Tag Archives: Desiree

“I was born. I had a Mom and a Dad. Just like you.” Lessons in {Thug} Life and Love on The Bachelorette Season 9 Episode 2

Can we all agree that it appears that ABC and the producers have thrown in the towel and are just letting this thing get as weird/awkward/embarrassing as possible? If so, I think we can all move forward with Des’ season prepared for the madness that’s to come.

Where can I get more of this guy? Image: ABC

Preview are up and I’m already becoming consumed from head to toe in secondary embarrassment (which was referred to, quite often, in the tweets as second-hand embarrassment. Let’s all stick to one term, you know, the one that leads to my blog). This Soulja Boy music video has the makings of an epic SE experience. I’m still mentally preparing when we get to the house where we’re all met with an eyeful of…

AMERICAN APPAREL V-NECK TEES

What is this? An infomercial for v-necks, the rejects from their latest ad campaign, a gay vacation spot? I’m leaning towards the last because these shirts are just way too snug and way too plunging for a roomful of straight men.

There is one exception, sweet little Drew but instead of his standard issue v-neck, he’s got on one of their signature hoodies. Maybe one of the dates should be to the factory sweatshop where they make these. (Too much? Sorry)

The first date card arrives and it goes to the WAY over eager, Brooks.

“I’m doing arm pumps, I’m doing the Rocky Balboa, I’m pumped.” Um, Brooks – what exactly are “arm pumps?”

There’s something about Brooks that is just off. I’m pretty sure it’s the combo of his giant teeth and the wavy semi-mullet he’s rocking. Add to that a slight lisp and his childish/girly excitement and I’m thinking there’s no way he’s looking to get married to a lady. Married? Sure. To a girl? Not convinced yet.

But enough about Brooks’ sexuality, let’s focus our attention on Desiree’s outfit. Why in the F is she wearing black, shiny riding boots with a hot pink tank top? Can Emily Maynard stop by and help this gal pick out some ‘fits? There’s got to be someone in the LA area that can stand outside Des’ love shed and give her yays or nays on outfit selection. I’m available for hire if not.

Anyways, all the other dudes are totally jealous and offer grunts galore as Brooks & Des (not to be confused with Brooks & Dunn although in a twist, Brooks does look very similar to Ronny Dunn) hop into her Technicolor Bentley.

Side note: Did anyone else notice the way Ben pronounced the word genuine as “Gen U WINE?” Hey Ben, that pronunciation refers to a hottie r&b singer best known for his hit single “Pony.”

Des’ decides there’s no better time than the present to take things to the awkward extreme – so our first date is at a bridal salon. You know, because what is a straight guy’s ideal date?

Wait did you say watching you shop?

No that’s not it.

Watching you shop for WEDDING DRESSES?

Yup! Nailed it.

Brooks is all into it though (obviously) and they play dress up until they find the prefect ensemble to run around the streets on LA in. Unfortunately for us all, they didn’t pick my favorite pairing – the green suit with whatever Desiree was wearing.

Next stop, the Hollywood sign where they officially ruin a national landmark and Des shares some sob story about how the sign is some beacon of hope for her. More talk of fairy tales and princes. Woof.

Just when you thought you had been spared from total misery, you find out that this date is still going on.

But instead of coming up with something new, we’re treated to the EXACT SAME DATE that Lindsay and Kalon went on during Bachelor Pad. Same sketchy neighborhood, same closed off street, same chandelier and I’m pretty sure the food is left over too. Nice work.

Whatever it’s not like I’m mad, these two definitely deserve sloppy seconds.

After some sob story spewing (with a 50% divorce rate in this country, can we all stop acting like your parents splitting up is the equivalent of like losing a limb?) Brooks gets the rose and I pray for a commercial break.

But we’re back at the bropad where the doorbell interrupts push-up-palooza. The group date card is revealed and I’m just happy because we get a quick look at Juan Pablo. Thank you ABC for throwing us that bone.

