a contestant with daddy issues. I know I’ve been away but I’m back and ready to share my love of Juan Pablo with the world.

Seriously guys, it’s Juan Pablo time. First off, I gotta give a big, giant, sealed with a wet kiss thank you to ABC for giving us all this belated Christmas gift. Nice, nice work. Your best trabajo in years (my apologies in advance, there’s going to be a lot of Spanglish going on this season).

So let’s all forget about Ben Flajnik and Desiree, put them in the past and get excited about a long winter’s nap heating up with Juan P.

“God damn you are good looking in person,” said Juan Pablo.

Unfortunately, I didn’t share my excitement with my DVR and due to an unfortunate (more like blessing in disguise) glitch, I missed almost the entire portion of the show dedicated to sob stories, awkward desperation cries and long walks on the beach (boardwalk, farm, small town Main Street). I was spared a lot of secondary embarrassment which could be a good thing or a bad thing. For me, the only bad part is that I’m coming into these limo reveals without any back story. The good part, I don’t have to learn a lot about a bunch of girls that aren’t going to last past the first 45 minutes.

I’m going to chalk this one up as a win since I get to mentally fast-forward straight to home-sweet-home (aka the bachelor mansion) and a quick bro catch up with my long lost boy toy Chris Harrison. Missed you boo bear.

You know who I missed more… oh you know. It’s Juan Pablo. After blowing a few kisses at my paused TV screen (Drew was in the basement watching the football game), I’m ready to kick things off. Let’s do this mi amour.

Side note: totally loving on JP’s new English skills. How cute is it that he practiced? How cute is he for doing literally ANYTHING? Sorry, I digress. Back to the limos.

With squeels of delight and “he’s so cute” in the background (from the limos, not from ME. C’mon you guys), we’re ready to unleash the ladies of Limo Numero Uno (sorry i can’t help it).

* Amy. I’m going to call you Jessica Rabbit. Why is your dress so sparkly? Please tell me this is not going to be a pageant dress parade. Pretty, pretty please.

* Cassandra. How nervous is this girl? At least she’s letting her cleavage make the first impression because lord knows her awkward lack of talking isn’t winning JP over.

* Christy. Too tan. Why the white dress? Ditch that headpiece. This isn’t Coachella.

I am getting super judgy but JP is digging it. Take note ladies:  A little clevage and a lot of barrel curls will go a long way with a man.

* Christine. This little latina in the green dress is from Miami (you can totally tell from her accent) and I’m thinking JP may dig this gal. Bonus points for bringing a little present for Camila.

* Nikki the Nurse. Just an FYI, this will be how I refer to her from here on out (which could be a long time judging by the previews). Not sure how I feel about the stethoscope prop. I give her credit for giving JP an excuse to get super close to her ta-tas.

Limo Numero Dos

* Kat. This little kitty is a dancer who is pulling her best J.Law impression in that red dress.

* Chantel. All I know about Chantel is that she is very sassy about name pronunciation. She’s bossy (say it in the Kelis voice and it will be better).

* Victoria. This little lady is from Brazil and drops a little portugese language bomb on JP which he totally digs. All I know is ABC better be ready with the subtitles with these two.

Side note: Can we please outlaw the awkward hugs that accompany this portion of the show. They are all forced, they all make me uncomfortable and the girls always do something weird with their face/body to avoid leaving a giant make-up schmear on the guy’s shoulder.

* Lucy. Okay first off, “free spirit” is not a job. If it was, we’d all be free spirits and living like we’re part of the 1%. We all saw the special yesterday, old girl works in a boutique so cut the crap and just put “Sales Associate” or the like. Also, take off that stupid flower crown, put on some shoes you hobo and stop acting like a five year old. Lucy, you’re already wearing me out and we’ve just met. This doesn’t bode well for your SE future.

* Danielle. What a beautiful name. That is all.

* Woah what’s happening? Is Sarah Baralleies performing on the first episode? Nope, it’s just Lauren or whatever her name is, flexing her talent muscle on the piano. I’ll give her credit for coming strong with a real talent instead of a horse/skateboard (I’m looking at you Lindzi and Jef – gah their stupid name spelling should have been the first warning).

Lauren, in all her talent glory, forgets to tell JP her name. So he chases her inside which causes ole Jessica Rabbit to do her best Kevin McAllister impression. Hey ladies, Chill the F**K Out.

You can play my keys. Wait did I say that out loud?

Limo Numero Tres

* Chelsea. Love that dress and this girl seems cool until… wait… no, take off those science nerd frames. No no no, do not say “let’s have chemistry.” Thank the lord above that she didn’t kiss him. For a half second,  I thought she might and I got super uncomfortable. I’m not totally out on this girl but she’s treading on thin ice.

* Valerie. Oh cut it out with the cowboy boots. You’re not THAT country.  –

* Elise. This one kind of weirds me out. Why is she walking (no sauntering) so slow? What’s with the pageant talk? Why is she making me so uncomfortable unintentionally?

* Ashley. Love the dress. She seems a little old for JP though.

* Clare. WTF. Take off that fake baby bump. That shit is just weird. Seriously, it’s really really weird. I miss a lot of their interaction because my mouth is hanging open in disbelief that this is really happening in front of me. Why are people so strange/desperate for attention?

*Alli. Alli knows whats up. She’s breaking out those soccer skills to impress Juan. And it certainly fills the time better than a hug and oddly staring at each other.

* Amy.  “I’m here for you, because it’s you.” Well hey there big crazy. We’ve been waiting for you! Drinks are inside. Grab a few and we’ll talk later.

* Renee. Hot mama. Seriously though, she’s really pretty (so you agree, you think she’s really pretty) and seems semi-normal. And she’s got a little boy. Love it.

* Lauren. Woof. First off, those shoes. And second, don’t do that smushed up thing with your nose. It does nothing (and I mean nothing) for you.

* Maggie.  Our resident southern belle. “Lures” him in with a little fishing gift and that accent.

REALLY?

* Really, a dog? Really? And then your job is “dog lover?” That’s NOT A JOB. Sorry, not to be insensitive but that’s NOT A JOB. It’s just not. And why does the dog go with her to the party? Also, has the dog been stealing all her food? Kelly – we’re getting off to a VERY bad start.

Limo Numero Quattro

* Lacy. More pageant dresses. This time with a side of red hots courtesy of a prescription from Dr. Cupid. No. Just No.

* Alexis. I can’t even remember what this girl looks like now. My b.

* Kylie. If the double wave didn’t alert you to the fact that she’s a total douche, the pepto pink dress should have tipped you off.

* Sharleen. Why so serious Sharleen? No but really? Why is she so stiff. Loosen up little lady (no really, you need to have loose morals to be on this show).

* Andi.  Oh this girl is it. ABC even cued up that lovey music. I’m thinking I’m going to be adding this lady to my top five picks in my Bachelor pool (yup, I’m in one of those and it’s awesome). Juan Pablo is really picking up what this little hottie is putting down.

So now that we’ve met all 27 (dios mio) girls, it’s time to liquor them up and let the crazy loose. You guys excited?

So when do you all take off all your clothes?

Juan Pablo walks in and the girls all wipe the drool off their chins in unison. This comes immediately before they all squeal “he’s sooooo cUUUUTe” together. If you were drinking at home, this would be your cue to tip the glass. That and any time they mention the accent or Camila.

Despite the awkward entry, Sharleen makes up for it with the clutch cocktail. Juan Pablo let’s out an “Aye Yai Yai” which the girls all think means “Cheers!” and we’re off.

Just gotta break in and raise my glass to ABC, once again, on the JP choice. Seriously great work you guys.

Before you ask, yes, we did roofie this drink.

Juan Pablo knows it’s time to mix things up so he does the only thing he’s comfortable doing in a room full of chicas, he breaks out the boom box and gets a dance party underway. In a flash, it looks like a scene straight out of The Wolf of Wall Street before the Quaaludes kick in.

Here’s the highlights of the one-on-ones:

* Nikki the Nurse. JP remembers her because she’s the nurse and she made his heart go “boom boom.” Me, Juan Pablo. You, Nurse.

Hey okay Tarzan, we get it. You don’t speak great English but we’re going to have to do better than that if we’re going to make it through 10+ weeks of this.

* Renee the Momma. All these two need is a cup of coffee and we’ve got a Match.com commercial. Just two single parents sharing stories and talking extra curriculars. Let;s hoping these two get to doa little extra curriculars of their own coming up this season on The Bachelor (sorry, sometimes I can’t help but go into Chris Harrison mode).

Consider this your warning Lucy. Keep this up and things are going to get bad.

* Lucy, I’m going to need you to get the hell out of here right quick. Personally I have a pet peeve about not wearing shoes. There is NO EXCUSE for not wearing shoes. Honey, there’s these things, they sell them at stores, they’re called FLAT SANDALS. I want to buy a pair and throw them directly at the flower crown on her head (hoping that the foot bed hits her squarely in the nose while knocking the crown off). “I’m just a drifter,” she says. Um, really? Because yesterday I saw you working at a high-end boutique. Pretty sure real “drifers” don’t sell $500+ dresses to rich women in Hollywood but hey, I could be wrong.

Oh this girl. I feel that she may bring out some of my best work while simultaneously driving me crazy.

* What, where did this massage table come from. Seriously producers? You are just unleashing the crazy and totally enabling these girls. I’m not mad, truly I’m impressed. One glass of champs and Amy’s got glazed over crazy eyes in full effect as she rubs down Juan Pablo. (Side note: Why are her boobs so smushed in that dress? Looks horrible along with those bangs).

No, just no.

I’m totally distracted by her weird smushed dress cleavage when I hear her say, “I just wanted to take off his clothes and poor my oils all over him.” These people live among us. Just remember that.

“The massage was pretty awkward,” says Juan Pablo, perfectly echoing what we all felt inside.

We’re all just recovering from the case of the weirds we got from Amy when CH strolls in like a boss with a single rose. This opens the flood gates on a level of crazy champagne could never conjure. All of a sudden girls are fretting over “their time with Juan Pablo” and starting to lose their grip on keeping crazy under control.

It becomes especially tough for old Lauren to control and within seconds she is crying. Yes, you read that correctly, this girl is crying. So while Science Nerd Chelsea watches JP dominate the photo booth, Lauren is losing all control of her emotions and rational thought.

It makes for wonderful television.

Oh and in between all of this, Andi confirms that she’s a total babe with a cool girl personality, a badass job and pretty hair. Just give her the first impression rose already Juany P. (On a personal note, Andi receives my at-home first impression rose. This means little to nothing and plays no part in the progression of the show. I just thought I would share since we’re friends and all.)

