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DESperate Measures or How ABC learned to stop fighting it and embrace the insanity. The Bachelorette Season 9 Episode 1 Recap

Did you guys think I’d never come back? You probably never cared enough to ask but alas, here I am. Back for another mind-numbing season of The Bachelorette.

In general, I love The Bachelor more (obviously Bachelor Pad is #1 in my book but since it was cancelled, Bachelor, by default, gets the #1 slot) but Bachelorette can be counted on for 1. the largest assembled group of douchebags outside The Jersey Shore 2. 25 hugely overinflated egos 3. abs for days 4. hair gel. lots and lots of hair gel.

Do I have anything in my teeth? Image: ABC

This season is no different. But you know what is, Des. Not sure how I feel about her. First off, I hate how EVERYONE calls her Des. No one has even attempted to call her Desiree yet. I can totally understand why but really, you all just met. Let’s skip the overly familiar nicknames for now. Second, what is the deal with her Bachelorette pad? Did they lose the lease on that swanky pad down the road from the mansion? And last, what’s the deal with the seafoam Bentley. Was a standard black one not available? Was it necessary for her to look like she’s driving one of those ’04 throwback Thunderbirds?

Whats neither here nor there. I’m committed to watching this season. If nothing else to see who the dude with the girlfriend is, haha who am I kidding. I’m watching to see those dudes get in a fight (why they would fight over Des is beyond me but I guess that’s what makes it worth watching).

High five if you hate your life right now? Image: ABC

So anyways, last night I decided that I needed to get back into the show without taking notes. So today’s post will be strictly from memory and will not include as many completely ridiculous direct quotes. Instead you’ll have to thank your brain for immediately forgetting them so they can’t haunt your secondary embarrassment dreams forever.

On to the show:

I’ve already mentioned my displeasure with the new bachelorette-pad so I’ll move on to Chris Harrison’s obvious displeasure for Des and his own dignity (What was up with that shirt CH? Floral trim, really? Bring back the Brad Plaid!). Seriously, how miz did he look in that cliff side interview. I know the sun had to be in his eyes (intentionally to shield him from Des’ out of control fake eye lashes) but he couldn’t have looked more bored. Clearly he was just counting down until he could escape to knock back a few cocktails before the party.

Next up, let’s discuss that montage. Did you see the part where Des (not sure why I think it’s appropriate to call her Des myself but whatever – I’m sticking with it. Yeah I get it, I’m a hypocrite) slid down that concrete ball thing? WHAT THE WHAT WAS THAT? I get that we have to see the silly, senior pose moments but that shit was unreal. Can’t it just be like what they do for the dudes – basically just showing them in a bathing suit (+ American Apparel tank top)? If I had forgotten what extreme secondary embarrassment felt like in the off-season, there was no escaping it once that bit of brilliance hit the screen.

Side note: Drink every time Des says “this is a dream come true,” “i feel like a princess” and/or makes any sort of fairy tale reference. For the record Des, you are no Disney Princess.

Now on to the guys. Where in the hell did they find these people? I didn’t even realize that so many guys still wore that much hair gel. Also, I get that you have muscles but is it so hard to get your suit tailored to keep it from looking like you’re about to HULK out of it? Couldn’t that magician/tailor have done some last minute fittings?

On to the magician, Nick, is it bad that I liked him? Not sure why because he committed so many of the SE cardinal sins but something about him didn’t make me want to run down the street to escape my TV. Lord, at least he was more up front with his day job than the “Painting Contractor” and the “Plumbing Contractor.” Oh you mean you’re a painter and a plumber? That’s cool. Those dudes can make some solid dough but let’s call it what it is, k?

Out of left field Side note: Not sure how I feel about the live twitter feed during the show. I kind of love it because it shows that ABC knows this show is a joke and fully embraces it. But I also get kind of jealous since I never live-tweet the show and will therefor never get my 1.5 seconds of fleeting twitter fame. Oh well, I do love that @finalrose account.

Moving on to the rest of the guys – there are A LOT of lookalikes this season and you all know how much I love lookalikes (well maybe you didn’t but now you do).

Up first: Brandon and Kasey “Guard and Protect Your Heart” Kahl

Brandon and Kasey Kahl Lookalike Don’t even act like you don’t see it. It becomes even more pronounced (or less pronounced maybe) when he talks and you can see that he has the same tiny, tiny mouth as Kasey. Not sure how I feel about Brandon. Don’t hate him… yet.