WAIT and then we’re back at this date. Why won’t this end?

There’s a concert, which Brooks calls “magical.” (The case continues to grow against this guy.) And then it happens. Brooks starts dancing and a small piece of my soul dies.

Did you all see it? Hopefully you didn’t it. It was beyond horrible. But I did the whole train wreck move where you want to look away bit instead you rewind it three times to make sure it was real life.

Desiree closes with a warning to us all: “Tonight set the tone of the rest of my journey.” Oh lord, it’s time to reconsider watching this season.

My apologies to Andy Grammar (that singer guy in case you, like me, had no idea what his name was) for having to witness that madness. Time to talk to your agent Andy.

Speaking of talking to your agent, Soulja Boy – you’re on deck.

Who’s here for the right reasons? I’m looking at you Dan, Juan Pablo, Will, Zak K., Ryan, Drew, James, Mike D., Zak W., Nick, Michael, Brandon, Ben and whatever the guy who read the card’s name is.

Next stop on the journey is one for the record books. We’ve seen many an awkward and embarrassing photo shoot but nothing like this before. Yes, we’re filming a rap video (that will never be seen anywhere other than this show).

I know, I can’t believe how slutty I look either! Image: ABC

Not sure how much Soulja Boy got paid to do this but it certainly was not enough.

They show up at some nondescript McMansion and find Des is a SNUG dress. I want to hate her (I do hate the dress) but her body is on point. Shes accompanied by the Boy of Soldiers who explains that they will each need to do a quick rap to determine who will be the best worst and therefore, win a speaking/rapping (let’s not really call this rapping – it’s more like spoken word).

“Who wants to show me some love,” SB yells and the guys simultaneously attack him and start kissing him. Okay, that didn’t happen but they all did emphatically raise their hands in eagerness.

Here’s hoping Soulja Boy got REALLY HIGH before filming this.

A select few guys are chosen for their douchiness resemblance to Bachelorette stars gone past. I can’t help but squeal in delight when I realize that the producers are in on the Kasey Kahl lookalike status and have assigned him the plum “guard and protect your heart” role. Robert Mills FTW!

Bonus points for casting Ben as Mad Brad in Plaid. I can’t believe I’m saying this but I’d take another season of Brad before another moment of watching this turd burglar.

The “rap song” they are performing is titled “Right Reasons.” One of the big buzzwords on this show alongside journey and anything said with “Most” and “Ever” as bookends. The fact that they were able to get the tune stuck in my head has me regretting I ever watched this show in the first place but at least it showcased these guys willingness to do anything to be on TV.

I’m getting paid for this right? Image: ABC

This entire segment is a blur because I spend half of shielding my eyes and half of it with my eyes glazed over, trying to comprehend what is happening on-screen.

I lose all faith in Des when I realize that she is kind of enjoying this. I also spend a good part of the segment wondering where they are hiding Juan Pablo. Come out come out wherever you are!

I come to when I hear Des say “It’s nice to see that looks and personality can combine” and I wonder if they have just introduced another cast member because I know she can’t be talking about any of the guys on this date. (Except JP but we all know that she has no idea what is personality is like since he mostly only speaks Spanish.)

This madness goes on about 10 minutes too long and we’re finally a wrap. Poor Poor Soulja Boy. Is this what your career has come to SB?

Thank god we’re done with this horrible rap video and moving on to the part where they get liquored up and fight.

Des is hopeful and excited since, “From what I’ve seen there are a lot of guys that are marriage material.” Um Des, you okay? I’m worried about you. Have you been watching the same thing I have? Yikes a million.

Biggest surprise of the night comes early when Zak W. (or as I refer to him, no shirt guy) presents Des with a somewhat heartfelt gift. It seems nice until we realize that he gave her a used, old notebook. Just what she’s always wanted (and duh, you know all the drawers at her place are stocked with diaries. We’ll be seeing her jot down her emotions in them as she whittles away some of you losers).