So Blakely, I mean Lauren is still freaking out (in the mean time, JP has talked to at least three other girls) and ABC is just letting it fly. Drew walks up from the basement and wonders why I am sitting wide-eyed, staring blankly at the screen. It takes him a full 30 seconds to knock me out of the SE shame spiral I am stuck in.  My skin is crawling but I’m happy that we’re bringing crazy back. It’s a double edge sword.

I mean the girl says “This is breaking me.” Um, I think there had to be some serious underlying issues if 2 hours without attention from a GUY YOU DON’T KNOW is breaking you. No but really, where do they find these people?

When Lauren finally gets her five minutes with Juan Pablo, she lets her crazy go totally uncontrolled and word vomits all over him. It’s just chunks of “bad breakup,” “I got a call at work that it was over” and “we were planning to get married” all over Juan Pablo. He promptly stands up disgusted, wipes the word vomit off of him and makes a mental note to forget her forever right then and there. Good move bro.

No but really, I threw my hands over my face uncontrollably at one point, unable to physically deal with how embarrassing she was being. I think we should all buy that old BF a beer, clearly he was dealing with a whole lot of crazy.

Last but not least is ole Sharleen. Okay but really, why is she so serious? I know she said she’s an opera singer but are we sure she’s not in the military. She says “sir” WAY too much to not have some sort of military background. She’s stiff as a board and it’s giving me a case of the sads hearing her talk. But Juan P is loving it and all of a sudden goes from cool guy to needy guy. Wait, who is this and where did my Juan Pablo go?

He’s loving her “elegant” vibe so much that he hops up to snag her the first impressions rose and every one is all, “what the what?” Even Sharleen is totally confused and for some reason acts like she’s just not that into Juan Pablo. Um, what is wrong with you. You accept that rose gladly and stop calling him “sir” you big weirdo. He’s not your daddy or your Sargent or your conductor.

She finally accepts with a “thank you sir” in her best Old Greg impression (have you all seen that BBC video? It’s weird as hell but super funny).

All of the other girls (me included) are confused and kinda hate her but no time for all that, it’s rose ceremony time!

Love that CH has to explain how to accept the rose. Honestly gals if you don’t know how this part works, you have way bigger problems than being a reality tv show to find a husband.

It’s been great meeting you but some of you – como se dice loca? – girls are going to need to leave now.

Rose Time:
Sharleen is safe.

Wait that one girl STILL has her dog with her?

* Clare – Me? Yes you, you crazy faux preggo.

* Nikki the Nurse – love her.

Panic already setting in for Lucy.

* Renee – hot mama.

* Andi – the one to beat.

* Alli

* Chantel

* Lauren S. – Piano {Wo}man

* Kelly and her dog – REALLY? Dog lover is not a job. I just need to reiterate that.

* Cassandra – You can stop freaking out now.

* Danielle – Get it namesake.

* Chelsea – Love that little nerd.

* Kat – Oh no, did you see that? The mouth-y red-head just jumped out. “Oh I thought you said Kelsey… can you just take both of us.” Um no, he can’t. Now get back in line and prepare to go home. WOOF. That was really bad. I wasn’t ready for that level of secondary embarrassment so early.

* Victoria

* Christy

* Lucy – Stop f-ing acting like a five-year old. I’m tried of you already.

* Elise – You didn’t win a pageant, stop acting like you’re constantly in one.

Final Rose. Please no, don’t let it be the massage girl. Anyone but the massage girl.

* Amy L. aka Jessica Rabbit

So it’s the end of the road for the crazy massage therapist, over eager Kelsey and that cutie Christine. Oh and some other girls I don’t remember.

It may have only seemed like two hours to you but for these girls that cocktail party was an entire journey with hopes, dreams, aspirations and a lifetime of happiness all wrapped up in it. so when the “journey” is over, the waterworks begin. Yes, you read that right. Handsy Amy totally breaks down and lets this gem out, “My heart capacity is ready to devote myself to a man.” Yes, her heart capacity is ready now. Just let that soak in.

But don’t let it linger too long because we’ve got some previews to enjoy. Epic, heart-wrenching, dramatic previews. Get ready for a season full of bungee jumping, fireworks, canoodling, soccer, latin dancing, long hair, sad faces and a little bit (haha, who are we kidding – a whole lot) of crying.

Right now my favorites (and by favorites, I mean my top five picks to make it to the end): Andi, Clare, Nikki, Sharleen and the Chemistry teacher.

Oh and my prediction for most hated bia since Chantel (from Brad’s season): Lucy.

What did you all think? Favorites? Winners? Losers? What did you think of CH’s suit (woofy)? Let’s discuss.

Until next week… stay tuned!

A Lesson on Passive Agressiveness: Philly News Station Awkwardness

Interested in feeling awkward and embarrassed this morning?

Well if you’re not in the Philadelphia-area, you can tune in to a quick lesson in passive aggressiveness here.

Yikes a million. Can we call the station manager and get those two gals separated by at least six hours?

Nah forget it. I’m more interested in seeing what comes next…

Until next time… stay tuned!

 

“I was born. I had a Mom and a Dad. Just like you.” Lessons in {Thug} Life and Love on The Bachelorette Season 9 Episode 2

Can we all agree that it appears that ABC and the producers have thrown in the towel and are just letting this thing get as weird/awkward/embarrassing as possible? If so, I think we can all move forward with Des’ season prepared for the madness that’s to come.

Where can I get more of this guy? Image: ABC

Preview are up and I’m already becoming consumed from head to toe in secondary embarrassment (which was referred to, quite often, in the tweets as second-hand embarrassment. Let’s all stick to one term, you know, the one that leads to my blog). This Soulja Boy music video has the makings of an epic SE experience. I’m still mentally preparing when we get to the house where we’re all met with an eyeful of…

AMERICAN APPAREL V-NECK TEES

What is this? An infomercial for v-necks, the rejects from their latest ad campaign, a gay vacation spot? I’m leaning towards the last because these shirts are just way too snug and way too plunging for a roomful of straight men.

There is one exception, sweet little Drew but instead of his standard issue v-neck, he’s got on one of their signature hoodies. Maybe one of the dates should be to the factory sweatshop where they make these. (Too much? Sorry)

The first date card arrives and it goes to the WAY over eager, Brooks.

“I’m doing arm pumps, I’m doing the Rocky Balboa, I’m pumped.” Um, Brooks – what exactly are “arm pumps?”

There’s something about Brooks that is just off. I’m pretty sure it’s the combo of his giant teeth and the wavy semi-mullet he’s rocking. Add to that a slight lisp and his childish/girly excitement and I’m thinking there’s no way he’s looking to get married to a lady. Married? Sure. To a girl? Not convinced yet.

But enough about Brooks’ sexuality, let’s focus our attention on Desiree’s outfit. Why in the F is she wearing black, shiny riding boots with a hot pink tank top? Can Emily Maynard stop by and help this gal pick out some ‘fits? There’s got to be someone in the LA area that can stand outside Des’ love shed and give her yays or nays on outfit selection. I’m available for hire if not.

Anyways, all the other dudes are totally jealous and offer grunts galore as Brooks & Des (not to be confused with Brooks & Dunn although in a twist, Brooks does look very similar to Ronny Dunn) hop into her Technicolor Bentley.

Side note: Did anyone else notice the way Ben pronounced the word genuine as “Gen U WINE?” Hey Ben, that pronunciation refers to a hottie r&b singer best known for his hit single “Pony.”

Des’ decides there’s no better time than the present to take things to the awkward extreme – so our first date is at a bridal salon. You know, because what is a straight guy’s ideal date?

Wait did you say watching you shop?

No that’s not it.

Watching you shop for WEDDING DRESSES?

Yup! Nailed it.

Brooks is all into it though (obviously) and they play dress up until they find the prefect ensemble to run around the streets on LA in. Unfortunately for us all, they didn’t pick my favorite pairing – the green suit with whatever Desiree was wearing.

Next stop, the Hollywood sign where they officially ruin a national landmark and Des shares some sob story about how the sign is some beacon of hope for her. More talk of fairy tales and princes. Woof.

Just when you thought you had been spared from total misery, you find out that this date is still going on.

But instead of coming up with something new, we’re treated to the EXACT SAME DATE that Lindsay and Kalon went on during Bachelor Pad. Same sketchy neighborhood, same closed off street, same chandelier and I’m pretty sure the food is left over too. Nice work.

Whatever it’s not like I’m mad, these two definitely deserve sloppy seconds.

After some sob story spewing (with a 50% divorce rate in this country, can we all stop acting like your parents splitting up is the equivalent of like losing a limb?) Brooks gets the rose and I pray for a commercial break.

But we’re back at the bropad where the doorbell interrupts push-up-palooza. The group date card is revealed and I’m just happy because we get a quick look at Juan Pablo. Thank you ABC for throwing us that bone.

WAIT and then we’re back at this date. Why won’t this end?

There’s a concert, which Brooks calls “magical.” (The case continues to grow against this guy.) And then it happens. Brooks starts dancing and a small piece of my soul dies.

Did you all see it? Hopefully you didn’t it. It was beyond horrible. But I did the whole train wreck move where you want to look away bit instead you rewind it three times to make sure it was real life.

Desiree closes with a warning to us all: “Tonight set the tone of the rest of my journey.” Oh lord, it’s time to reconsider watching this season.

My apologies to Andy Grammar (that singer guy in case you, like me, had no idea what his name was) for having to witness that madness. Time to talk to your agent Andy.

Speaking of talking to your agent, Soulja Boy – you’re on deck.

Who’s here for the right reasons? I’m looking at you Dan, Juan Pablo, Will, Zak K., Ryan, Drew, James, Mike D., Zak W., Nick, Michael, Brandon, Ben and whatever the guy who read the card’s name is.

Next stop on the journey is one for the record books. We’ve seen many an awkward and embarrassing photo shoot but nothing like this before. Yes, we’re filming a rap video (that will never be seen anywhere other than this show).

I know, I can’t believe how slutty I look either! Image: ABC

Not sure how much Soulja Boy got paid to do this but it certainly was not enough.

They show up at some nondescript McMansion and find Des is a SNUG dress. I want to hate her (I do hate the dress) but her body is on point. Shes accompanied by the Boy of Soldiers who explains that they will each need to do a quick rap to determine who will be the best worst and therefore, win a speaking/rapping (let’s not really call this rapping – it’s more like spoken word).

“Who wants to show me some love,” SB yells and the guys simultaneously attack him and start kissing him. Okay, that didn’t happen but they all did emphatically raise their hands in eagerness.

