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DESperate Measures or How ABC learned to stop fighting it and embrace the insanity. The Bachelorette Season 9 Episode 1 Recap

Did you guys think I’d never come back? You probably never cared enough to ask but alas, here I am. Back for another mind-numbing season of The Bachelorette.

In general, I love The Bachelor more (obviously Bachelor Pad is #1 in my book but since it was cancelled, Bachelor, by default, gets the #1 slot) but Bachelorette can be counted on for 1. the largest assembled group of douchebags outside The Jersey Shore 2. 25 hugely overinflated egos 3. abs for days 4. hair gel. lots and lots of hair gel.

Do I have anything in my teeth? Image: ABC

This season is no different. But you know what is, Des. Not sure how I feel about her. First off, I hate how EVERYONE calls her Des. No one has even attempted to call her Desiree yet. I can totally understand why but really, you all just met. Let’s skip the overly familiar nicknames for now. Second, what is the deal with her Bachelorette pad? Did they lose the lease on that swanky pad down the road from the mansion? And last, what’s the deal with the seafoam Bentley. Was a standard black one not available? Was it necessary for her to look like she’s driving one of those ’04 throwback Thunderbirds?

Whats neither here nor there. I’m committed to watching this season. If nothing else to see who the dude with the girlfriend is, haha who am I kidding. I’m watching to see those dudes get in a fight (why they would fight over Des is beyond me but I guess that’s what makes it worth watching).

High five if you hate your life right now? Image: ABC

So anyways, last night I decided that I needed to get back into the show without taking notes. So today’s post will be strictly from memory and will not include as many completely ridiculous direct quotes. Instead you’ll have to thank your brain for immediately forgetting them so they can’t haunt your secondary embarrassment dreams forever.

On to the show:

I’ve already mentioned my displeasure with the new bachelorette-pad so I’ll move on to Chris Harrison’s obvious displeasure for Des and his own dignity (What was up with that shirt CH? Floral trim, really? Bring back the Brad Plaid!). Seriously, how miz did he look in that cliff side interview. I know the sun had to be in his eyes (intentionally to shield him from Des’ out of control fake eye lashes) but he couldn’t have looked more bored. Clearly he was just counting down until he could escape to knock back a few cocktails before the party.

Next up, let’s discuss that montage. Did you see the part where Des (not sure why I think it’s appropriate to call her Des myself but whatever – I’m sticking with it. Yeah I get it, I’m a hypocrite) slid down that concrete ball thing? WHAT THE WHAT WAS THAT? I get that we have to see the silly, senior pose moments but that shit was unreal. Can’t it just be like what they do for the dudes – basically just showing them in a bathing suit (+ American Apparel tank top)? If I had forgotten what extreme secondary embarrassment felt like in the off-season, there was no escaping it once that bit of brilliance hit the screen.

Side note: Drink every time Des says “this is a dream come true,” “i feel like a princess” and/or makes any sort of fairy tale reference. For the record Des, you are no Disney Princess.

Now on to the guys. Where in the hell did they find these people? I didn’t even realize that so many guys still wore that much hair gel. Also, I get that you have muscles but is it so hard to get your suit tailored to keep it from looking like you’re about to HULK out of it? Couldn’t that magician/tailor have done some last minute fittings?

On to the magician, Nick, is it bad that I liked him? Not sure why because he committed so many of the SE cardinal sins but something about him didn’t make me want to run down the street to escape my TV. Lord, at least he was more up front with his day job than the “Painting Contractor” and the “Plumbing Contractor.” Oh you mean you’re a painter and a plumber? That’s cool. Those dudes can make some solid dough but let’s call it what it is, k?

Out of left field Side note: Not sure how I feel about the live twitter feed during the show. I kind of love it because it shows that ABC knows this show is a joke and fully embraces it. But I also get kind of jealous since I never live-tweet the show and will therefor never get my 1.5 seconds of fleeting twitter fame. Oh well, I do love that @finalrose account.

Moving on to the rest of the guys – there are A LOT of lookalikes this season and you all know how much I love lookalikes (well maybe you didn’t but now you do).

Up first: Brandon and Kasey “Guard and Protect Your Heart” Kahl

Brandon and Kasey Kahl Lookalike Don’t even act like you don’t see it. It becomes even more pronounced (or less pronounced maybe) when he talks and you can see that he has the same tiny, tiny mouth as Kasey. Not sure how I feel about Brandon. Don’t hate him… yet.