Next up, Dan and Jeff Probst.

jeff probst and dan lookalike

Props to Dan for being one of like three guys on the show that didn’t load up a case of L.A. Looks before coming on the show.

LA Looks Gel

Wish I could have found a lookalike for that L.A. Looks bottle but alas – it was one of a kind.

Last but not least, Robert and Armie Hammer. And yes, I intentionally chose a crappy picture of Armie Hammer – sorry Armie and not just because your name is Armie.

armie hammer and robert lookalike Okay so now that I’ve got that out of my system, on to the rest of the events.

Since I abandoned my computer this episode (the real truth – it was dead and I had no power cord. Fail to prepare, prepare to fail – I know, I know), there will be no detailed explanation of every douchebag and the seriously douchey thing he did to impress/mortify/embarrass Des. Here were the most memorable:

* Nick. I told you I liked the magician. I liked the trick. I’m not even embarrassed about it.

* Larry the ER doctor/raging alcoholic. What the what buddy? So the dip didn’t go as planned, that’s no reason to throw yourself off the deep end into a glass of scotch. Yikes a million.

* That sleezy dude that used his kid as rose bait. I get it bud, your little guy is precious. But dragging him out here to parade in front of Des gave me the mehs. I’m guessing that his mom just REALLY wanted to get a peek at the mansion and this was the only way to make it less than pathetic. What’s that guy’s name? Ben. It looks like he’s in the running for supreme douche from the previews.

* Zack. What the what are you wearing? The tuxedo cutting off circulation to his head and those chucks made him look like an overgrown four-year old (I’m hoping you all like that joke because it went over well with Drew). I’m guessing he packed up his collection of v-neck tees and can’t wait to break them out with some snug shorts on the next episode. Will he pair them with TOMS? We can only wait to find out but one things for certain: Zack, my friend, you are no Sean.

* Hashtag Guy. #killmenow

* Brooks. This guy is a total Monet (sorry I watched Clueless this weekend and needed to work in a reference). From first glance, he seems alright but then he opens his mouth and you see those wonky teeth and hear his effeminate voice. It’s disarming. Also, cut your hair.

* Armor Suit. I’ve only got three words. Bless His Heart.

* High Five Guy. Is Will on a mission to set the world record for most high-fives on one network TV show? Dude is high fiving the plants, each contestant – twice, the limo driver, Des, the waterfall, the guy that waters down the driveway before the limos arrive, my mom, his mom, EVERYONE.

* And the only one seriously worth remembering in my book, sweet sweet Juan Pablo. I’ve got a soft spot for the latin lover (see: Roberto) and JP is no exception. He’s got no chance of winning but here’s hoping she keeps him around long enough for some gratuitous shirtless shots poolside. Hola!

At the party, it’s now standard practice to just go handing out roses willy nilly. Thanks a lot Sean. I can appreciate the anxiety this gives everyone though. The mix of panic (for fear of missing out on their 19 second of fame) and testosterone makes for a pretty deadly combination and dudes are going all out to get their moment with Des. Why? I’m still not sure. Guys and just swinging from the portico trying to steal her away from one another.

Each rose symbolizes your willingness to abandon your morals, dignity and self-respect.
Image: ABC

Since I forgot to mention the shirtless Chippendale’s dancer in my first impression section, he warrants a mention now. Can one human be any tanner? I’d love for him to make it to hometowns just so we could see what his natural skin tone is supposed to be. For all we know, his mom could be a red head. Also, really with the no shirt? It’s like you automatically won the first douche-pression rose. The fact that Des gave him one after he jumped in the pool just shows the kind of gal we’re working with. At least the creepy fantasy suite frat guy put some thought into his douchebaggery.

Speaking of the fantasy suite frat guy, can we all just give him a moment of recognition. Lil buddy was hella persistent. I know all the twitter people were hating on the fantasy suite card when he got out of the limo but I thought then that it was mildly clever. And it should have made Des feel better since she never got one of those from Sean. Then our forward friend got a little too much franzia in his system and started to set the mood like it was a Boys II Men video. I was hoping that one of the producers would “accidentally” lock him in there so we could watch him panic as his rose dreams burned down like those giant pillar candles he relocated.