Here’s hoping Soulja Boy got REALLY HIGH before filming this.

A select few guys are chosen for their douchiness resemblance to Bachelorette stars gone past. I can’t help but squeal in delight when I realize that the producers are in on the Kasey Kahl lookalike status and have assigned him the plum “guard and protect your heart” role. Robert Mills FTW!

Bonus points for casting Ben as Mad Brad in Plaid. I can’t believe I’m saying this but I’d take another season of Brad before another moment of watching this turd burglar.

The “rap song” they are performing is titled “Right Reasons.” One of the big buzzwords on this show alongside journey and anything said with “Most” and “Ever” as bookends. The fact that they were able to get the tune stuck in my head has me regretting I ever watched this show in the first place but at least it showcased these guys willingness to do anything to be on TV.

I’m getting paid for this right? Image: ABC

This entire segment is a blur because I spend half of shielding my eyes and half of it with my eyes glazed over, trying to comprehend what is happening on-screen.

I lose all faith in Des when I realize that she is kind of enjoying this. I also spend a good part of the segment wondering where they are hiding Juan Pablo. Come out come out wherever you are!

I come to when I hear Des say “It’s nice to see that looks and personality can combine” and I wonder if they have just introduced another cast member because I know she can’t be talking about any of the guys on this date. (Except JP but we all know that she has no idea what is personality is like since he mostly only speaks Spanish.)

This madness goes on about 10 minutes too long and we’re finally a wrap. Poor Poor Soulja Boy. Is this what your career has come to SB?

Thank god we’re done with this horrible rap video and moving on to the part where they get liquored up and fight.

Des is hopeful and excited since, “From what I’ve seen there are a lot of guys that are marriage material.” Um Des, you okay? I’m worried about you. Have you been watching the same thing I have? Yikes a million.

Biggest surprise of the night comes early when Zak W. (or as I refer to him, no shirt guy) presents Des with a somewhat heartfelt gift. It seems nice until we realize that he gave her a used, old notebook. Just what she’s always wanted (and duh, you know all the drawers at her place are stocked with diaries. We’ll be seeing her jot down her emotions in them as she whittles away some of you losers).

Who knew shirtless dude would bring a thoughtful antique present. Although the chances he picked it out himself are slim to none. Oh Zak W.

P.S. – Love the fight going on in the tweets. Although I’m on team no tweets for selfish reasons since I haven’t had a chance to live tweet the show.

While Brandon channels his inner (very emotional) Kasey Kahl, Ben is going the creeper route by sneaking up behind anyone talking to Des. His creepy smile and deep side part makes me wonder how many girls he roofied in college. It appears the rest of the guys are on to this though and have pegged Ben as the guy that’s “not here for the right reasons, right reasons, here for all the wrong reasons.” (Sing it with me friends!)

Ben is back using his kid for brownie points and generally being sketchy. The way he gropes her face gives me SE chills just thinking about it. There is definitely a trail of sexual assaults following this guy.

Some other observations from the bro-party:

* Mikey is definitely not going to win but I like having him around. Even if he does get all distracted when Ben complements his shoes.

* Brandon has got to stick around. He’s got a lot more embarrassment in him and I can’t wait to hear what he says next time he gets a couple of champagnes in him.
“I was born. I had a mom and a dad like you.” Thanks bro. You and everyone else.

These sob stories are getting out of hand. Is that a requirement on the application? If so, we’re going to need to step up our game. Sarah from last season had a sob story (you know, she was missing an arm). We’re going to need to get on that level if this is a new requirement.

* Juan Pablo hasn’t gotten nearly enough screen time.

Just like every contestant on this show before her, Des gives the rose to the contestant everyone else hates. The guys sneer as Ben gives that smirky smile that makes you wonder if he’s hiding something (or someone) in his trunk.

Roadtrippin with Bryden

Last up is a good old-fashioned road trip with Bryden. Other than the spelling of his name, there’s not much that I hate about Bryden. Scratch that, his bangs. I hate those bangs. Can we get someone to cut those stat?

Des picks Bryden up and he’s pumped. “She looks amazing, the car looks amazing.” Good thing you put them in that order bro. He probably would have switched it up if the car wasn’t that girly color.

Points to Bryden for actually wanting to drive (Brooks, you could have at least asked). But no Bentley for you buddy. It’s time to hop in that passenger’s seat cause Des is driving.

Des is pumped about taking this Montana boy on a California road trip, “For him to experience this is just insane.”

Hey Des, I’m thinking that’s not the adjective you were going for there. Maybe really exciting, very cool, such a fun experience. Insane, not so much.

This is followed up with the comment that “All you need is a car, some gas and some good company.” Well good thing you all have two out of three.

First stop is the beach where Sean filmed all his shirtless beach montages. Can’t we find another beach in California ABC? Is this the only one that allows filming?

Next stop is Ojai. They do a little orange grove exploring while I explore the Internets for new items to add to my closet.

Sorry pals, when the third date isn’t totally embarrassing, I tend to lose my attention and start online shopping.

But I know things are getting romantic when I name that tune in two notes – EPIC LOVE MIX!

It’s dinner time now and it appears that Bryden is quickly able to kill Des’ appetite by showing off some pictures of a serious car wreck he was in.

Was I the only one wondering why he just carries those around? Obviously he printed them out to show her before the season but did he really thing the first date was the best time to show those off?

Either way, we learn that this experience is what led him to join the military. Still no insight on what led to that haircut though. Clearly he knew what was up though, Des loves that he’s “opening up” and gives him the rose.

Now it’s on to, BY FAR, the biggest SE moment of the show (and that’s saying something. oh and because I’m a pal, I included the video). Des and Bryden in the hot tub. They inch closer together like two middle schoolers and then stare at each other going back and forth talking about “how great” today was.

I want to walk up to them and push their heads together while yelling “JUST KISS ALREADY!” As I shielded my eyes from the events taking place on screen, I saw Drew make a break for the next room. Too overcome with SE to even be within the vicinity of the television.

Thankfully Des recognizes the pain we’re all in and tells him to “just kiss me already.” I immediately feel relieved but the relief is only momentary because I’ve forgotten how horrible the slurpy, sloppy kissing noise is.

Just when I’m about to make a run for it, they end the scene.

Rose Time.

This post has gotten WAY long so I’m going to try to keep this short.

First up, what’s up with Desiree’s mermaid dress?

Second, hey Michael from Miami – I want to like you since I’m from the MIA too but that diabetes story was WAY TOO DRAMATIC. You know Des though he was about to tell her he accidentally ran over his little brother or had a love child in high school. Instead, he just drops some low blood sugar knowledge. Bro, that can be controlled. Let’s not take this whole sob story requirement too far.

Third, Ben you have got to stop being such a stage four clinger. The way you just circle around convos like a shark in bloody water is making me MUY UNCOMFORTABLE (that Spanish was for you Juan Pablo).

Not cool how you totally cut-off Michael even if he was telling a completely over dramatic story.

And then that part about it being your little secret that you’re the only one who has kissed her. Um, jokes on you buddy. It’s her little secret that she’s already kissed like four dudes.

Last, Mikey I love that you’re trying to be a stand up guy and call Ben out but it just seems a little early. Either way, I still heart you and your snug suits.

Woosh – There you are CH. I thought you’d never show up to save us. It’s rose time.

Brooks, Ben and Bryden are all safe (say that three times fast).

Roses go to…

* James
* Kasey
* Dan
* Juan Pablo – YES! HOLLA!
* Brad
* Chris
* Brian
* Zak W.
* Drew
* Mikey
* Zak K.
* Michael Diabetes
* Brandon

All I know is that she cut that cutie little Armie Hammer lookalike. Bummer.

What did you all think? Did you survive that rap-sanity? What do you think about next week?
That GF that makes an appearance kind of looks like Olivia Munn to me.

Anyways, until next time… stay tuned!

DESperate Measures or How ABC learned to stop fighting it and embrace the insanity. The Bachelorette Season 9 Episode 1 Recap

Did you guys think I’d never come back? You probably never cared enough to ask but alas, here I am. Back for another mind-numbing season of The Bachelorette.

In general, I love The Bachelor more (obviously Bachelor Pad is #1 in my book but since it was cancelled, Bachelor, by default, gets the #1 slot) but Bachelorette can be counted on for 1. the largest assembled group of douchebags outside The Jersey Shore 2. 25 hugely overinflated egos 3. abs for days 4. hair gel. lots and lots of hair gel.

Do I have anything in my teeth? Image: ABC

This season is no different. But you know what is, Des. Not sure how I feel about her. First off, I hate how EVERYONE calls her Des. No one has even attempted to call her Desiree yet. I can totally understand why but really, you all just met. Let’s skip the overly familiar nicknames for now. Second, what is the deal with her Bachelorette pad? Did they lose the lease on that swanky pad down the road from the mansion? And last, what’s the deal with the seafoam Bentley. Was a standard black one not available? Was it necessary for her to look like she’s driving one of those ’04 throwback Thunderbirds?

Whats neither here nor there. I’m committed to watching this season. If nothing else to see who the dude with the girlfriend is, haha who am I kidding. I’m watching to see those dudes get in a fight (why they would fight over Des is beyond me but I guess that’s what makes it worth watching).

High five if you hate your life right now? Image: ABC

So anyways, last night I decided that I needed to get back into the show without taking notes. So today’s post will be strictly from memory and will not include as many completely ridiculous direct quotes. Instead you’ll have to thank your brain for immediately forgetting them so they can’t haunt your secondary embarrassment dreams forever.

On to the show:

I’ve already mentioned my displeasure with the new bachelorette-pad so I’ll move on to Chris Harrison’s obvious displeasure for Des and his own dignity (What was up with that shirt CH? Floral trim, really? Bring back the Brad Plaid!). Seriously, how miz did he look in that cliff side interview. I know the sun had to be in his eyes (intentionally to shield him from Des’ out of control fake eye lashes) but he couldn’t have looked more bored. Clearly he was just counting down until he could escape to knock back a few cocktails before the party.

Next up, let’s discuss that montage. Did you see the part where Des (not sure why I think it’s appropriate to call her Des myself but whatever – I’m sticking with it. Yeah I get it, I’m a hypocrite) slid down that concrete ball thing? WHAT THE WHAT WAS THAT? I get that we have to see the silly, senior pose moments but that shit was unreal. Can’t it just be like what they do for the dudes – basically just showing them in a bathing suit (+ American Apparel tank top)? If I had forgotten what extreme secondary embarrassment felt like in the off-season, there was no escaping it once that bit of brilliance hit the screen.