Next up, Dan and Jeff Probst.

jeff probst and dan lookalike

Props to Dan for being one of like three guys on the show that didn’t load up a case of L.A. Looks before coming on the show.

LA Looks Gel

Wish I could have found a lookalike for that L.A. Looks bottle but alas – it was one of a kind.

Last but not least, Robert and Armie Hammer. And yes, I intentionally chose a crappy picture of Armie Hammer – sorry Armie and not just because your name is Armie.

armie hammer and robert lookalike Okay so now that I’ve got that out of my system, on to the rest of the events.

Since I abandoned my computer this episode (the real truth – it was dead and I had no power cord. Fail to prepare, prepare to fail – I know, I know), there will be no detailed explanation of every douchebag and the seriously douchey thing he did to impress/mortify/embarrass Des. Here were the most memorable:

* Nick. I told you I liked the magician. I liked the trick. I’m not even embarrassed about it.

* Larry the ER doctor/raging alcoholic. What the what buddy? So the dip didn’t go as planned, that’s no reason to throw yourself off the deep end into a glass of scotch. Yikes a million.

* That sleezy dude that used his kid as rose bait. I get it bud, your little guy is precious. But dragging him out here to parade in front of Des gave me the mehs. I’m guessing that his mom just REALLY wanted to get a peek at the mansion and this was the only way to make it less than pathetic. What’s that guy’s name? Ben. It looks like he’s in the running for supreme douche from the previews.

* Zack. What the what are you wearing? The tuxedo cutting off circulation to his head and those chucks made him look like an overgrown four-year old (I’m hoping you all like that joke because it went over well with Drew). I’m guessing he packed up his collection of v-neck tees and can’t wait to break them out with some snug shorts on the next episode. Will he pair them with TOMS? We can only wait to find out but one things for certain: Zack, my friend, you are no Sean.

* Hashtag Guy. #killmenow

* Brooks. This guy is a total Monet (sorry I watched Clueless this weekend and needed to work in a reference). From first glance, he seems alright but then he opens his mouth and you see those wonky teeth and hear his effeminate voice. It’s disarming. Also, cut your hair.

* Armor Suit. I’ve only got three words. Bless His Heart.

* High Five Guy. Is Will on a mission to set the world record for most high-fives on one network TV show? Dude is high fiving the plants, each contestant – twice, the limo driver, Des, the waterfall, the guy that waters down the driveway before the limos arrive, my mom, his mom, EVERYONE.

* And the only one seriously worth remembering in my book, sweet sweet Juan Pablo. I’ve got a soft spot for the latin lover (see: Roberto) and JP is no exception. He’s got no chance of winning but here’s hoping she keeps him around long enough for some gratuitous shirtless shots poolside. Hola!

At the party, it’s now standard practice to just go handing out roses willy nilly. Thanks a lot Sean. I can appreciate the anxiety this gives everyone though. The mix of panic (for fear of missing out on their 19 second of fame) and testosterone makes for a pretty deadly combination and dudes are going all out to get their moment with Des. Why? I’m still not sure. Guys and just swinging from the portico trying to steal her away from one another.

Each rose symbolizes your willingness to abandon your morals, dignity and self-respect.
Image: ABC

Since I forgot to mention the shirtless Chippendale’s dancer in my first impression section, he warrants a mention now. Can one human be any tanner? I’d love for him to make it to hometowns just so we could see what his natural skin tone is supposed to be. For all we know, his mom could be a red head. Also, really with the no shirt? It’s like you automatically won the first douche-pression rose. The fact that Des gave him one after he jumped in the pool just shows the kind of gal we’re working with. At least the creepy fantasy suite frat guy put some thought into his douchebaggery.

Speaking of the fantasy suite frat guy, can we all just give him a moment of recognition. Lil buddy was hella persistent. I know all the twitter people were hating on the fantasy suite card when he got out of the limo but I thought then that it was mildly clever. And it should have made Des feel better since she never got one of those from Sean. Then our forward friend got a little too much franzia in his system and started to set the mood like it was a Boys II Men video. I was hoping that one of the producers would “accidentally” lock him in there so we could watch him panic as his rose dreams burned down like those giant pillar candles he relocated.