Who knew shirtless dude would bring a thoughtful antique present. Although the chances he picked it out himself are slim to none. Oh Zak W.

P.S. – Love the fight going on in the tweets. Although I’m on team no tweets for selfish reasons since I haven’t had a chance to live tweet the show.

While Brandon channels his inner (very emotional) Kasey Kahl, Ben is going the creeper route by sneaking up behind anyone talking to Des. His creepy smile and deep side part makes me wonder how many girls he roofied in college. It appears the rest of the guys are on to this though and have pegged Ben as the guy that’s “not here for the right reasons, right reasons, here for all the wrong reasons.” (Sing it with me friends!)

Ben is back using his kid for brownie points and generally being sketchy. The way he gropes her face gives me SE chills just thinking about it. There is definitely a trail of sexual assaults following this guy.

Some other observations from the bro-party:

* Mikey is definitely not going to win but I like having him around. Even if he does get all distracted when Ben complements his shoes.

* Brandon has got to stick around. He’s got a lot more embarrassment in him and I can’t wait to hear what he says next time he gets a couple of champagnes in him.
“I was born. I had a mom and a dad like you.” Thanks bro. You and everyone else.

These sob stories are getting out of hand. Is that a requirement on the application? If so, we’re going to need to step up our game. Sarah from last season had a sob story (you know, she was missing an arm). We’re going to need to get on that level if this is a new requirement.

* Juan Pablo hasn’t gotten nearly enough screen time.

Just like every contestant on this show before her, Des gives the rose to the contestant everyone else hates. The guys sneer as Ben gives that smirky smile that makes you wonder if he’s hiding something (or someone) in his trunk.

Roadtrippin with Bryden

Last up is a good old-fashioned road trip with Bryden. Other than the spelling of his name, there’s not much that I hate about Bryden. Scratch that, his bangs. I hate those bangs. Can we get someone to cut those stat?

Des picks Bryden up and he’s pumped. “She looks amazing, the car looks amazing.” Good thing you put them in that order bro. He probably would have switched it up if the car wasn’t that girly color.

Points to Bryden for actually wanting to drive (Brooks, you could have at least asked). But no Bentley for you buddy. It’s time to hop in that passenger’s seat cause Des is driving.

Des is pumped about taking this Montana boy on a California road trip, “For him to experience this is just insane.”

Hey Des, I’m thinking that’s not the adjective you were going for there. Maybe really exciting, very cool, such a fun experience. Insane, not so much.

This is followed up with the comment that “All you need is a car, some gas and some good company.” Well good thing you all have two out of three.

First stop is the beach where Sean filmed all his shirtless beach montages. Can’t we find another beach in California ABC? Is this the only one that allows filming?

Next stop is Ojai. They do a little orange grove exploring while I explore the Internets for new items to add to my closet.

Sorry pals, when the third date isn’t totally embarrassing, I tend to lose my attention and start online shopping.

But I know things are getting romantic when I name that tune in two notes – EPIC LOVE MIX!

It’s dinner time now and it appears that Bryden is quickly able to kill Des’ appetite by showing off some pictures of a serious car wreck he was in.

Was I the only one wondering why he just carries those around? Obviously he printed them out to show her before the season but did he really thing the first date was the best time to show those off?

Either way, we learn that this experience is what led him to join the military. Still no insight on what led to that haircut though. Clearly he knew what was up though, Des loves that he’s “opening up” and gives him the rose.

Now it’s on to, BY FAR, the biggest SE moment of the show (and that’s saying something. oh and because I’m a pal, I included the video). Des and Bryden in the hot tub. They inch closer together like two middle schoolers and then stare at each other going back and forth talking about “how great” today was.

I want to walk up to them and push their heads together while yelling “JUST KISS ALREADY!” As I shielded my eyes from the events taking place on screen, I saw Drew make a break for the next room. Too overcome with SE to even be within the vicinity of the television.