Side note: Drink every time Des says “this is a dream come true,” “i feel like a princess” and/or makes any sort of fairy tale reference. For the record Des, you are no Disney Princess.

Now on to the guys. Where in the hell did they find these people? I didn’t even realize that so many guys still wore that much hair gel. Also, I get that you have muscles but is it so hard to get your suit tailored to keep it from looking like you’re about to HULK out of it? Couldn’t that magician/tailor have done some last minute fittings?

On to the magician, Nick, is it bad that I liked him? Not sure why because he committed so many of the SE cardinal sins but something about him didn’t make me want to run down the street to escape my TV. Lord, at least he was more up front with his day job than the “Painting Contractor” and the “Plumbing Contractor.” Oh you mean you’re a painter and a plumber? That’s cool. Those dudes can make some solid dough but let’s call it what it is, k?

Out of left field Side note: Not sure how I feel about the live twitter feed during the show. I kind of love it because it shows that ABC knows this show is a joke and fully embraces it. But I also get kind of jealous since I never live-tweet the show and will therefor never get my 1.5 seconds of fleeting twitter fame. Oh well, I do love that @finalrose account.

Moving on to the rest of the guys – there are A LOT of lookalikes this season and you all know how much I love lookalikes (well maybe you didn’t but now you do).

Up first: Brandon and Kasey “Guard and Protect Your Heart” Kahl

Don’t even act like you don’t see it. It becomes even more pronounced (or less pronounced maybe) when he talks and you can see that he has the same tiny, tiny mouth as Kasey. Not sure how I feel about Brandon. Don’t hate him… yet.

Next up, Dan and Jeff Probst.

Props to Dan for being one of like three guys on the show that didn’t load up a case of L.A. Looks before coming on the show.

Wish I could have found a lookalike for that L.A. Looks bottle but alas – it was one of a kind.

Last but not least, Robert and Armie Hammer. And yes, I intentionally chose a crappy picture of Armie Hammer – sorry Armie and not just because your name is Armie.

Okay so now that I’ve got that out of my system, on to the rest of the events.

Since I abandoned my computer this episode (the real truth – it was dead and I had no power cord. Fail to prepare, prepare to fail – I know, I know), there will be no detailed explanation of every douchebag and the seriously douchey thing he did to impress/mortify/embarrass Des. Here were the most memorable:

* Nick. I told you I liked the magician. I liked the trick. I’m not even embarrassed about it.

* Larry the ER doctor/raging alcoholic. What the what buddy? So the dip didn’t go as planned, that’s no reason to throw yourself off the deep end into a glass of scotch. Yikes a million.

* That sleezy dude that used his kid as rose bait. I get it bud, your little guy is precious. But dragging him out here to parade in front of Des gave me the mehs. I’m guessing that his mom just REALLY wanted to get a peek at the mansion and this was the only way to make it less than pathetic. What’s that guy’s name? Ben. It looks like he’s in the running for supreme douche from the previews.

* Zack. What the what are you wearing? The tuxedo cutting off circulation to his head and those chucks made him look like an overgrown four-year old (I’m hoping you all like that joke because it went over well with Drew). I’m guessing he packed up his collection of v-neck tees and can’t wait to break them out with some snug shorts on the next episode. Will he pair them with TOMS? We can only wait to find out but one things for certain: Zack, my friend, you are no Sean.

* Hashtag Guy. #killmenow

* Brooks. This guy is a total Monet (sorry I watched Clueless this weekend and needed to work in a reference). From first glance, he seems alright but then he opens his mouth and you see those wonky teeth and hear his effeminate voice. It’s disarming. Also, cut your hair.

* Armor Suit. I’ve only got three words. Bless His Heart.

* High Five Guy. Is Will on a mission to set the world record for most high-fives on one network TV show? Dude is high fiving the plants, each contestant – twice, the limo driver, Des, the waterfall, the guy that waters down the driveway before the limos arrive, my mom, his mom, EVERYONE.

* And the only one seriously worth remembering in my book, sweet sweet Juan Pablo. I’ve got a soft spot for the latin lover (see: Roberto) and JP is no exception. He’s got no chance of winning but here’s hoping she keeps him around long enough for some gratuitous shirtless shots poolside. Hola!

At the party, it’s now standard practice to just go handing out roses willy nilly. Thanks a lot Sean. I can appreciate the anxiety this gives everyone though. The mix of panic (for fear of missing out on their 19 second of fame) and testosterone makes for a pretty deadly combination and dudes are going all out to get their moment with Des. Why? I’m still not sure. Guys and just swinging from the portico trying to steal her away from one another.

Each rose symbolizes your willingness to abandon your morals, dignity and self-respect.
Image: ABC

Since I forgot to mention the shirtless Chippendale’s dancer in my first impression section, he warrants a mention now. Can one human be any tanner? I’d love for him to make it to hometowns just so we could see what his natural skin tone is supposed to be. For all we know, his mom could be a red head. Also, really with the no shirt? It’s like you automatically won the first douche-pression rose. The fact that Des gave him one after he jumped in the pool just shows the kind of gal we’re working with. At least the creepy fantasy suite frat guy put some thought into his douchebaggery.

Speaking of the fantasy suite frat guy, can we all just give him a moment of recognition. Lil buddy was hella persistent. I know all the twitter people were hating on the fantasy suite card when he got out of the limo but I thought then that it was mildly clever. And it should have made Des feel better since she never got one of those from Sean. Then our forward friend got a little too much franzia in his system and started to set the mood like it was a Boys II Men video. I was hoping that one of the producers would “accidentally” lock him in there so we could watch him panic as his rose dreams burned down like those giant pillar candles he relocated.

Des puts her foot down, cause you know – she wants to be treated like a lady (um, I’ve seen the previews Des and heavy petting and open mouth kissing while pinned up against a building in the middle of the street does not a lady make). So her kicks Jonathan out. So much for you being the creepiest dude here anymore Larry.

It seems like poor Des knows that she’s been intentionally given the worst group of bachelorette contestants ever assembled (just had to get some good ole fashioned Bachelor hyperbole in there for you). Poor thing is just running around, trying to avoid getting hair gel in her eye, self tanner on her dress and the smell of Drakkar Noir out of her hair.

In the end, she keeps a rag tag team of nice guys (and by nice guys, I mean guys with good jobs), abs guys and cutie pies (i’m looking at your childish good looks Drew). There’s also a few questionable picks (both Zacks, Mikey) and a few guys you can’t remember ever seeing before (Brad, Nick M.). So we’ll see how this plays out.

Next week, I promise to power up the laptop and get my note taking on. I also promise to prepare more for the onslaught of SE that is sure to take over next week.

What do you think of Des? What was your most cringe-inducing moment? Who’s your favorite, or better yet least favorite?

More importantly (to me only) are you hype that SE is back? Should I try to tackle more shows?

Until next time… stay tuned.

Fantasy Thailand. The Bachelor Season 17 Episode 9 Recap

First off, you’re probably noticing things look a little different around here. Welp, that’s not intentional. I checked out the blog this morning and noticed the sidebar disappeared and shiz looked all wonky. After trying to fix it, I just decided to go with another layout. Yeah, I know it’s a little weird, but it’s what I’m working with today. I got the fonts I like and my embarrassed polar bear friend, so it’s all good.

Moving on.

It’s Fantasy Suite time. The night were every lady contestant uses euphemism after euphemism to describe what happens when the cameras turn off. We all get it gals. You put on your birthday suit and get to “spend that extra time with Sean” you’ve been waiting for. Since Sean is the born-again Bachelor, we all know they weren’t really getting down to business but I wish we could have avoided all that “I want to be a lady” BS. Um, you’re on The Bachelor, I think that ship has sailed.

Anyways, let’s get back to the beginning. And by beginning, I mean the five-minute montage of Sean exploring Thailand with his shirt off. I much prefer the pecs to that awful teal tank top (and the tan lines that came with it). Nothing says poignant moment more than a quick solo dip in the infinity pool to contemplate your future.

I know they bring the parents out next week but it might be nice to let Sean have some bros to tag along at this part to keep him from looking supremely douchey as he sulks around all alone.  Either way, I much prefer this to the shots of Ashley standing frozen in a crowd as people pass around her in a blurry, flurry of movement (don’t act like you don’t remember that).

image: bachelorabc.tumblr.com/

p.s. how awesome is the ABC Bachelor Tumblr. So many awesome pics.

Sean’s time spent shirtless isn’t totally useless though. He needs to lose the shirt to adequately narrate a montage of his three leading ladies. Here’s a quick recap:

* Lindsay: The Crazy Funny One 
Lindsay’s the crazy gal in the wedding dress you never thought would make it this far. But with her high-pitch voice, luscious locks, ability to agree with EVERYTHING Sean says and her open-mouth kissing skills – Lindsay has become a force to be reckoned with. I also think that Sean is seriously afraid of the military action her father will undertake if he doesn’t choose her. This is a legitimate concern.

* AshLee: The Crazy Eyed One
I’ve told you all before that AshLee makes me a little nervous. There is a seriously scary kind of crazy lurking behind those “just love me” puppy dog eyes. You can see the glimmer of crazy every time AshLee declares her love for Sean (you can also see me hiding underneath me couch every time she declares her love). AshLee is over committed but more on that later.

* Catherine: The Crazy Cute One
This one’s a keeper. A little nerdy but super cute. So cute that I’ll give her a break on her need for a hair cut (c’mon guys, a little trim would do her well. You know that it’s just about an inch and a half or two too long). I heart Catherine and I’m keeping my fingers crossed that Sean does too because this girl actually looks fun to hang out with. I also find Sean to be least annoying (and even slightly funny/endearing) when he’s with her.

So there’s the run down on the girls. It’s time for Sean to throw on a fresh v-neck, grab a new pair of Toms and begin the final portion of his “journey to love.”

p.s. – If you’re a Monday night drinker (no judgement here), bottoms up every time they say “journey.” It would make for a blurry Tuesday morning.

In the Market for Love with Lindsay
Props to Lindsey for not committing one of SE’s cardinal sins – the run-up and jump. I appreciate that she takes her sweet-as time to walk up to Sean. This momentary respect is lost when she says that their transportation method, the moto-taxi, looks “Amazing!” Um that thing does not look even moderately amazing. Adequate method of transport – yes. Amazing – no. What were they fresh out of helicopters, elephants, jet skis, jeeps, ATV’s, etc?

Lindsay is obviously a better sport than I and she crams in for a good time. The view on the ride is equally amazing but Lindsey is too caught up in staring at Sean’s baby blues to take in the scenery.