Des puts her foot down, cause you know – she wants to be treated like a lady (um, I’ve seen the previews Des and heavy petting and open mouth kissing while pinned up against a building in the middle of the street does not a lady make). So her kicks Jonathan out. So much for you being the creepiest dude here anymore Larry.

It seems like poor Des knows that she’s been intentionally given the worst group of bachelorette contestants ever assembled (just had to get some good ole fashioned Bachelor hyperbole in there for you). Poor thing is just running around, trying to avoid getting hair gel in her eye, self tanner on her dress and the smell of Drakkar Noir out of her hair.

In the end, she keeps a rag tag team of nice guys (and by nice guys, I mean guys with good jobs), abs guys and cutie pies (i’m looking at your childish good looks Drew). There’s also a few questionable picks (both Zacks, Mikey) and a few guys you can’t remember ever seeing before (Brad, Nick M.). So we’ll see how this plays out.

Next week, I promise to power up the laptop and get my note taking on. I also promise to prepare more for the onslaught of SE that is sure to take over next week.

What do you think of Des? What was your most cringe-inducing moment? Who’s your favorite, or better yet least favorite?

More importantly (to me only) are you hype that SE is back? Should I try to tackle more shows?

Until next time… stay tuned.

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“I will be on my best behavior.” Yeah, right. It’s the finale! The Bachelor Season 16 Episode 11

We made it folks. Yes, you may have thought Brad’s season was awkward, Ashley’s embarrassing and slightly boring but Ben definitely took the cake in terms of sheer boredom. Tonight’s episode was no different. Instead of the most controversial season of The Bachelor (Oh the Hyperbole!) I’d prefer to rename it the most epically boring of all time.

This is all to let you know that if this recap is boring, it’s not my fault.

Yes, we're confused too. Image: ABC

Let’s do it. (Which may or may not be what Ben said to the ladies in the fantasy suites.)

The battle is on for who will get to spend forever the next three months with Ben “Shaggy” Flajnik. We begin with the standard contemplative walking/packing/wandering aimlessly shots accompanied by insanely cheesy voice over soundbites like “I never thought my amazing love story would end here.” and “That great big Matterhorn gives me hope.” Yes he said that.  (Do they give them a lesson in speaking like Hallmark cards before taping? I honestly do not know a single soul who speaks like this in real life.)

Can't you just make him pick me?

In Lindzi’s solo I think she realizes the sheer absurdity of filming her stroll through the streets (which I love about her) but Courtney, of course, embraces the absurdity and decides to stop and pet a kitty in the street (probably some poor soul she put a spell on).

Just when I thought the madness was ending, I hear the first notes of “This Year’s Love” and I want to weep for David Gray and the fact that it’s come to this for him. Shilling out a perfectly good song to be the theme for Ben the Bachelor’s quest for love.

Just the Gals

We begin the boredom with the meet and greet with Ben’s momma bear Barb and seester Jules. Jules looks almost scarily similar to Shawntel which continues to creep me out every moment she’s on the screen. Jules and Ben are big time besties but Jules is no idiot and she’s ready to bring the heat.

First up… Lindzi.

Lindzi, like the little tan shining star she is, wins over Barb & Jules quickly with her sweet, slightly awkward demeanor. Add in some serious gushing on Ben to his mom and she’s in like Flynn. Not gonna lie, I get a little uncomfortable with her constant professing of her love but when I consider the alternative to little Lindz, I immediately forgive her for her faults. (I also have the same jacket she’s wearing at this meeting – it’s from Banana Republic – so I can’t hate on her too much.)

When she has her face time with Jules, she wins her over despite the heavy liner and orangy tan that the seriously judgy Jules keeps eying disdainfully. Once Jules feels like they are gal pals, she does what any girl does with a friend – she talks shit. Jules is all break it down for me…. Who did everyone hate? Lindzi tries to maintain her saccharine sweet image and beats around the bush before breaking down that Courtney was the house’s resident evil bitch. Looks like Jules is on our side. Glad to have you on the team.

It appears that despite the unfortunate chin acne, Lindzi has won over the ladies in Ben’s life. The gratuitous butt shot as she walks away shows that even the producers like her better.

Always saving the worst for last…. Courtney.

So Jules is ready to get her grill on with Courtney. She’s not down with the whole “I’m a model” thing. (I know this is all false hope but I’m clinging to anything at this point.)

Being a giant bitch for so long really wore me down.