Des puts her foot down, cause you know – she wants to be treated like a lady (um, I’ve seen the previews Des and heavy petting and open mouth kissing while pinned up against a building in the middle of the street does not a lady make). So her kicks Jonathan out. So much for you being the creepiest dude here anymore Larry.

It seems like poor Des knows that she’s been intentionally given the worst group of bachelorette contestants ever assembled (just had to get some good ole fashioned Bachelor hyperbole in there for you). Poor thing is just running around, trying to avoid getting hair gel in her eye, self tanner on her dress and the smell of Drakkar Noir out of her hair.

In the end, she keeps a rag tag team of nice guys (and by nice guys, I mean guys with good jobs), abs guys and cutie pies (i’m looking at your childish good looks Drew). There’s also a few questionable picks (both Zacks, Mikey) and a few guys you can’t remember ever seeing before (Brad, Nick M.). So we’ll see how this plays out.

Next week, I promise to power up the laptop and get my note taking on. I also promise to prepare more for the onslaught of SE that is sure to take over next week.

What do you think of Des? What was your most cringe-inducing moment? Who’s your favorite, or better yet least favorite?

More importantly (to me only) are you hype that SE is back? Should I try to tackle more shows?

Until next time… stay tuned.

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Adventures in Insecurity – The Bachelorette Season 7 Episode 5 Recap Part II

And we’re back. Sorry to split this episode up but I had to take care of some business. Now I’m back to the important stuff. Like which desperate wannabe Ashley will send packing.

Rolling on a River.

Two-on-one time people. Are you ready? Two men will enter. It’s up to our girl Ash to decide how many will leave (well at least one but that’s no guarantee). Ashley has a soft spot in her heart for the two-on-one as she survived this disaster of a dating scheme last season. And by survived, I mean sent her bestie home crying. I’m looking at you Ashley S. 

For this date ABC combined two classic fan favorites – the elephant/jungle date and the two-on-one. Classic. Who doesn’t love the jungle date? Isn’t it where Brad and Emily cemented (actually like rubber cemented) their love last season. Elephant riding = reality romance. (After I wrote that, I realized how dirty it sounds. Totally unintentional so I am leaving it.)

So this date is a show down between the Muppet Lookalike (Ben C.) and the Muppet Act-alike (William. I just made that work up. You like it). Does anyone else think that William has put on a few lbs. over the course of filming. Is he this season’s kool-aid man  Chantal?

So William is up front pouting and rowing while Ashley and Ben C. spend some quality time on the back of the raft. During this time, William is scheming about things he can do to make himself appear cooler (not many options there) and/or ruin Ben’s chances of getting the rose. You can almost see the Grinch-like smile spread across his face when he devises his dating website plan.

This plan comes from the same cell-phone salesman that is Mystery Man #1 on Bachelor Pad. Yup, you read that right. William will be joining the cast and bringing his tourettets-style mix of self-love and self-hate to the BP. Better start preparing yourself now.

While the two guys row, Ashley talks about how cool this is while also wondering aloud how the two guys are strong enough to row her down the river.

The ride ends and it’s awkward picnic time. Ben C. decides to leave William and Ashley alone to take a quick nap. Little does he know that will be the last nap he ever takes… on The Bachelorette.

William?

William does one of the most annoying things I think any human can ever do. The ‘ole “I don’t want to throw [Insert Name] under the bus but [proceed to throw them immediately under the bus].” This technique also works with the phrase “No offense but…” Whatever you’re going to say after but is most certainly going to be offensive.

With the bus fast approaching, William throws Ben underneath and tells Ashley that our boy Benny is telling all the dudes how hyped up he is to troll the internet dating sites when he gets home. Um, really? Like seriously? First off, I am no big fan of Ben C’s looks (I only have eyes for JP) but come on – this guy can for sure get action by just showing up at a bar and saying he was on The Bachelorette. Wouldn’t that be a more effective use of his time rather than sitting alone at his computer weeding out the ugly’s and stalkers on Match.com?

Because this show has turned this otherwise intelligent and confident girl (I’m giving her the benefit of the doubt here) into a bumbling ball of insecurity and anxiety she takes the bait. Hook Line Sinker.