Adding insult to injury, their ride drops them at an open air market and bolts, quick. After attempting to chase down their ride (damn that high-heel shoe selection), Lindsey agrees to do a little “shopping” with Sean. Little did she know that this meant eating bugs.

Here’s my thing. Sean tells the audience that the one thing Lindsey said she wouldn’t do was eat bugs. So what does Sean arrange for her to do, eat bugs. Doesn’t sound like a real romantic date to me. But Sean sees this as some allegory for love. “If Lindsey will eat bugs for me, then she’ll do anything for me.” Um, what?

If my husband had asked me to eat a bug to prove my love for him, I would have kicked him in the shins and told him to “bug off” (pun intended).

Instead of being like, “f-off” Lindsey puts on a smile and eats, not one, but two bugs. I cringe and cover my ears the minute you can hear the crunch of her teeth hitting the bug. Yuck City. When the pair kiss (Lindsey and Sean not Lindsey and the bug – although at this point that is totally plausible) later, I can’t help but imagine the little bits of insect that are probably stuck between their teeth. It’s giving me the SE goosebumps just thinking about it.

Sean attempts to make up for it by offering to buy a pair of asian animation swim shorts but Lindsay ain’t buying it. Luckily for us all, they head off to their next stop – the beach. Obviously.

Sean can’t miss an opportunity to really spend time with Lindsay (read: see her boobs in a bathing suit) this close to the end. So at the beach, Lindsay cackles on about how awesome and amazing everything is, while Sean stairs at her rack. Oh yeah and they feed some monkeys too.

But enough of this, it’s night-time now and that means a faux dinner followed by some faux dessert eating followed by some faux sex. Dinner is served at what appears to be the Thailand exhibit at Disneyland. The light up floats are “the most beautiful thing [Lindsay’s} every seen.” Girlfriend, you are in Thailand. Did you not look around at the beach? How about when you went to Canada? Did you not check out the mountains? I’m thinking the natural setting had to be a little bit more beautiful than some light-up parade floats.

I’m just about to get over this ridiculous comment when one of them describes part of the set-up as “a bunch of flowers made of petals.” Yup, that’s what flowers are usually made of, petals.

The entire “dinner” is spent with Lindsay trying to awkwardly tell Sean that she loves him. Sean apparently knows this and is in on the producers plot to make this entirely too awkward for words. Before she can spit it out (no, not that – that comes later), she’s saved by a group of Thai dancers and the presentation of the fantasy suite card.

Obviously Lindsay accepts right quick and it’s on like donkey kong (except it’s not, boo).

Back at the fantasy suite, Lindsay is finally able to “express her feelings” which means she’s ready to show Sean her nipples. Three cheers for love.

Love in the Dark with AshLee
Here’s the deal with AshLee, ole girl is INTENSE. Like seriously, intense. I get a little nervous/uncomfortable almost every time she talks. I know she means well but I feel like she’s gotten to the point where she over committed. She let her crazy get out of control and now there’s no stopping it (see ex. 1 – standing on a chair and yelling “I Love Sean.” ex. 2 – does so in a belly shirt).

Another reason why AshLee is wearing thin on me is the constant run and jump up move. Girl, Sean is not going anywhere (okay he is, but not in the next 30 seconds). You do not need to come at him like a hungry water buffalo every time you see him. The mad dash is not endearing, it’s annoying. End Scene.

Sean isn’t going to let the producers keep AshLee in a cover-up for too long on this date (gotta show off those assets), so it’s straight to the swim suit for her after a quick boat ride.

AshLee’s all cuddled up and over-sharing her feelings when Sean drops the news. It’s time for another one of Sean’s test. Lindsey had to eat bugs; now it’s time for AshLee to stop being an overbearing control freak which means swimming through a cave behind Sean.

Not sure what the deal with all the love challenges – I guess this is Sean’s way of figuring things out. I’m just saying that I found Brad Womack’s way (i.e. – hot tubs, rolling around in sand, riding in helicopters, lots and lots of open-mouth kissing) more entertaining.

image: bachelorabc.tumblr.com/

So AshLee reluctantly jumps in, ready to prove her love for Sean by abandoning (whoops – don’t say abandon in front of AshLee) her type-A control issues and following along on a small floaty in to a dark, scary cave. Once again, I don’t get it but whatevs.

P.s. – let’s talk about what might have been lurking in that dark, deep water. Um, I would be WAY more freaked out about the eels or whatever just touched my leg (eww not like that) than a little darkness. Just saying.

It’s all worth it though because on the other side of the cave is an amazing beach (you can say amazing here – it’s appropriate) and an “amazing man” who Ash is committed to organizing his closets spending her life with. I can’t help but cringe a little whenever AshLee talks to the audience. I want to slap her and yell “Get with it! Don’t let your abandonment issues define you!” But then I realize that that’s a little weird too and I give it up and let the wave of Secondary Embarrassment wash over me.

Once we’ve logged 8 minutes of AshLee cleavage time, it’s time for dinner.

This dinner date goes by pretty quickly and it’s mostly spent with AshLee telling us ad nauseam that she’s a “lady.” Girlfriend, if you have to talk about it that much, it may not be true. I mean, weren’t you the one that got married at 17? I’m not saying, I’m just saying.

She finally gets Sean to agree on their shared “morals” so that means it’s important for her to also share what kind of engagement ring she wants. OH GAH. I almost fling myself over the sofa in embarrassment and it’s in that exact moment that I know she is TOAST.

So despite her protests, AshLee saddles up for the fantasy suite. Since we’re about half-way through the episode, I ask Drew who he thinks will be going home. He thinks Catherine but me, I know. It’s gonna be AshLee. You can just tell.

The Love Boat with Catherine
After Team Selma went down in flames, I’ve been squarely aligned with team Catherine. Maybe it’s because she’s had the most fun dates, maybe it’s her nerdy stories, maybe it’s because she hyperventilates at EVERY ROSE CEREMONY. I don’t know what it is but I dig her. Clearly Sean digs her too.

I’m thinking that he really like her but he’s not sure if she’s his wife material. I’m hoping on this date he just gets over that feeling and gets ready to put a ring on it.

Catherine, thankfully, does not do the run and jump but she does come strong with an aggressive sneak up. I don’t hate it.

Turns out on their date, they are taken a little cruise. Sounds fun enough. Here’s hoping there’s no caves (although I’d take a cliff jump).

Here’s really all you need to know about this date: Catherine has great hair (despite being two inches too long) that holds up well in humidity and Sean likes to open mouth kiss her.

image: bachelorabc.tumblr.com/

I mean there may be a little more to the story but if I had to sum it up, that’s it. Good hair + Lots and lots of kissing.

These two crazy kids have got it going on. (don’t worry Sean, by “it” I don’t mean sex). Catherine – despite being a contestant on a reality dating show – seems somewhat normal (and I mean that in the loosest sense of the word because there is nothing normal about this show). She also has a good sense of humor and doesn’t take herself too seriously. I like her.

Sean likes her too. A lot. They kiss lying down (did anyone notice the kiss on the forehead? I don’t think I’ve seen anyone else get one of those), they kiss before jumping in the water, they kiss in the water, they kiss in the rain (with tongue). Let’s talk about that kiss in the rain. Sean is too tall for her and that open-mouth kiss looked like he was probing her/doing his best iguana impression. It was gross.

Despite the insane amount of kissing, they come  up for air long enough for “dinner.”

Obviously they don’t eat. Probably because they are both WAY too busy doing off-camera interviews talking about how amazing the other one is. It gets to a point where I’m sick of hearing about how perfect they are and how they could be “best friends” (p.s. – Sean loves to talk about being besties) and just wish they’d kick the crew out for some of that “one-on-one time.”

Catherine is of the same mindset where she doesn’t want all America thinking she’s getting freaky in the fantasy suites. She gets her “but I don’t want to” speech on air before throwing caution (and her bra & panties) to the wind for some naked cuddle time with Sean.

Game Over.

Rose Ceremony Time

Before things get official, Disney pulls the move where they show a movie preview. Usually I hate this (Brave, that one Anna Faris movie about sleeping with a lot of people – obviously previewed during Brad’s season) but when it’s the Wizard of Oz movie I’m hype. I wonder if the “witches” filmed their segment at the Bachelor House. Hopefully they disinfected those chairs (or just brought it new ones) for them.

Back in Thailand, it’s time for the fantasy to end for one gal. Sean is super sensitive to this since he got canned this episode too. This means we’re required to watch Sean act dismayed, depressed and confused for ten minutes while he contemplates his future. C’mon buddy. We all know it’s Ashley, so just take one LONG last look at those ho-ha’s (seriously – those puppies were going to escape any minute!) and then send her home.

Sean grabs the roses and it’s game time.

First up, Lindsay. I’m surprised by this. The first rose is always symbolic and I definitely though long hair don’t care would get it.

Cue the evil eyes from AshLee (seriously her stare is frightening) and the hyper ventilating from Catherine.

After a super long pause, it’s time.

Catherine gets the rose. Duh.

But you know what wasn’t a “duh?” That reaction from AshLee. Not going to lie, I loved it.

I LOVE it when the girl (or guy) goes all “don’t talk to me.” You know The Bachelor/ette is thinking they’ll have to console them and it’s going to be all tears and hugs. Instead it’s all “don’t touch me. i hate you.”

I think I liked AshLee the most all season in these last few minutes. She just gave him the business  She let him get in his pathetic “reasoning” and was all “whatever, I hate you” and got out of there. Wouldn’t even let old dude open the door for her. Respect.

And when she finally broke down a little in the ride of shame, she hid her face from the camera because she wouldn’t give Sean that satisfaction. I love it.

Can’t WAIT to hear what she has to say next week. Yup, it’s Women Tell All. A mix of crazy and awesome all filmed in front of a live audience. That’s television magic there folks.

Who’s your pick to win? Were you surprised that AshLee left? More importantly, were you surprised at how she left?

Tell me your favorite parts in the comments!

Until next time… stay tuned!

 

Bless His Heart. The Bachelor’s Tierra Gets Engaged

This. Just this.

All I can say is that I wish they a happy, sparkle-filled life. Oh and I pray that their children get his eyebrows.

From People.com

The Bachelor‘s Tierra Gets Engaged

By Rennie Dybal

How’s this for a shocking Bachelor twist?

This season’s most controversial rose-getter, Tierra LiCausi, told her fellow contestants on The Bachelor that if she wanted to get engaged, she could. “Men love me,” she proclaimed shortly before her ousting.

True enough: Tierra, 24, is engaged, Wetpaint Entertainment has confirmed. So who’s the lucky guy?