For this little family gathering, it appears Ben and his mom have decided to pull a little mommy & me look with matching sweater coats. Precious.

One thing that is NOT precious – Courtney’s baby voice. You know the one she uses AT ALL TIMES with Ben (definitely not the evil tone she takes when accosting all the other girls).  I cannot stand it. This episode it gets so bad that I almost quit watching.

When she says “I will be on my best behavior,” in her slightly bitchy and condescending tone I want to smack her. Not exactly sure why but I just do.

So after a quick sit down with the whole gang, she and Jules escape to the balcony where I’m hoping Jules pushes her over the rails. Instead, she let’s Courtney do her best victim impression and then, much to my surprise, TOTALLY BUYS IT. Courtney got all, “They were SO mean to me. They didn’t like me. They were intimidated by me.” which made me want to vom but totally won over Jules. Man, I thought you were on our team.

Don’t worry, once she sees that skinny dipping clip, she’ll change her mind.

I hate models but I love this hat.

After a quick one on one with Momma Flajnik where Courtney uses her 7-year-old girl voice and compliments Ben for a full 10 minutes, the little family get together is over. And rather than Courtney crawling back to her chateau in shambles, she is one step closer to victory. Boo.

The Last Picnic(s)

Throughout this season (and the many before), we’ve seen the importance of the picnic. Turns out that a blanket, a basket full of champagne and a couple snacks is how to find true love in this world. Maybe that’s what more people need to be doing – renting helicopters and packing picnics. Beware Match.com, the picnic is coming for you.

First Feast – Lindzi.

The date with Lindzi is just a ploy to eliminate conversation, they are going skiing on the Matterhorn. It is clear from their first rendezvous that he won’t be picking her. But none the less, they hop in a giant gondola and head up to the top of the mount.

Obviously, the gondola is prepared for an impromptu picnic. It appears to upset Ben since he will actually have to talk to Lindzi rather than getting in a few gropes before sending her home. He attempts to string words together but all we get is “You and the Matterhorn combined is pretty incredible.”

No but really, you can totally tell when Ben is going to get rid of someone because he freezes up and just says “Yeah” while awkwardly nodding to every question/comment/fart.

After the always awkward exchange of “I love you,” + “umm… thank you” + kiss, we are ready to ski.

Skiing is where Ben gets to get handsy with Lindzi just to make sure he doesn’t want to keep pick her. I will give Ben credit here since it appears that he’s pretty legit skier.

After a few cutesy skiing scenes, it’s time for “dinner.”

Lindzi opens up the door like she hasn’t scene Ben in months, c’mon girlfriend, it’s been like 90 minutes. This enthusiasm carries over into every aspect of the night and shit gets awkward pretty quick.

Really, the majority of the night is spent with Lindzi gushing on and on about her feelings for Ben while he awkwardly responds like she told him she got a dog. ‘That’s great.” he repeats ad nauseum.

At this point it is painfully obvious that he doesn’t pick her. But who is Ben to turn down a little open mouth kissing and over the clothes petting, especially when it’s done in the open air. So he and Lindzi enjoy some last kisses as she strokes his long, long hair. Woof.

Our Last Moments with Courtney.

One thing that makes me happy about this episode is the fact that I never have to watch this evil wench or this boring nerd do forced activities ever again. But before that I must struggle through one final helicopter + picnic date. You’d think Yogi Bear was a producer on this show with the number of pic-a-nic’s they go on. But I digress.

Courtney begins with one of the quick jabs she’s become known for, “Ben has a lot of depth and I just never saw that with Lindzi.” Oh Courtney, you really are such a nice person. How could I have ever gotten the wrong impression.

Ben does a little happy dance as he lets Courtney know that it will be “Me, you and a helicopter!” on this excursion. If this show was a sporting event, there would be all sorts of statistics and winning percentages equated with the number of helicopter rides. I’m thinking that you definitely can’t win a championship without a veteran helicopter rider.

Unfortunately for us all, Ben doesn’t push Courtney out but instead gets all lovey dovey on their ride through the Alps. Lots of “oohs” and “ahhhs” later (eww, not like that), they arrive on a snowy mountainside for their last picnic. Seriously? Why the F are they having a picnic in the snow? Who is ever like, “I would love to go and eat in the freezing cold and wet, frozen snow.” Not no one.

Well not no one until the evil Ice Queen Courtney. It appears that she only functions at her best in icy conditions.