Thankfully Des recognizes the pain we’re all in and tells him to “just kiss me already.” I immediately feel relieved but the relief is only momentary because I’ve forgotten how horrible the slurpy, sloppy kissing noise is.

Just when I’m about to make a run for it, they end the scene.

Rose Time.

This post has gotten WAY long so I’m going to try to keep this short.

First up, what’s up with Desiree’s mermaid dress?

Second, hey Michael from Miami – I want to like you since I’m from the MIA too but that diabetes story was WAY TOO DRAMATIC. You know Des though he was about to tell her he accidentally ran over his little brother or had a love child in high school. Instead, he just drops some low blood sugar knowledge. Bro, that can be controlled. Let’s not take this whole sob story requirement too far.

Third, Ben you have got to stop being such a stage four clinger. The way you just circle around convos like a shark in bloody water is making me MUY UNCOMFORTABLE (that Spanish was for you Juan Pablo).

Not cool how you totally cut-off Michael even if he was telling a completely over dramatic story.

And then that part about it being your little secret that you’re the only one who has kissed her. Um, jokes on you buddy. It’s her little secret that she’s already kissed like four dudes.

Last, Mikey I love that you’re trying to be a stand up guy and call Ben out but it just seems a little early. Either way, I still heart you and your snug suits.

Woosh – There you are CH. I thought you’d never show up to save us. It’s rose time.

Brooks, Ben and Bryden are all safe (say that three times fast).

Roses go to…

* James
* Kasey
* Dan
* Juan Pablo – YES! HOLLA!
* Brad
* Chris
* Brian
* Zak W.
* Drew
* Mikey
* Zak K.
* Michael Diabetes
* Brandon

All I know is that she cut that cutie little Armie Hammer lookalike. Bummer.

What did you all think? Did you survive that rap-sanity? What do you think about next week?
That GF that makes an appearance kind of looks like Olivia Munn to me.

Anyways, until next time… stay tuned!

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DESperate Measures or How ABC learned to stop fighting it and embrace the insanity. The Bachelorette Season 9 Episode 1 Recap

Did you guys think I’d never come back? You probably never cared enough to ask but alas, here I am. Back for another mind-numbing season of The Bachelorette.

In general, I love The Bachelor more (obviously Bachelor Pad is #1 in my book but since it was cancelled, Bachelor, by default, gets the #1 slot) but Bachelorette can be counted on for 1. the largest assembled group of douchebags outside The Jersey Shore 2. 25 hugely overinflated egos 3. abs for days 4. hair gel. lots and lots of hair gel.

Do I have anything in my teeth? Image: ABC

This season is no different. But you know what is, Des. Not sure how I feel about her. First off, I hate how EVERYONE calls her Des. No one has even attempted to call her Desiree yet. I can totally understand why but really, you all just met. Let’s skip the overly familiar nicknames for now. Second, what is the deal with her Bachelorette pad? Did they lose the lease on that swanky pad down the road from the mansion? And last, what’s the deal with the seafoam Bentley. Was a standard black one not available? Was it necessary for her to look like she’s driving one of those ’04 throwback Thunderbirds?

Whats neither here nor there. I’m committed to watching this season. If nothing else to see who the dude with the girlfriend is, haha who am I kidding. I’m watching to see those dudes get in a fight (why they would fight over Des is beyond me but I guess that’s what makes it worth watching).

High five if you hate your life right now? Image: ABC

So anyways, last night I decided that I needed to get back into the show without taking notes. So today’s post will be strictly from memory and will not include as many completely ridiculous direct quotes. Instead you’ll have to thank your brain for immediately forgetting them so they can’t haunt your secondary embarrassment dreams forever.

On to the show:

I’ve already mentioned my displeasure with the new bachelorette-pad so I’ll move on to Chris Harrison’s obvious displeasure for Des and his own dignity (What was up with that shirt CH? Floral trim, really? Bring back the Brad Plaid!). Seriously, how miz did he look in that cliff side interview. I know the sun had to be in his eyes (intentionally to shield him from Des’ out of control fake eye lashes) but he couldn’t have looked more bored. Clearly he was just counting down until he could escape to knock back a few cocktails before the party.