“It’s someone she had been seeing before the show. They’ve known each other three or four years,” her brother Tyler explained to Wetpaint.

“Unfortunately, they had a bad breakup. When that happened, she signed up to go on The Bachelor. Right after she left to film, though, he had a huge change of heart and wanted to get her back.”

What’s more, the couple’s relationship was rekindled the same day that Tierra’s TV love interest, Sean Lowe, sent her home, says her brother. (Her now-fiancé flew to St. Croix where Tierra was filming and they decided to rendezvous in Denver).

“That was in November,” adds Tyler. “He proposed in January … they’re doing great.”

Looks like there will be plenty of material for The Women Tell All!

The moment we’ve all been waiting for… The Bachelor Season 17 Episode 6 Recap

Hey amigos! I can call you my amigos right? We’re all friends here right?

So I’ve had a few questions (not more than a few – seriously, only like 3 people) about why I’m so slow to post lately. Well, it’s just been hard for me to throw myself into the long rants when the amount of Tierra hatred (or Tiatred if you will) has been too high to stand. But Monday night was a bittersweet symphony. Tierra went out (the sweet part) in a blazing ball of glory (the bitter). Ole girl was not going to go down without a fight (and at least a tube of mascara running down her face).

I feel like I’m doing you all a disservice, this blog has no longer become a place to hear witty banter about the witless gals on The Bachelor but instead has become my personal burn book with only one singular entry: Tierra.

WHY ARE ALL THE PICTURES FROM THIS EPISODE OF TIERRA’S DATE!!!!

{p.s. – there should totally be a site where you can create your own Mean Girls burn book images. kind of like Condescending Wonka, only better}

But today I’m moving on, pushing forward and fully embracing the secondary embarrassment than secondary characters on this season have been spewing – I’m looking at you AshLee. I’m going to give my stream of conscious thoughts on this week’s episode since I didn’t take notes (my badsies). Love it or leave it…

Sean is sick of the cold weather (and the serious lack of bathing suit exposure this season) so he’s all “pack your bags bias, we’re going to St. Croix.” Never one to miss an opportunity to wear Toms hang with the girls, Sean hops aboard their sea plane (yeah he did) to St. Croix. The girls love love love spending time with Sean so it’s a bonus all around.

But once they land, Sean ditches the girl right quick and heads off to whatever mansion they’ve rented him for the week. The gals on the other hand, do a mad dash to their suite to pick their rooms “Real World” style. Tierra, who is generally the worst person ever, ain’t sharing nothing with nobody so she’s settles for a cot in the hallway over sharing a bed with AshLee (and she’s not even the one who sleeps naked). Here begins the battle of the bias.

No shocker than Tierra picks the cot – I’m already pounding my head against my coffee table in frustration for allowing the girls to let her get away with this con. Clearly she’s going to use this against them later when she’s pushing her massive knockers up against Sean. (+1 point Tierra)

Tierra’s pity party is put on hold with the arrival of the date card. First up – AshLee

Date #1 – AshLee

AshLee, I want to like you but your constant crying and need for reassurance PLUS the way you spell you name (really, I have to capitalize mid-name?) have me going back and forth.

Clearly digs her though and hooks her up with a bomb-ass date. These two chiseled bodies will be spending time yachting through the Caribbean Sea. Before moving on, we have to discuss an quality move by producers/editing. So the kiddos arrive at the beach where Sean let’s Ash know that they’ll be cruising in style but before they can get started they have to swim out to the boat. These cues them to remove their cover-ups for a swimsuit reveal. The camera expertly never moves away from Ash’s ass and in a move of pure genuineness the producer cue up Sean’s voice over about how she’s just a “quality girl.” Yeah she is Sean. Yeah. She. Is.

I’m not hating though cause AshLee’s body is on point. She’s definitely been avoiding the cheetos and doritos (the same can’t be said for her nemesis. +1 point AshLee).

Other than the change in setting, the date goes pretty much the same way all of AshLee’s dates have gone. They hang out and it doesn’t seem weird until you hear her talk. Oh AshLee, someone needs to tell you to slow your roll before you embarrass yourself (too late).

After some heavy petting in the sand (UGH – this is my nightmare date. All of that sticky, salty sand stuck to you. WOOOOOF. I’m getting the uncomfortable goose bumps just thinking about it) and lots of LOUD tongue kissing, they sneak in a little convo. Sean, who is quite the gossip, wants to know what Ash thinks of living with the gals, namely Tierra. Oh no, he just opened the door. I want AshLee to run right through and let Sean know what an evil Sea Monster Tierra is but in the same moment, I want to bar the door and tell her to keep her mouth shut. Tierra has shown she has a gift for twisting words and playing the ultimate victim. Do not give her this opportunity.

AshLee can’t help herself (+1 Tierra) and tells Sean that Tierra is the worst thing to happen to the girls since production dropped off that box of Double-Stuffed Oreos. He listens intently, preparing how he’ll console Tierra when she inevitably brings this up later in the episode.

But enough of that, it’s dinner time. AshLee’s nervous about dinner because she is going to reveal a big secret to Sean. My money was on a kid but instead we find out that ole Ash was a wild child and got hitched at 17. Get it girl. Married junior year, divorced senior year. She’s tied up in knots (ewww, not that way!) about it and is worried sick that Sean will want to kick her divorced ass to the curb. But Sean saves his judgement for another time and tells Ash that her past life doesn’t define her (that and the fact that it was literally 15 years ago for her).

Sean’s total embrace of her daddy issues and insecurity have AshLee filled to the brim with love which can only mean that I am filled to the brim with SE. You know what happens next – the dreaded “I Love You.”

This is my fifth season of Bachelor recaps so you’d think I’d be prepared for the over zealous “I Love You” but every time feels like the first time. Not only does AshLee let loose with her feelings but she literally screams them for the world to hear. (Not sure if this a + 1 for AshLee or for Tierra. Only time will tell.)

I knew this one was coming and listened to her proclamation from underneath a giant pillow fort. Once I heard the all clear, I settled back in for the rest of the madness.

Group Loving – Catherine, Desi and Lindsay

For his group date, Sean wakes the ladies bright and early for a sunrise to sunset day of fun. And for Sean, that day of fun begins by seeing the gals with no makeup on. I find this move both annoying and awesome. As a girl who looks like Oscar the Grouch when I wake up (I don’t mean temperament, I mean that I literally look like I climbed out of a trash can), I sympathize with this jerk move. As a commentator on a reality show, I LOVE IT!

While Desi and Lindsay make a mad dash for the mascara (and Lindsay make a dash for her unders), Catherine looks just as fab as she normally does. She tousled head of hair looks perfect and she’s camera ready by simply wiping away the eye crusties. Damn you!

I want to hate this about her but her mix of nerdy and nice is appealing and she’s easily become my favorite (since I had to say so long to Selma and Daniella).

The premise of this date is wandering around the island from sun up to sun down. Basically this means Desi is hogging shot gun, Catherine’s being cute and Lindsay’s wondering where she put her wedding dress (I NEED ATTENTION!!!)

They visit a few tourist spots for chats with Sean before making it around the island. There they shed their skin tight shorts and frolick in the sand with Sean. Ahh, life is good.

Each gal gets their one-on-one time where they share heartfelt secrets in an attempt to get Sean to their hometowns. Catherine wins for the most sincere with her reveal about her dad but this moment is overshadowed by Lindsay’s open-mouthed kissing. This move wins her the rose.

I’m guessing all three of these gals snag roses because other than Desi, who Sean seems taken with, they don’t suck.

Speaking of sucking, it’s time for Tierra’s one-on-one.

Whoops, I just realized I got the order wrong on this, but I’m sticking with it since I like the flow.

Date # 3 Tierrable

Want to know why I think Tierra is the worst? When her date card arrives, instead of being giddy with excitement and planning what to wear, she whines and complains about how her date is crappy. She just loves boats and the water so much so she thought Sean would hook her up with a yacht date. Instead, she’s going to get sweaty (isn’t she always sweaty) and her hair will get messy and her make-up will run. WAH.

And if I didn’t despise you already, there it is.

This date is every horrible thing you think it would be. Tierra’s shorts are too short, her heels are too high and her “gifts” from Sean are too tacky. I’ll give them a pass on the shell necklace since it has a sort of island appeal but that was the ugliest f-ing bracelet I’ve ever seen. (woo woo Mean Girls reference +1 me!).

Her dancing is woofy, her giggle is blood curdling and I’m thinking about officially breaking up with Chris Harrison for making me live through this. (Why, CH? Why?)

 

Just take it, it’s free. Image: ABC.com

Sean grins and bears it through the date but I’m hoping that on the inside, he’s beginning to get the willies from that eyebrow.

They make it to dinner (Tierra’s favorite part!) where she tells him that she feels like things are off. He reassures her and honestly, I can’t even remember what happens next. I’m guessing loud kissing, lots of distorted eye brow raises and over confident banter.

Date #4 Lesley

Let’s all be real. Poor Lesley got the shaft on her date. It’s the standard picnic date which isn’t a good set-up for Lesley because we all have seen how nervous and awkward she gets around Sean.

The school girl within Lesley cannot be controlled and you can see her freeze up in his presence. I find Lesley adorable and this move has gotten her pretty far but it’s time to man up (and by man up, I mean throw on a bikini and get to tongue kissing).

Lesley tells us she’s going to open up to Sean but instead she’s paralyzed by nerves and ends up a bumbling awkward mess. Bless her heart.

I’d go on about this date but we all know we want to get to the good stuff…

The Rumble in the Trundle

Throughout the episode, we’ve had to endure unflattering camera angles of Tierra as she sits inside like the giant sad sack she is while the rest of the girls talk shit about her outside (while tanning their hot bods). Tierra is tired of all the shit talking so her and AshLee sit down for a little girl talk.

What starts out as some mildly confrontational back and forth, turns into an all out showdown between Tierra’s eyebrown and AshLee. Ash lets Tierra know that her tierrable attitude and out of control eye brow raising has gone on too long. She basically lays out everything America has been yelling at their TV’s since day one. She even goes as far as saying that Tierra’s parents even told her that she doesn’t play well with others.

Tierra eating. Obvi. Image: ABC.com

Tierra’s argument: AshLee is old, desperate and well that’s it.

AshLee’s argument: Tierra is a horrible, dismissive, rude, unfriendly, overweight (no, wait that’s my argument), troll monster (whoops, that’s me again), selfish, manipulative, not nice person.