This is how it will be in real life!

The conversation is spent how all conversations with Courtney are spent, with her talking about herself and “how hard” this has been on her. Blech. Get me out of here. Since he’s under her spell, he gets all googly eyed listening to her complaints. I want to yank him by his nappy hair straight back to the helicopter.

After this blech fest, it’s dinner time. ABC has cued up the epic love music so we all know how this ends. Courtney decides to exclusively use her baby voice this episode while they enjoy a fondue feast. Woof. Woof. Woof.

“It’s hard for me to express my emotions,” she opines as I yell at the TV that it hasn’t been hard for her to be a rude, condescending bia all season. This is followed byhe presentation of a scrap book filled with screen shots of their “journey.” What is it about this show that compels people to make scrap books? I just don’t get it. Do the producers make them for them to induce SE in all of us? So many questions. So few answers.

One insanely sappy love letter later and my stomach has all but rejected my dinner and I’m counting down til this shizz is over.

Courtney uses the magic word, “vulnerabe” and the deal is sealed with an open mouth kiss. Obviously.

The End.

For our sanity (and to allow you more time to read stuff about the Hunger Games premier online), I am going to gloss over the cheesy montages that have become staples of the show. Just know that this is the order:

  • Ben’s Lindzi memories montage.
  • Ben’s Courtney memories montage.
  • Lindzi’s Ben memories montage.
  • Courtney’s Ben memories montage.

Ben sits down for his 5 minute commercial consultation with Neil Lane where he picks out a pretty beautiful sparkler.  It makes my heart hurt that I know it’s going on Courtney’s hand.

Side note: In the sheer boredom of this episode, Drew has taken to following Emily, Kacie B, Blakely and some other assorted Bachelor characters on twitter. He spends the rest of the show giving me their play-by-play.

Gratuitous Chris Harrison shot.

It’s proposal time so in theory the girls are supposed to put on the prettiest dresses they’ve ever seen/worn for what could be their “moment.” Courtney, it appears has been reading the blog and decides to go with her favorite Disney villan for her look – Cruella da Ville. She’s got the dress, the cape (yes, I said cape), the gloves and the crazy eyes. All she’s missing is the streak of white hair. That can be arranged.

Lindzi, on the other hand, has thrown on a bandeau tankini and pairs it with a skirt made of crow feathers top with a peacock green cloak (yup, there were two cloaks) Who is dressing these girls? Courtney’s Cruella I can understand, but making Lindzi look like this when they knew what was going to go down. That’s just mean.

Courtney hops in the helicopter sporting her best surprised/excited/ready to give a BJ face. Lindzi on the other hand is a big ball of nerves.

CH is on the scene, looking fly as ever, to accompany the girls down the gravel path that awaits their doom fate.

The ultimate walk of shame. Image: ABC

Lindzi’s up first, which we all know means she loses. I feel the secondary embarrassment panic start to set in and Drew hides under the blankets. Her excited voice-over only makes it worse since we all know Ben won’t be getting down on one knee. She may have had false hope when she saw Ben’s matching spray tan but that hope was quickly squashed.

She arrives and the verbal diarrhea begins. ‘Great to see you. How are you? I’m so excited to be here with you…” I reply with a loud “AHHHHHH” at the TV followed by a quick “Please please just make it stop.”

When Ben can finally get a word in edgewise, he drops the bomb. “I’ve fallen in love with you …. BUT (there’s always a but)… I need these moments to last a lifetime. I’ve fallen in love with someone else.”

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

So there it is. Just like that little Lindzi is dunzo. But I knew I liked this girl because she takes a deep breath, regains her composure, keeps her dignity intact (with the exception of that “If it doesn’t work out, call me” line) and heads back in the heli.

No ugly crying. No emotional outbursts. Just a quick goodbye. And just like that, she’s gone.

The Proposal

Courtney is ready for her moment, I mean why wouldn’t she be, “I’m a good person and good things happen to good people” she says with a straight face. She says she “feels like I can trust him and possibly love him forever.” Yeah definitely.

Courtney hops out of the limo, pushes CH out of the way and sprints to the finish line ready to claim her 4 carat prize.

Standing in front of the Alps, Ben gets all sappy talking about how much he’s been fooled by in love he is. He’s known it for a long time and he’s in love. Courtney is his “forever.”