Next up, let’s discuss that montage. Did you see the part where Des (not sure why I think it’s appropriate to call her Des myself but whatever – I’m sticking with it. Yeah I get it, I’m a hypocrite) slid down that concrete ball thing? WHAT THE WHAT WAS THAT? I get that we have to see the silly, senior pose moments but that shit was unreal. Can’t it just be like what they do for the dudes – basically just showing them in a bathing suit (+ American Apparel tank top)? If I had forgotten what extreme secondary embarrassment felt like in the off-season, there was no escaping it once that bit of brilliance hit the screen.

Side note: Drink every time Des says “this is a dream come true,” “i feel like a princess” and/or makes any sort of fairy tale reference. For the record Des, you are no Disney Princess.

Now on to the guys. Where in the hell did they find these people? I didn’t even realize that so many guys still wore that much hair gel. Also, I get that you have muscles but is it so hard to get your suit tailored to keep it from looking like you’re about to HULK out of it? Couldn’t that magician/tailor have done some last minute fittings?

On to the magician, Nick, is it bad that I liked him? Not sure why because he committed so many of the SE cardinal sins but something about him didn’t make me want to run down the street to escape my TV. Lord, at least he was more up front with his day job than the “Painting Contractor” and the “Plumbing Contractor.” Oh you mean you’re a painter and a plumber? That’s cool. Those dudes can make some solid dough but let’s call it what it is, k?

Out of left field Side note: Not sure how I feel about the live twitter feed during the show. I kind of love it because it shows that ABC knows this show is a joke and fully embraces it. But I also get kind of jealous since I never live-tweet the show and will therefor never get my 1.5 seconds of fleeting twitter fame. Oh well, I do love that @finalrose account.

Moving on to the rest of the guys – there are A LOT of lookalikes this season and you all know how much I love lookalikes (well maybe you didn’t but now you do).

Up first: Brandon and Kasey “Guard and Protect Your Heart” Kahl

Brandon and Kasey Kahl Lookalike Don’t even act like you don’t see it. It becomes even more pronounced (or less pronounced maybe) when he talks and you can see that he has the same tiny, tiny mouth as Kasey. Not sure how I feel about Brandon. Don’t hate him… yet.

Next up, Dan and Jeff Probst.

jeff probst and dan lookalike

Props to Dan for being one of like three guys on the show that didn’t load up a case of L.A. Looks before coming on the show.

LA Looks Gel

Wish I could have found a lookalike for that L.A. Looks bottle but alas – it was one of a kind.

Last but not least, Robert and Armie Hammer. And yes, I intentionally chose a crappy picture of Armie Hammer – sorry Armie and not just because your name is Armie.

armie hammer and robert lookalike Okay so now that I’ve got that out of my system, on to the rest of the events.

Since I abandoned my computer this episode (the real truth – it was dead and I had no power cord. Fail to prepare, prepare to fail – I know, I know), there will be no detailed explanation of every douchebag and the seriously douchey thing he did to impress/mortify/embarrass Des. Here were the most memorable:

* Nick. I told you I liked the magician. I liked the trick. I’m not even embarrassed about it.

* Larry the ER doctor/raging alcoholic. What the what buddy? So the dip didn’t go as planned, that’s no reason to throw yourself off the deep end into a glass of scotch. Yikes a million.

* That sleezy dude that used his kid as rose bait. I get it bud, your little guy is precious. But dragging him out here to parade in front of Des gave me the mehs. I’m guessing that his mom just REALLY wanted to get a peek at the mansion and this was the only way to make it less than pathetic. What’s that guy’s name? Ben. It looks like he’s in the running for supreme douche from the previews.