Well Tierra don’t like that one bit. (No, I didn’t say bite Tierra – calm down.) She gets all sassy and decides that her and her Target cover-up (circa 2007) don’t have to take this nonsense any more. I’m thinking she’ll just retreat to her cot with a box of Cheese-Its but instead she comes back for round two.

My favorite moment of manipulation is when AshLee is telling Catherine and Lesley that Tierra said they all talk shit about her behind her back. Catherine and Lesley deny it (obviously) but then Tierra storm in like it’s free blizzard day at Dairy Queen, yelling that she never said that. Um, can someone cue up the playback?

And here begins the meltdown, lots of yelling about “her sparkle” (was she a theta?) and how it can’t be stolen or contained. What cannot be contained are the tears and her waterproof mascara throws in the towel again.

But Tierra’s tear have some sort of super power and within moments Sean is knocking on her door, there to console her and/or try to drag her to to the beach to meet his sister (sorry, we’re skipping that part).

This time the act fails (Thank you SHAY!) and Sean takes five before coming back to lay down the law.

Tierra, on the other hand, believes her evil plan has worked again and is furiously wiping away the mascara stains while simultaneous pushing up her boobs.

But Sean is back and with bad news! HALLELUJAH I scream at my television when he drops the inevitable “BUT” after a forced compliment.

It’s time for you to skeedaddle he says in more or less words and for me the episode is over.

Oh, if you need to know – he gets rid of Lesley (bummer!) and let’s AshLee know she needs to keep her crazy under control.

But let’s talk about the ultimate win – TIERRA IS GONE! Secondary Embarrassment can go back to full recaps and I can release the hate from my heart.

You’ve got to take the good with the bad. Lesley may be gone (I’m chalking this up as a win for her) but Tierra is GONE! Now I can go back to focusing on the loud kissing, epic love songs, excessive shirt-less shots and more!

So until next time… stay tuned!

 

Just Tierrable or The 10 Reasons Why There’s No Bachelor Season 17 Episode 5 Recap

Hey fellow Bachelor lovers/haters. So last night, I broke out my laptop and started typing away at how spectacularly ridiculous this episode would  prove to be. Lots of notes ensued. From comments on how CH took my advice and gave up on plaid (but alas the ladies did not), on the annoying quality of Lindsay’s voice and the unearthed explanation of the origination of her daddy issues and on the pure amazingness of seeing Dezi drink a big gulp of goat’s milk.

And then it happened. The tierrable sea monster known as Tierra took over the show. I thought I couldn’t stand the sight of her wonky, independent eyebrow and odd forehead dent before but now I find her utterly insufferable. Her mere presence on the show caused me to abandon my love of two-on-one dates (when are they going to realize the dinner is the worst worst worst idea) and begin searching for poorly-made trendy clothes on Forever 21.

I think I may have even started responding to work emails, that is how awful I find her.

There are quite possibly thousands of reasons why I cannot stand her presence on my beloved television but I’ve compiled 10 here. See, I just can’t complete my recap without getting these things off my chest. Hopefully venting here will allow me to move past my intense loathing and allow me to return to witty repartee about her very apparent love of cheetos, the other girls resemblance to Disney princesses (so long Ariel!) and my girl crush on Selma.

10. The phony, fake-surprised look she gives Sean whenever he appears at the brothel the mansion.

image: realitynation.com

The moment she sees Sean, the viewing audience is able to see the Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde transformation right before our eyes. The squeal that accompanies this face is, by far, the worst part.

9. Her resemblance to …

While the rest of the girls have dopplegangers in the sweet Disney princesses (Dezi = Belle, Jackie = Ariel, Daniella = Sleeping Beauty, Sarah = Cinderella, etc), our gal Tierra is straight up Esmerelda from The Hunchback of Notre Dame. Not only is she from one of the worst Disney cartoon movies ever but she’s not even a princess. She’s a gypsy accused of murder. Both characters also share the uncanny ability to control one eyebrow independently of their face.

8. The snack hogging.

stop hogging all the snacks.

This leads straight into my next point…

7.  The Clothes.

The gals on this show have been known for their style and their lack of it. This season we’ve got style standpoints like Sarah and Selma. And in a return worthy of her predecessor Chantal, we have Tierra. It’s not that she has no style per say, it’s more than she’s showing off the stuff we don’t want to see.

She borrowed this dress from her older sister’s 2001 Junior Prom.

More Eating. This time in fringe.

That’s a lot of thigh.

 

 

6. Those crazy eyes.

More than anything, I’m seriously frightened for the other girls safety when I see those crazy eyes. I think if you look directly into them she eats a little bit of your soul off a dorito. Usually this is the time in the season when the girls lose control of their crazy but Tierra has let her crazy flag fly from day one.

5. The “I’m Sensitive” routine.

Every time she says it, THIS is how I feel.

Enough with this. You are not sensitive. Sarah is sensitive. You are horrible.

4. The Sneak Attack

While others may have started the sneak attack (see most recently Courtney and Sean), Tierra has perfected it. Ole girl just don’t care about the “rules” that our man CH lays out each week. She will strap on her Uggs and go wherever she damn well pleases. And then she’ll cry (see #3) and talk about how sensitive she is (see #5). I’m about to use one the standard issue plaid shirts and tie her to the refrigerator (that way she’ll be able to reach her cheetos stored on top of the fridge, duh).

3. The Crying

WOOF.

Ugh, the crying. A sneak attach (see #4) is almost always accompanied by crying. She’ll also use this to try and break Sean’s willpower when she fake falls down the stairs, fake freezes or fake sneezes. The crying, it might have been #1 but there’s these two…

2. The Eyebrow

1. HER FOREHEAD DENT.

Nuff said.

Until next time… stay tuned.

 

‘Holy Moly Batman! Pretty Woman was about a Prostitute?’ And other lessons in Love from The Bachelor Season 17 Episode 4 Recap

Ah Tuesday. A day to sit back, relax and reflect on all of last night’s Bachelor madness. It really was a return to the good old days and by good old days I mean the days of hiding behind inanimate objects to shield yourself from the embarrassment spewing from your TV.

But enough of that, Chris Harrison is here, looking positively pleasant in plum. I’m happy to see that he’s packed up the plaids and finally given up on a long-term bromance with Brad.

CH is stopping in for a quick visit before heading off to do whatever it is he does in between keeping five-minute appearances on this show. On today’s visit, he’s dropping off a date card and doing his best 7th grade wingman impression. CH tells the girls that Sean really, really likes them and will probably ask one of them to go with him to the movies later this week. Probably after lunch period. He’ll pick you up (with his mom in the mini-van) at 7 for your 8:30 screening of Scream 2. Ahh middle school love.

After CH bolts out of there for mid-day cocktails with Neil Lane, it’s time for our weekly shirtless Sean montage. Rather than seeing Sean hitting the gym or going for a quick ocean swim, today we just get to see normal hot body Sean brushing his teeth and picking out his best v-neck tee for the grueling day ahead. Seriously though, what was the deal with that floor camera shot looking up at Sean in his boxer briefs? Were they hoping to give us all an unintentionally peek at the junk? Does the mansion closet have a floor cam? What is the deal?

Once Sean finally picks out his favorite TOMS (saved from Emily’s season), he’s ready to pick up Selma for their one-on-one date.

Selma – Let’s turn up the heat. (Yeah, let’s. No really, let’s.)

I, for one, am JAZZED about Selma getting the camera time a mug like hers so rightfully deserves. How many weeks has this show been on already with Selma, the smoking hottie, relegated to group dates? A travesty if I’ve ever seen one.

Selma is jazzed too, so mush so that she says this horribly embarrassing line, “I want to take it to the next level and then the next level and the next level and then have babies!” Oh Selma, don’t do this to me so early.

Thankfully someone in production gave Selma the heads up on what to wear so she’s not like AshLee traipsing around an amusement park in high heels and a sundress (amateur). Instead, Selma and her GINORMOUS boobies (sorry, I am not supposed to say that. Whoopsie. FYI – if boob jokes offend you, you’re gonna want to tune out now cause this is only the beginning) are stuffed into some skin-tight workout apparel. While the house full of sad sacks (p.s. – Daniella, time to wash yo hair girlfriend. stat.) sit around and cry for lost time with Sean, Selma is ready to shake what her momma gave her.

Side Note: A great drinking game to play this episode is to take a sip every time Sean checks out Selma’s cleavage. You will be well on your way to ham town by the end of this date.

Sean’s hype for this date because he “had a connection with Selma from night one.” Yeah you did – an eye line connection with her hoo-hahs.

Moving on, for their date these two love birds hop aboard the love bird express (aka a Blue Star Jet) to the desert. Selma, who thought their one-way flight would take them to the mile-high club (did you all see how grabby she was on the plane?) or at least the beach, is a little disappointed. Sean, on the other hand, is ready to see what kind of an outdoor girl Selma is (don’t get your hopes up buddy).

Side note: Is it required for every chick to make a princess/castle reference on their way to the date? If I hear ONE more line like this “I couldn’t have dreamt up a more perfect date. I feel like a princess in a castle.” Extra Side Note: All this princess talk has me brainstorming a post comparing each girl to their Disney Princess doppleganger – stay tuned!

These two crazy kids will be climbing a giant rock in Joshua Tree National Park. FUN! And by fun, I mean it’s an opportunity for the camera man to get some new angles on Selma’s rack. After the required hoopla about being “so scared” and “nervous,” Selma mans up, with a little positive encouragement from Sean, and starts the climb. The climb is a perfect opportunity for Sean to stare at Selma’s booty for a good hour. Nice work bud.

They make it to the top (don’t they always), just in time to catch the sunset (and for Sean to aggressively smash Selma’s boobs in a hug – did you all see that?). Romance at it’s most cliched best. Also, I am pissed about how ridiculously amazing Selma looked after that climb. I would be a hot sweaty mess and she’s looking camera-ready for the Victoria’s Secret fashion show. I want to hate her but I can’t.

Sean suggests they change for dinner but Selma’s like “Look at me, I look like a million bucks. I ain’t changin'” So instead, they head off to another little desert spot to snuggle up. You may remember this set-up because it is the exact same date that Tony & Blakely shared on last season of Bachelor Pad. But clearly the kitschy set design was wasted on those nut bags, so it’s been recreated for this two exponentially better looking people.