At this Courtney gives the fakest surprised look, ditches that long ass glove and claims her victory with arms raised in the air.

"Winning!" (Yes I hate myself for just writing that.)

They seal the deal with a kiss and Courtney’s promise, “I will love you forever.” Which in reality TV time means for 2 months until he cheats on her with three girls in one weekend. Ahh, young love.

And just like that the boring dude and the crazy, selfish chick have made it official (for now).

Well what did you think? Did you hate it as much as me? Are you just counting down until Emily on The Bachelorette? Do you want more SE on a regular basis? Don’t leave me hanging!

Not going to lie, I’m pretty thrilled this season is over. There have been some highs but mostly lows. I’m ready for lots of little Ricky Tick, some southern charm and a couple predictable NASCAR dates.

Until next time… stay tuned!

 

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And so it ends…. The Bachelorette Season 7 Finale

Last night was the conclusion of a long season of The Bachelorette. There were highs and mostly lows, there was crying, laughing, hating and lots and lots of kissing. But in the end, it came down to two guys and a gal and their quest for love. So let’s recap it shall we.

We start by learning that for the first time this season (and possibly her entire life) Ashley is “soooo confident” in her feelings for these two guys and she knows 100% for a fact that she will be getting engaged in the South Pacific. As much as I want to tell her to not get her hopes up, I know it’s true so I let it slide.

Just like all the other perfect for love places they’ve gone on this trip, Fiji is no different. Ash says it is “the perfect place to end my love story.” Wait, so that’s what we’ve been watching? A Love Story? Had me fooled girl. I thought we were watching you insecurely stumble on your way to finding a husband. Details.

Just to remind us, Ashley gives us a feelings recap:

Ben: Unique (uh-oh, he just got the Ames unique curse) funny and she feels comfortable with him. Sounds like the friend zone to me.

JP: Passion.

Hanging with the Heberts.

Ashley says this is the “most intense decision I’ve had to make in my life” (oh the hyperbole) but we all know we could have called it a wrap there and just gone straight to the proposal but instead we are off to hang out with the familia. I suggest you take a deep breath and prepare for the evil monster that is Ashley’s sister, Chrystie.

Quick intro. Ashley’s family consist of her precious step-dad Mike, her cute as a button mom Lori, her mellow (knock-off version of Leonardo DiCaprio in Basketball Diaries) brother Elliott and her evil, awful, mean, bossy and general nasty sister Chrystie.

Family Date Numero Uno: JP

For her first family date, Ashley does one of her standard fits – booty shorts, a too-big blouse-y top (that make cause an accidental nip slip. whoopsie!) and stripper shoes. JP, who is usually saved for last (since he’s the best), goes first this time.

Chrystie, who decided to forego the beachwear and sandals rather opting for a back romper and nude pumps (really girl, you’re in Fiji?) decides that it’s time for her to step into the network reality tv spotlight. No more languishing on cable cutting coupons (Chrystie has been featured on TLC’s Extreme Couponing in case you didn’t know), she’s ready for her close-up (ugh, I’m not though).

Sorry I'm not Sorry.

While the family share a nice, causal meal Chrystie ups the ante and starts playing 20 Questions: Rude Bitch edition. The key to finding out if Ashley and JP are a fit is one important question: Does he make you laugh? Ashley doesn’t give a resounding yes and JP is toast in Chrystie’s book.

When they break for girl talk, Sister Sledge drops the bomb, ” I don’t think he’s right for you.” “You’re too MUCH for him.” and the final blast  “He’s too old for you.”

Brad was like 42, JP is 34. And how is she too much for him?  I mean she is a giant ball of energy but I’m pretty sure he can keep up, he’s not 90 after all.

Chrystie continues by bashing JP, Ashley and everything else. Basically, she acts like a Grade A Bitch and is about as supportive as a delinquent dad. (didn’t they have one of those?). I thought Ames’ sister tried to steal the show but she had nothing on this fake Amy Winehouse (too soon?) with fake Chanel earrings. The berating doesn’t end despite Ashley’s painfully embarrassing chest sobs and hiccup cries (Just writing about those gives me the SE goosebumps).

No wonder this poor girl is so insecure. She has about the meanest, most abusive big sister I’ve ever seen. She puts the mean girls on “Say Yes to the Dress” to shame.

All her talk of looking out for Ashley and logistics and saving Ashley from her self make me want to throw her into the ocean. Thankfully, we cut to step-dad Mike who is about the nicest looking man I’ve ever seen. At least Ashley has one supportive person in her family.