Ashley is having none of it (in between her anxiety induced panic attacks and stomach pains).  She’s all like “Aw hell no” and stomps over to that blanket. She’s giving Ben the business and he just looks half asleep/half surprised. Ben is clearly caught off guard but doesn’t really seem all that disappointed. Maybe mildly bummed at best. I think he was just sad that he wasn’t going to get to travel the far east (we’re not supposed to call it that anymore are we?) anymore.

William is standing in the background quietly gloating about his evil plan – thinking that this leaves him in the clear. Little goes he know that roses can be set on fire.

Ben sails off into the jungle. He goes quietly and with dignity (sounds like the copy for a hospice ad). I’m sure he’ll be back home, macking on Bachelorette groupies in no time (take that William!).

William has no idea that giving your massively insecure date a panic attack is not the way to her heart and thinks he’s in the clear. I really dislike William and his skeezy, cocky attitude. While the two of them traipse through the jungle on their elephants, I wonder out loud what a girl has to do to get Ames on this date. (yeah, it’s come to that)

We move on to the dinner portion of the date. Ashley has borrowed a dress from a Thai prostitute which was hand sewn out of the hide of a drag-queen tiger. I mean really. This dress is horrible. Almost as horrible as William.

I am getting really tired of Williams tired doofy nice guy routine. Thankfully, it appears Ashley is as well. For once Ashley doesn’t look excited at all to be on a date. It looks like she may be asleep, I point this out to Drew and find that he has actually fallen asleep. Yup, that’s what happens when you don’t invite Ames on every date.

When does Bachelor Pad start filming?

I’ve officially decided that I dislike William more than Bentley (I didn’t think it was possible) when Ashley sends he’s 30-year-old kid ass home. She burns that rose like nobody’s business and decides to call it a night.

In a moment of classic SE, William doesn’t take his marching orders happily and cries his way into the sunset. This Columbus-bred cell-phone slanger is a self-proclaimed loser and jackass (who can disagree). It appears that our boy has a bit of a split personality. One minute he is telling the world that he hung the moon, the next moment he is telling us all that he is a giant piece of s**t (I’m agreeing with the latter). I’m hoping there is someone on the Bachelor Pad who is making sure William is taking his meds and staying in his happy place.

Ashley ruins her moment of guts and glory by sinking back into her pit of self-loathing and insecurity and we finally escape from this heart of darkness.

Rose ceremony.

Well at least Ashley has one thing going for her, she finally found a cute dress (see I said dress not long blouse). To continue our pattern of tumultuous rose ceremonies, the producers stage  Mother Nature makes it rain.

A few well-timed thunder claps let us know how serious she when she asks the guys to be true to themselves (i.e.- tell her they’re not digging on her so she can send their sorry asses home).

Since Ryan knows just what a desperate, insecure girl needs to hear, he grabs her and makes sure she knows how he’s “totally into her.” Totally.

Constantine pulls Ashley aside to let her know that his shirt matches his eye shadow and to remind her that he’s not Ben F. I like Constantine. It is nice to know that at least one person on this show isn’t a robot. He may be boring but at least he isn’t a giant phony. It’s official, I am a fan of this Geico Caveman/Jason Schwartman/Josh Groban/Ben F. lookalike.

Side Note: Do you think Constantine and Ben F. look at each other and wonder how the ABC producers found their Doppelgangers?

It’s at this point that I want to fast forward through all of Ashley’s insecurity. I wish a little warning ticker would come across the bottom of the screen (like during thunderstorms) and let us know when she’s about to spout off about how no one likes her.

On to JP TIME aka SEXY TIME. I heart him. You know she just wans to jump his bones (can you blame her?). Ashley acts all  goofy and weird around JP though. Look Bia, if you are thinking about Bentley while looking into JP’s dreamy eyes, you have some serious problems.  If you say Bentley one more time and ruin an on-screen moment with JP, I am going to come smack you all the way back to Salt Lake City.

Ashley sits down with CH to break it down and by break it down, I mean can’t keep crazy under control. She’s been anxious thinking of Bentley non stop. It’s gotten so bad that she doesn’t even want to tell CH about it. She knows he is judging her along with the rest of the world. I wish CH would lean across the coffee table and knock her backwards in her chair. Maybe then she would realize what an idiot she is.