The whole date revolves around Sean’s hard-on desire to kiss Selma and Selma trying to figure out how to tell Sean it’s not going to happen. So basically, she finally breaks it down after Sean betrays one of the commandments of SE “Thou shalt not ask a girl if you can kiss her.” Selma throws up the ‘Hold Up’ sign and let’s him know that she’s a sweet Iraqi princess that won’t be swapping spit on national TV. You know cause she doesn’t want to shame her family or call up the wrath of her mama bear. At first I’m relieved but then the rest of the exchange –  “I want to feel his lips.” (WHY WHY WHY SELMA!?!!?) and “Her eyes are asking me to kiss her” (NO NO NO NO NO) – is so filled with secondary embarrassment that I crawl between the coach cushions and wait for it to end. Oh and we’re not even going to talk about that song that played at the end (okay yes we are), what the what was that? That needs to be removed from the rotation. I feel like it snuck onto Mike Fleiss’ “Eternal Love” Pandora station and he just went with it.

Selma gets the rose (after doing a little heavy petting under the blanket) and we’re out.

Fun facts that we learned on this date: 1. Selma is Iraqi – who knew? 2. There will be no open-mouth kissing on Selma’s date (another eyebrow raiser – though not in the Tierra way – more on that later). 3. Sean saved his TOMS from last season, so resourceful.

Group Date: Lindsay, Robyn, Jackie, Catherine, Amanda, AshLee, Sarah and Tierra – I’m looking for a woman who can roll with the punches.

Once again, Tierra has been sentenced to a group date. Bad news for her but great news for the viewing audience. Speaking of Tierra, this amazing Twitter account started following me last week and I just now got time to enjoy its brillance. You all need to follow Tierra’s Eyebrow on twitter. That thing has a mind of its own.

Despite Tierra’s displeasure, Sean has an “incredible date planned today.” I’ll say. Yup, he’s taking the girls to a Roller Derby! What better way to stir up love and affection than with some fighting on roller skates! I love it.

AshLee isn’t digging it, “I don’t do anything adventurous,” (I’d have to disagree, I’d say going on a reality dating competition show is pretty adventurous) but Sarah is excited, “I’m ready to show Sean that I can roll with the punches” even if she can only throw one punch. No combos for this gal. (Sorry sorry sorry, I had to do it. It’s like she just sets them up for me.)

The girls are generally horrible. And I do genuinely feel bad for Sarah for having to come on this date. Sean is all, “my heart goes out to her…” but I’m thinking, if your heart goes out to her why did you bring her on this date? Surely embarrassing her on national television isn’t all that heart warming. Anyways, Sean comforts her (and promises to bring her dog back. seriously, can her dog come back?) and she’s ready to conquer the track.

“Can I hold your…. err…. other hand?” Image: ABC

Amanda, on the other hand, has been running her larger than life mouth the entire date. Talking (with a WIDE open mouth) about how she’s on a roller derby team. She’s not. And karma comes back to bite her in the face (that is in danger of being taken over by her mouth every time she speaks) when she takes a big lick and damages the track with her giant jaw.

In a fit worthy of Tierra’s greatness, Amanda whines her to way to a trip to the hospital and the girls (as well as the crew) rejoice (except for the intern who had to drive her to the doctor)!

Side note: What if they have to wire her jaw shut? That would be amazing especially for her face which would be saved from impending doom.

After realizing that maybe roller derby is a little too aggressive, Sean calls the whole thing off and settles for a free skate. The princesses are thrilled and take turns slow skating with Sean to the sweet sounds of Journey.

At Roller Derby we wear Pink! Image: ABC

Enough of this nonsense. It’s time to get the girls in their tightest cocktail dresses (with bikinis on underneath for good measure) and over to a hotel rooftop pool for some champagne and crying.

This part of the date is where Tierra (and her every present eyebrow) take over. Rather than sport a dress, Tierra opts for some way too short for her booty shorts and stripper heels. She accessorizes with the attitude of a petulant 5 year old girl (Homeland fans, see Dana), ready to rage on anyone who even looks her way.

The only gal free from her wrath is her partner in crazy crime, Jaws aka Amanda the fit (not face) model. These two spend most of the night mean mugging the other girls and generally causing mayhem.
Things hit a head when Robyn unleashes the beast with some high-school mean girl hijinks of her own. Robyn apparently thinks she possesses the ability to take on Tierra. But her attempt at leaving our favorite piece of princess headgear fails when the evil sea monster calls her out right quick.

The battle is lost and Tierra takes her tears and her thunder thighs on a mission to find Sean. She finds him ready to hit the hot tub with Lindsay the lush, who’s had just enough champagne for a little dip in the bubbly. But poor Sean is cock blocked once again and Tierra’s tears trump Lindsay’s bikini. I stop paying attention as she moans on about “not fitting in” and “not being here to make friend.” BORING.

What I find more interesting is that when Lindsay returns to the rest of the gals in her bikini, rather than being bummed that they weren’t invited to the fantasy hot tub, they’re super supportive of her. Geez, they must really hate Tierra.

Anyways, her madness wins Sean over again (swears, he actually says this: “You know what I know? You like me and want to spend more time with me. I can tell by the way you look at me.”) and he goes to fetch the rose for the evil one. Nice work Robyn.

The Pretty Woman Date with Leslie

So it appears that Leslie will finally get the date she’s been crying for since week one. And it’s a date sure to make all the other gals jealous. The date card came with a pair of diamond earrings so it can only mean one thing – the Pretty Woman date.

Now here’s where I need to break in. Lord knows I loved Pretty Woman as much as the next person but I haven’t forgotten the fact that Julia Roberts’ character was a PROSTITUTE. Have all the girls in America (at least the ones on this show) forgotten that? They’re all so obsessed with having their Pretty Woman moment forgetting that her character was a woman paid to have sex with Richard Gere’s character. So let’s all remember that point as we go through this date together.

Within 30 seconds I know this date will be filled to the top with Secondary Embarrassment. If any of you were doubting it for even a moment, your mind had to be changed when she used four different cartoon character voices and then chirped “Holy Moly Batman!” Well that or seeing Sean in a vest. Either one.

This date was seriously an embarrassment of riches, if riches were what the kids were calling the head to toe rush of SE. With the mix of cartoon voices, comic book catchphrases and feet 3 sizes too big for her body it seems like Sean is on a date with an 11-year-old boy. Maybe he realizes that too and takes her immediately to Badgley Mischka where they do their best to put her in all their ugliest dresses. Seriously, what were those things? Buzz, your girlfriend.

This could possibly be the worst date for a guy … or me for that matter… to watch.

Leslie shouts out “Winner Dinner Chicken Dinner!” and we’re all forced to assume that this means she’s found the dress she likes. They throw her a pair of heels and bag and hurry her out the door as quickly as possible. Oh, but that’s not all friends. They make a quick beeline over to Neil Lane, where he and CH take a quick break from their back room poker game, to pick out a diamond necklace for ole girl. Neil is so tan and so awesome. I kind of wish he would make rose ceremony appearances with CH.

Sufficiently dolled up, it’s time for dinner where Sean is hoping that the romance will set in. We all know this is code for, “I’m going to have to send her home.” I hope you all saw that warning sign and begin preparing for the SE apocalypse then. Friends, it’s going to get bad out there.

They sit down for dinner and begin sharing stories. After asking her about her “broad outline for life,” he lets her ramble on for who knows how long (I feel like they should have done those time elapse breaks), while he daydreams about Selma’s boobies. Looks like it’s time to call a spade a spade.

Sean pulls the rose fake out and picks it up to show that he’s made his decision. Leslie face breaks into a huge smile and I immediately take cover behind my laptop. I look over to make sure Drew’s safe from the SE nuclear blast and he’s already abandoned ship and has taken shelter underneath the couch (I can’t believe he’d just leave me behind like that).

He begins his bit and then it happens, the impact of the “BUT.” Once it hits, her smile crumbles and a chill-inducing pang of SE runs up my spine. MAKE. IT. STOP.

Thankfully, Sean pulls the band-aid of insecurity and doubt off quickly and Leslie is out of there in no time. But wait, there’s one more thing. “I need the necklace back,” Sean says as I dive for cover again. Gah, talk about adding insult to injury. This girl is going to be a mess when she makes it to the limo. At least she’ll have those diamond earrings to comfort her as she deals with feelings of inadequacy and the never-ending hunt for true love.

Back at the mansion, Tierra is doing work on the house’s supply of Dorrito’s (did she add melted cheese to those bad boys? does she know the camera adds 10 pounds?) while the girls debate on whether Leslie will come back or not.

Side note: Props to Leslie for fitting all her gear in that little bag!

Sean shoves Leslie into the limo and heads back inside to listen to the sweet, yet sad, sounds of Ben Taylor while he thinks about his journey. The date ends with a single rose being thrown from the balcony which is what I want to do to myself after watching that train wreck.

Cock block tails & Roses

At the cocktail party, Tierra is all pumped and not just because they replenished the supply of Cheetos. One more girl gone means one less girl to share her snacks with.

Robyn, on the other hand, is bound and determined to not let Tierra hold her down this time. So she’s coming strong with the corniest, most embarrassing (and that’s saying something) line of the night. I can’t remember how it goes (thank the lord) but it involved chocolate, an allusion to herself and kissing. WOOF CITY.

The post is getting a little lengthy so I’m going to cut to the chase.

PROS:

* That Daniella is still here. Gah, I love her. I love her always kinda drunk disheveled look. I love her commentary and I love that most of the time, it seems like she has no idea where she is. She’s like the Brittany S. Pierce (from Glee) of The Bachelor.

* Seeing Tierra let her crazy hang loose.

* AshLee and Sarah. Love these two sweeties.

* That the show is almost over.

CONS

* Tierra’s earrings.

* Dezi getting any sort of screen time.

* Catherine getting seriously awkward and nerdy with Sean. C’mon girl.

Rose Time:

Tierra and Selma already have roses.

The remaining roses go to…

* Catherine

* Dezi

* Lindsay

* Lesley – Woofy makeup tonight girlfriend.

* Robyn

* AshLee

* Sarah

* Jackie

Last rose, GIVE IT TO DANIELLA!!!!! GIVE IT TO DANIELLA!!!!!

YYYYYYESSSSSSSS!

* Daniella

Woohoo! It’s time for ole crazy face to head home. Speaking of head, what is that on top of hers? That rats nest was definitely not helping her get a rose. “It’s going to be hard to get over Sean,” she says as I think, “it’s gonna be hard to untangle that mess on your head.”

The group toasts to getting rid of that hot mess and it’s time for the previews.

WOAH WOAH WOAH. Two episodes next week. I want to like that but that’s a serious time commitment ABC.

I definitely can’t do two recaps next week, so I’m looking for someone to guest post. Drop me a line through the contact form or tweet me (@drudydavispr) and let me know if you’re interested.

What did you all think of the episode? What was your favorite Tierra (eating) moment? Who do you think goes home next week?

Until then… stay tuned!