This brief reprieve is interrupted when we cut to Chrystie’s beat down of JP. This s**t was BRUTAL. I have never felt more uncomfortable watching two people on television in my life. I wanted JP to reach across and slap her and then tell her to “be nice.”

Chrystie aka Chris Hansen does her best investigating into how JP, a man who is so old and tired (yet smoking hot), hasn’t already settled down. S**t is spiraling out of control and gets even worse when she tells JP that Ashley and Brad seemed to have a much better connection. Yowza.  While watching from the comfort of my couch, I yell all sorts of mean obscenities at the screen and encourage her strongly to take her [expletive] coupons and stuff them where the sun don’t shine.

Now we all know why Ashley is desperately seeking unattainable approval. Good luck with this one JP.

Sister, Sister

I’m kind of sick of talking about the resident mean girl. But it’s worth mentioning that Ashley and her big sis sit down for a one on one to further discuss how much she hates JP.

I'm not babying you. I'm just telling you what TO do.

All we learn here is that Chrystie cannot stop talking for one single second while the camera is recording, that she has no idea how to dress for a tropical vacation and that she is even meaner than we originally thought. She also tries to prove what a rational thinker she is but I’m not convinced since she does have about 34345 tattoos and extreme coupons.

Ashley calls her a BITCH and we are through here.

Family Date Numero Dos: Ben

These crazy kid hug and make some funny noises before heading in to meet the rents. The family Hebert seems to love Ben from the get go. It’s all funny dog voices and long hair and giggling which apparently is what Ashley is all about. This pacified Chrystie who hides her evil apple for the next time she sees JP.

Despite their shared love of baby/dog voices, Chrystie still breaks out the game of questions for dinner. I honestly wish her Mom would smack her and tell her “I taught you better manners than this.” Unfortunately, that doesn’t happen so we have to hear Sad Sally talk about losing the passion. Since she’s been divorced, she finds it nearly impossible that two people could actually continuing enjoying each other’s company after the fun wears off (which in her defense, is what usually happens on this show).

She is getting so much camera time that I think Chrystie is auditioning for a the new ABC Bachelor spin-off – Extreme Bachloretting. This time it’s serious.

All in all, the editing is super pro-Ben which just shows that Ashley will defy her sister and pick JP.

Moving on.

Quickie Date # 1:  The Man in the Yellow Hat Visits the Mud Baths 

Can I Borrow This?

What the what is up with Ben’s outfit. The hat. The black and neon shorts? The overly bright top. Come on. Did he pack for the trip from his bedroom at his parent’s house?

Once again, Ben’s monotone voice hides his inner excitement and happiness. He keeps saying it, so it must be true but the lack of inflection is really confusing.

I am even further confused when he seems legitimately excited to ride in a helicopter (he must also have been wondering where they’ve been all season). As they fly across the South Pacific, I secretly wish Ames was providing expert commentary in the corner. But he’s not and he arrive at some mud bath that Ashley roughly describes as having healing powers or something.

This is the producers last-ditch attempt for Ashley to move beyond the friend zone with Ben. “Let’s have her rub mud all over his body, that might work!” It doesn’t. Ashley spends more time rubbing mud on her nips than on Ben. Ashley doesn’t get frisky and will not slip the dude any tongue but Ben is still hopeful. He tells us that he is excited for the next part of the date or what he calls the “Cream Dream.” 

 

Ashley comes over to his bungalow sporting her best denim shorts and her favorite Forever 21 top. The outfit screams “Take Me Off!” but  before that can happen, Ashley and Ben drink a little water champagne to hydrate. the mood is set for Ben to make his move and drop the L bomb on Ash. He does and the friend zone is confirmed. The whole thing gives me terrible SE. The actual l-word, Ashley’s “thank you” eyes and her closed mouth kiss to seal the deal.

I won't be single for much longer.

Ben is still confused though which only makes it worse. “Her walls are down. My walls are down.” Our pants are down.
He then adds, “she is telling me the only way she can that she loves me.” with sexual favors. We end with Ben bragging, “I don’t think I’ll be getting much sleep tonight.” Well, get it while you can pal. Soon she’ll be off the market forever.