Chris Harrison stands up for the dudes and is like bitch, get your shit together. CH is PISSED. You can tell he is so annoyed with her. Thankfully CH is playing the role of the American Viewing Public. Way to represent . He is like “how the hell do we end this? How do we get you to stop acting crazy?” More importantly how do we get you both to never say “dot dot dot” again?

Chris tells Crazy No Pants to get her s**t straight, there is a rose ceremony to attend to.

Get it together.

Behind Chris Harrison’s back Ashley blabbers on about Bentley. At this point Drew even says “I hope I never hear her say Bentley’s name again.” We all know that is not going to happen but I appreciate the sentiment. That’s why I married him – he knows when chicks are acting all whack and crazy (and mostly because he’ll watch trashy reality tv with me. If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a million times – it’s the little things in life).

Rose Time: 

Blake and Ben F. already have stems. One dude is packing up. Who will it be? Cue the sad “Thai” music (is there a pandora station for that?)

Side Note: Does Ames know where he is right now? More importantly, does Wall Street know where Ames is right now and what this dentist is doing to him? Who is keeping our economy afloat while Ames is looking for love? Who is babysitting the stock market? Is this why are economy is going down the tank? Get this man back on WALL STREET! Stat!

  • Constantine
  • Lucas
  • JP
  • Ames (“I have no clue who I am or wear I am. But yes, I will accept the flower from the pretty midget.”)
  • Mickey

Last rose time. Who will it be? I’m hoping Nick but I know that won’t happen.

  • Ryan harnesses the power of the Sun and snags the last rose.

Unfortunately for me Nick is sent packing. I wish he would be making an appearance on Bachelor Pad but apparently it’s not in the cards for him.

Nick says goodbye to love but hello to mindless hook ups and $2500 per appearance fees.

Now on to a subject I wish we were not discussing. The return of Bentley. They’ve been dragging this crap out since he left (2 episodes ago!!!!). I am 100% officially pissed at ABC. STOP IT!!!!!!  I thought he was gonna be back this episode, you jerks are making this drag out a whole other episode. I am pissed. You’ve done it this time producers. If I have to look at this turds ugly mug after next weeks episode, I am going to …. well, I’m not going to do anything but rant about how mad I am at you on my blog. So there.

The only saving grace is that is looks like the remainder of the guys stage a revolt and make Ashley feel like poo. Serves her (and the show) right. These previews just gave me hope for some sort of entertainment next week (and at least Ames will be there).

So save that Pepto. You’ll be needing it next week now.

Until next time… stay tuned.

 

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“Last Minute is the Best Minute” The Bachelorette Episode 4 Recap

As I settled into last night’s episode of The Bachelorette I was hopeful. Hopeful that we’d turned the corner on Bentley, bad dates, boring dudes and Ashley talking about how surprised she was that all the guys could pick her up. I was really looking forward to liking this season. Unfortunately, I was severely disappointed. Like the most disappointed you can be.

I knew we were off to a rough start when we had to relive the entire Bentley drama in one dreadfully long montage. This would be the first of many moments when I had to fight the urge to fast forward. After reliving the whole “dot dot dot” exchange, Ashley ponders out loud “How can I do this?” Well Ashley, the first step is putting down the purple comforter. I’m sure the second step involves putting some sort of bare midriff shirt on. And last but not least, get your open mouth kissing on with every guy that’s left. Spoiler Alert (not really): Ashley does all of these things this episode. (I know, shocking right?)

p.s. – there is no two-part re-cap this week. whether that is a good thing or a bad thing is up to you. 

So Chris Harrison is on the scene, cuffs rolled up, ready for business. He tells all the guys that this “process” (of elimination) is really serious and they need to take it seriously. Hey Chris – this is a reality TV dating show. It is the opposite of serious. Serious is brain surgery or the war in Afghanistan or tackling unemployment issues. This is a show about a vapid, insecure former cheerleader looking for love by dating 25 former Mickey Mouse Club members  guys over a six-week period. Not serious.

Chris “what am I doing with my life” Harrison tells the hipsters in henley to pack their bags, we’re going  to Thailand. Cue the excited brah’s giving each other high fives and man hugs.

Let's do this brah!

I imagine Nick is pumped to catch some sweet waves. Ryan (wearing his favorite Hawaiian Hardee’s manager shirt) wonders what the solar profile is like in Thailand and Ames is bored because he’s been everywhere and knows everything. All the while West sits in the corner looking creepy and being boring.