* Zack. What the what are you wearing? The tuxedo cutting off circulation to his head and those chucks made him look like an overgrown four-year old (I’m hoping you all like that joke because it went over well with Drew). I’m guessing he packed up his collection of v-neck tees and can’t wait to break them out with some snug shorts on the next episode. Will he pair them with TOMS? We can only wait to find out but one things for certain: Zack, my friend, you are no Sean.

* Hashtag Guy. #killmenow

* Brooks. This guy is a total Monet (sorry I watched Clueless this weekend and needed to work in a reference). From first glance, he seems alright but then he opens his mouth and you see those wonky teeth and hear his effeminate voice. It’s disarming. Also, cut your hair.

* Armor Suit. I’ve only got three words. Bless His Heart.

* High Five Guy. Is Will on a mission to set the world record for most high-fives on one network TV show? Dude is high fiving the plants, each contestant – twice, the limo driver, Des, the waterfall, the guy that waters down the driveway before the limos arrive, my mom, his mom, EVERYONE.

* And the only one seriously worth remembering in my book, sweet sweet Juan Pablo. I’ve got a soft spot for the latin lover (see: Roberto) and JP is no exception. He’s got no chance of winning but here’s hoping she keeps him around long enough for some gratuitous shirtless shots poolside. Hola!

At the party, it’s now standard practice to just go handing out roses willy nilly. Thanks a lot Sean. I can appreciate the anxiety this gives everyone though. The mix of panic (for fear of missing out on their 19 second of fame) and testosterone makes for a pretty deadly combination and dudes are going all out to get their moment with Des. Why? I’m still not sure. Guys and just swinging from the portico trying to steal her away from one another.

Each rose symbolizes your willingness to abandon your morals, dignity and self-respect.
Image: ABC

Since I forgot to mention the shirtless Chippendale’s dancer in my first impression section, he warrants a mention now. Can one human be any tanner? I’d love for him to make it to hometowns just so we could see what his natural skin tone is supposed to be. For all we know, his mom could be a red head. Also, really with the no shirt? It’s like you automatically won the first douche-pression rose. The fact that Des gave him one after he jumped in the pool just shows the kind of gal we’re working with. At least the creepy fantasy suite frat guy put some thought into his douchebaggery.

Speaking of the fantasy suite frat guy, can we all just give him a moment of recognition. Lil buddy was hella persistent. I know all the twitter people were hating on the fantasy suite card when he got out of the limo but I thought then that it was mildly clever. And it should have made Des feel better since she never got one of those from Sean. Then our forward friend got a little too much franzia in his system and started to set the mood like it was a Boys II Men video. I was hoping that one of the producers would “accidentally” lock him in there so we could watch him panic as his rose dreams burned down like those giant pillar candles he relocated.

Des puts her foot down, cause you know – she wants to be treated like a lady (um, I’ve seen the previews Des and heavy petting and open mouth kissing while pinned up against a building in the middle of the street does not a lady make). So her kicks Jonathan out. So much for you being the creepiest dude here anymore Larry.

It seems like poor Des knows that she’s been intentionally given the worst group of bachelorette contestants ever assembled (just had to get some good ole fashioned Bachelor hyperbole in there for you). Poor thing is just running around, trying to avoid getting hair gel in her eye, self tanner on her dress and the smell of Drakkar Noir out of her hair.

In the end, she keeps a rag tag team of nice guys (and by nice guys, I mean guys with good jobs), abs guys and cutie pies (i’m looking at your childish good looks Drew). There’s also a few questionable picks (both Zacks, Mikey) and a few guys you can’t remember ever seeing before (Brad, Nick M.). So we’ll see how this plays out.

Next week, I promise to power up the laptop and get my note taking on. I also promise to prepare more for the onslaught of SE that is sure to take over next week.

What do you think of Des? What was your most cringe-inducing moment? Who’s your favorite, or better yet least favorite?

More importantly (to me only) are you hype that SE is back? Should I try to tackle more shows?

Until next time… stay tuned.

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