Quickie Date #2: JP 

JP and Ashley don’t need to go on elaborate dates to show their love. A simple bench and a push-up bikini top will do the trick. They use this time to talk about Dita Von Bitch and her judging.
Ashley tells him it doesn’t matter what that troll thinks and finally coaxed JP to spill the beans – that he is madly in love with her. I think she is going to tell him back but then she gives him a kiss on the cheek. BOOOO. The hottest dude on the show just told you (for some inexplicable reason) that he loves you and return the love by kissing him on the CHEEK?

Do you still like me?

After canoodling for a little, they go back to do the dirty bird in the cabin. JP seriously TRUMPS Ben when he gives Ashley a scrap-book with a picture of them and a letter describing their “journey.” She eats it up and it’s ON! I will say that the letter was pretty sweet. Super cheesy but sweet. All the ladies out there know that they wouldn’t turn down a letter like that from a guy like JP.

They get it on so Ashley can reassure JP that he is the one. Cause isn’t that what all girls do to show someone they really like them?

E Day.

We find Ashley telling her journal all the juicy details of her last nights as a single gal – without makeup. Quick! Get that girl some Vaseline.

Ashley’s journey for love is recapped through a montage as she walks around the resort, looking for answers in the trees. I wish we could catch another vacationer, some old lady in tevas, ask Ashley what they’re filming but alas, that doesn’t happen.

Meanwhile, the dudes meet up with Neil Lane who helps them pick out ring. Clearly, he’s on team JP since he let’s Ben select a fugly ring. JP’s on the other hand is simple and beautiful. Just like him.

The guys suit up and Ashley shimmies into her $17,000 dress (yup, for reals. It cost that much. It’s made of peacock feathers or something.

Let’s cut to the chase.

Ben arrives and from the minute he steps off the water plane, you know it’s going to be bad. I start attempting to dig a hole in my couch to bury myself in but it’s too late. He’s there and before Ashley can say anything, he’s confessing his love.

Ben’s sweaty confidence inspires him to pour his heart out to Ashley as I cover my eyes and pray for it all to end. I’m screaming out “don’t do it. don’t do it” when he does it. He gets down on one knee and asks her to marry him. Oh it’s so awful and sad and embarrassing when she just takes his hand and makes him stand up.

No, No, No, NOOOOOOOO (ABC)

That moment when he realizes she’s saying no is the worst thing ever. I get a cramp in my shoulders I feel so awkward and awful and horrible. I just want it to end.

And then it does.

Ben get’s (rightfully) pissed and cuts. Ashley tries to make him feel better but he doesn’t want any of her fake reassurance (way to tell it like it is Ben). He finally shows the emotion we’ve been waiting for when he says “JP’s a really nice guy and I’m sure you all will have a really nice life together.” Burn. Then he heads off BUT not before making one last appearance by boat. How weird was that? Ashley is just standing on shore and Ben floats on by. AwkWard. Wait where are they taking Ben? Are they just going to abandon him at sea?

End Scene.

Take a deep breath cause that is over. Now it’s on to the true love portion of our broadcast.

Ashley channels her inner little girl and waves at JP’s plane as it approaches. JP lands and the music starts (for a second I thought they were going to play Mariah Carey’s Dreamlover and I got HYPE!). It’s from True Love’s Greatest Hits and we know we’re in for some romance.

My Grinch heart swells a little when he proposes. I guess I have gotten a little soft but I catch myself cheesing hard as he asks her to marry him. Ashley does her most emphatic YESSSSAAA! And it’s a done deal.

Open Mouth Kisses = True Love. (ABC)

All my gushing comes to a crashing halt when they cue up ” I Can’t Fight This Feeling Anymore.” Really ABC? And just like that, I am filled with SE again. Oh well.

Then it’s all puppies, unicorns, rainbows and roses as JP and Ashley frolics on the beach. Wait, someone tackle her before she gets in the water in that dress. S**t Ashley, that thing cost $17K. You cannot use it as a sarong.

Somebody get her out of there. (ABC)

And just like that, it’s over. All the excited hand-talking, the booty shorts, stripper shoes, inexplicable tops, crying, Bentley-obsessing and market shopping is over.

HALLELUJAH!

If you need more JP and Ashley, here they are on Jimmy Kimmel.

Bachelor Pad 2 starts in less than a week! Woo Hoo.

Until then… stay tuned!

 

Do you think the producers were like NO you cannot go in the water  that dress cost a blue fortune.

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