Ashley tells us that she’s never been to Thailand and that she is SOOOOOO excited. (Ugh, Ashley we know. You would be excited to take the garbage out.) The first of many cringes (that turn to angry outbursts) comes when she talks about how much she misses the Mormon tool bag.

After some home video footage (We’re going to Thailand Brah!”) we get to Thailand with Ashley. What the what is she wearing? Hey Ashley, 1999 called and it wants its cut-up and tied wife-beater back. How in the world is Possessionista going to do a wardrobe post about this outfit? In another unfortunate development this season, it appears Ashley is single-handedly trying to bring back the tie-up top/bare midriff.

In case you all forgot, I have a really awesome stomach.

Ashley bellys up to the front desk and asks the barely fluent in English concierge what they should do while in Thailand. Hey Sunshine and Rainbows – the producers have already planned every minute of your existence for the next 6 weeks. You will do what they say, go where they tell you to go and open mouth kiss who they tell you to kiss. Stop this charade and get to the date already.

What I’m really hoping Ashley will ask is “Do you all have a hot tub on the premises? I’m on this crazy American dating show and the viewers really love it when there are hot tubs involved.” Sadly, another one of my hopes and dreams is crushed when she skips this important detail.

The dudes arrive and quickly stretch out single file across the balcony showing their tight tee’s off proudly to the citizens of Thailand.

Date Card Time. Constantine, “Let’s sea Phuket together.”  Aw, how cute is Ashley. See how she did that? She spelled sea like the ocean. What a little doll. And in case those dunces in the suite didn’t know – it’s a clue!

Too bad for Constantine (aka the wonky eyed Ben F.). His island date with Ashley is spoiled by Mother Nature. So it’s off to the market to shop for some chotchkes and run through the streets in the rain. I’m a little pissed about this because I thought the standard back-up plan was a hot tub and champagne but oh well.

Did anyone else think this was the most boring date ever? Ashley, who is usually as hyped up as those pixie-stick addicted prima donnas on Toddlers & Tiaras, sounds like she’s on prozac. Instead of her over the top giggles, she appears to be sleeping (and dreaming of Bentley) her way through this date.

I had stopped listening for a couple minutes (someone was speaking Thai and there were no subtitles) then I hear this gem – “Love is not about winning.” Well that may be true in real life. But this is not real life and on this show Love actually IS about Winning. What a conundrum for these two platonic shopping pals.

Back at the hotel (thank god, I needed a break from that boring sad-sack of a date), we find out who is going on the group date. Ben F., JP, Blake, Mickey, West, Ben C., Nick, Lucas, William and Ryan will be helping Ashley “Make this world a better place.” Cut to a shot of West looking confused since he clearly has no idea how to do go about doing that. It’s just not in his nature.

Ames is that you?

While the dudes blabber on about how awesome it will be to hang out with Ashley, my mind wanders to Ames. What is he? I feel like looking at him directly is like staring at the sun, I’m afraid I’ll go blind. Thankfully, a friend and loyal reader send a well-timed text alerting me to the fact that Ames is the second coming of The Hunchback of Notre Dame (wow, two cartoon look alikes this season – well-played ABC).

Back to the most boring date of the season (that’s a superlative I can get behind) Constantine and Ashley talk incessantly about how good of a time they are having. Um guys, why don’t you all stop talking about having a good time and just have one.

In the mean time, Ashley tells America that on this date “I got a little bit of my heart back and now I’m ready to give  it out.” SERIOUSLY Ashley? Seriously you knew Bentley for like 10 days. Are you really THAT heartbroken?

We move to the dinner and tongue kissing portion of the date. Ashley is laying on the beach bed blabbering on about how insecure she is when I notice that Constantine is wearing socks on the beach. C’mon dude. I mean really? What is wrong with these people. Other than the offensive white socks, I find Constantine less-offensive than I thought I would. Probably because he is boring and this date is like watching Brad Womack button his plaid shirt (actually, that may be more entertaining).

We cut back to the hotel to find Ben F., JP and Blake giggling like 12-year-olds at a slumber party wondering if Constantine and Ashley have kissed yet. This oddly endearing moment is ruined when they all realize they have open-mouth kissed the same girl. Which in turn is like open-mouth kissing each other. “Gross!” They all yell in unison and then jump into their sleeping bags to watch a scary movie.

The most boring date in the history of boring dates end with the spine-tingling SE moment.

Ashley: “I felt like you could get me back on my feet again and you DID!”
Constantine:  “I did?”
Ashley:  “You did!”
Constantine: (cheesy, awkward grin) “YES!” ( I also think there was an arm motion involved here.)

First off, this conversation is 100% real. Second, I am not joking when I say that I had secondary embarrassment goosebumps during this exchange. My body physically  reacted to this awfulness.

Constantine gets the rose and Ashley tells us for the 7344354358 time that she had a really great time. (Could have fooled me?)

We end with this classic line, “I guess hopeless Ashley is now hopeful again”  Symbol Crash Music. End Scene.

GROUP DATE: After a much-needed commercial break, we’re back and Ashley is still moaning about her heart aching from Bentley leaving. I know this is getting incessant because Drew chimes in with “If she says Bentley one more time I’m going to vomit.” (For the record, she said Bentley about 19343 more times and he did not vomit. What a liar.)

For this date, Ashley has tied up another t-shirt so she and her bare-midriff are all set to help the kiddos. The group date involves all the dudes and Ashley sprucing up a Thai orphanage. I’ll give it to the producers on this one. I thought there was no way to make this group of phonies do anything worth while but I am pleasantly surprised at all the great work these douches do to help out the kids.

The dudes mistakenly praise Ashley for arranging this awesome date (um, do you all not know you are being filmed and that someone is coordinating it? They are called producers and they control your life).

We learn two important facts on this date. 1. Everyone hates Ryan. 2. Ryan has no idea how to paint.

Something we already knew that continues to be discussed is how much Ashley loved Bentley. She is like a 16-year-old girl with a crush (or any aged girl). You know how they try to incorporate their loves name into every sentence? Bring them up for no reason? Ashley is doing all of this and it is annoying and desperate. I want to push her.

To distract her from her anxiety inducing thoughts of Bentley, she goes to hang out with Constantine who is painting a mural. She’s all like “I had so much fun on our date yesterday” when she realizes it’s Ben F.

Get to work now suckers.

Part one of the group date ends with some soccer and hugs and it’s on to part two. I’m still keeping my fingers crossed for a hot tub.

At the let’s get drunk and go swimming party, Ashley and Ben F. settle in for some one-on-one time. All you need to know about this is that they open-mouth kiss and in between saliva swaps, Ben F. says “Ruh roh.” And there goes my dinner.

I lose the rest of my meal when Ryan calls Ashley “freaking rad.” Thankfully, it was dark so he couldn’t accompany that phrase with any sun hand motions but I still get the SE goosebumps.

During his discussion with Ashley, the dudes, led by West, devise a plan to “get rid” of Ryan if he wins a rose. Okay, I made that part up. But they do talk about how much they hate him.

Finally, JP gets some screen time and he romantically takes Ashley down to the beach where they get down to business.

(Side note: JP  + Rain + Open Neck Button down – Ashley = Dreamy) 

I want to step through the TV, kick Ashley out-of-the-way and sit down under that umbrella. This day-dream is ended when I look up at the screen and see Ashley and JP rolling around in the sand open mouth kissing.

At this point, a little bit of my soul is dying as I watch them open mouth kissing (and not because I heart JP) . Seeing someone’s tongue enter another’s mouth is something I don’t want to see on network tv. I literally buried my head in my couch and waited until Drew told me it was over.

When they are done fornicating on the beach, JP carries Ashley (“Oh my god! I can’t believe you can carry me!”) back to the party.

The hottie and the nottie.

Here’s how the rest of the night goes down: Dudes get mad that JP carried Ashley. Ashley decides it’s rose time. Ryan decides its Ryan time. Lucas yells “GOOOBER!” at Ryan (best line of the season). Ryan and Ashley talk awkwardly under an umbrella. It’s for real rose time. Ben F. gets the rose. No hot tub. End Scene.

 
Famous Amos one-on-one.  

I wonder if William didn’t get any dates this episode because they know how umbrella-impaired he is and wanted to pair the audience the embarrassment of watching him attempt to operate one.

Before this date gets under way, we take a moment to freeze frame on Ames. He is an odd-bird. There’s the self-tanner and the uber white teeth. Then I wonder if he is wearing make-up (not just camera make-up but make-up make-up). And then I take a long look at his face. What is wrong with it? Is it the wonky eye or the fact that his lips don’t budge when he’s talking. I don’t know but things aren’t right.

On the boat ride, Ames let’s Ashley know that he has been everywhere, including Thailand, twice. He also has twice as many degrees as everyone in your family (all from the Ivy League), so get over it. He also tells Ashley that he is super spontaneous because “Last minute is the best minute.” And with every sentence, Ames is sounding more and more like a well-traveled Andy Bernard.

As the boat heads into the caves, I am reminded of Brad’s cave date with big-boobs Alli and wonder if she will abandon Ames on a deserted cave beach. I girl can dream.

All the while, Ames is telling Ashley that he’s been to a million countries.  How do I know this? Because he never misses an opportunity to talk about how much better he is than everyone. He’s smarter than you too in case you had forgotten already.

In case you needed another angle.

At the beach picnic, Ames and Ashley try to one-up each other talking about their exes. Ames talks about a girl he legitimately dated while Ashley talks about Brad Womack and loving Bentley.

When we break before the night portion of the date, Ashley comes on-screen to tell America (again, I know) how much she misses Bentley. I aggressively jump up and yell at the TV that he is gone. Like seriously gone. Gone like the N’Sync song (I’ve been listening to some N’Sync pandora lately. I blame it on this show and their motley crew of boy band under studies).

At dinner, Ashley talks about how different (aka weird) Ames is. It is at this point I decide that this is the most boring episode I’ve seen of this show. This date is like watching two people you never want to hang out with. As a friend and loyal reader texted me last night, “Ashley is so ordinary… I may as well watch my neighbor.”

At this point, I’m guessing her neighbor is more interesting. Anyways, they don’t kiss, Ames gets the rose and we’re done(all the while I am wishing I could push both of them in the face).

Rose Ceremony Time. 

Ashley talks more about Bentley and her dark place. Thankfully, it’s been a week which is like 6 months on this show and she’s gotten some meds, so she’s feeling much better.

Ashley shows up in a bedazzled burlap sack and is ready to get done to business.

She talks to West (dead wife) and Lucas (divorced wife) and I am very tempted to fast-forward to the “good part” aka the end of the show.

I am bored to tears. I never thought I would long to watch Brad “The Plaid” Womack and Michelle “Baby I Got Your” Money but sweet lord above, bring them back! This season is MIZZ.

The only mildly entertaining part of the rose ceremony is Ryan’s montage about the Seven Dwarfs. “Sorry I’m happy. Sorry I’m not Grumpy. Or Sleepy, Or Doc.” Since Ryan knows everyone hates him, he tries to make military reference hoping that this will make American love him. It doesn’t. I’m pretty sure Ryan himself is solar-powered and that’s where all his positive energy (aka douchebaggery) comes from.

Chris Harrison or “This Guuuuuuy!” (whoever said that is awesome and should for sure get a rose. my money is on nick) is in the house and it’s rose time. (Actually, it’s not but I fast forwarded through the Ashley/Chris sit-down).

Don't make me make you give me a rose.

There’s a twist. Ashley has decided to only eliminate one guy this week. Awkward (please imagine me saying this under my breath with every syllable stretched out).

Remember Famous Amos and the Twins already have roses. So the remaining buds go to:

  • Lucas the rich smelling mute
  • Ryan (blech)
  • JP (hubba hubba)
  • Nick (I think he may be my new favorite)
  • Mickey (where has he been the last 2 episodes)
  • Blake aka the aggressive dentist
  • William (double blech)
And the final rose goes to…. (this is the least suspenseful rose ceremony ever)
  • Ben C. aka Flashdance

West has to pack his bags and head home to the Star Magazine accusations back home. And the rest of us now have a week reprieve from this show.

The previews with Bentley’s return already have me annoyed for next week.

Thankfully, the credit scene with Nick makes up for that and I am perplexed as to why that wasn’t included in the actual show because it was awesome and not boring.

How are you all handling this season? I am struggling through it. Bachelor Pad and this blog (and my loyal readers. all 8 of you) are all that is keeping me going. How much better would Michelle have been as the Bachelorette?

Let me know what made you crawl under your couch (or bed or any other piece of furniture).

Until then… stay tuned!

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