Monthly Archives: June 2011

Oops The Countess Did it Again: Countess Luann de Lesseps “Chic C’est La Vie”

Thank you to the wonderful Lauren Hardage  for sending me this some piece of SE. Once again our favorite Real HouseCountess has decided that being rich and saying darling aren’t all there is in life so she is gracing us with another foray into the music world. Now, let me be real with you here. This is by no means legit music. Mostly this is a bored rich lady talking over a club beat. And just because it’s fun to be on camera, she recruited two of her fellow Housewives (Jill Zarin and Kelly Bensimmon-Killet) to seat dance with her in her music video.

As if “Money Can’t Buy You Class” wasn’t enough, LuAnn is now happy to present “Chic, C’est La Vie.” When you couple this music video with Mother Nature’s recent fury, I’m fairly certain that the end of days is near.

For your viewing displeasure…

I’m going to go ahead and say the best part  is when she references each Housewife individually. Ramona you bring the pinot, LuAnn will bring her diamonds.

I’ll be back soon with a review of my new favorite show (move over Ashley!) Love in the Wild.

Until then… stay tuned.


Filed under Real Housewives of New York

Love in the Wild aka Paradise Hotel with Adventures

I thought it was about time to dedicate myself to another reality TV train wreck  dating show, so when I saw the previews for  ‘Love in the Wild’ I knew that I had to give this one a go. I was not disappointed. Beyond that, I absolutely loved it. It  has everything that this season of The Bachelorette is lacking – mostly people who, while vapid and self-centered, are not as boring as folding clothes (sorry, that was insulting to clothes everywhere).

'Love in the Wild" Yes please.

‘Love in the Wild’ is essentially an exact copy of Paradise Hotel which if you read this blog regularly, you know will go down as my favorite reality show of all time. On Paradise Hotel people were forced to couple up and then each week someone would leave the show and they would bring someone new in. They were also forced to share a room which allowed for more hook-ups, back-stabbing and gratuitous ab shots.

Love in the Wild is very similar. So there are 10 dudes and 10 chicks – all relatively attractive (with some Monets mixed in) with the exception of a caveman and a girl who appears to be on the fast track to looking like this (I’m looking at you Vanessa. Slow down on the plastic surgery). They have to pair up and complete adventures (I like how they, rightly so,  classify open-mouthed kissing as an adventure). The winning couple is spared elimination while the remaining pairs can re-pick partners until there are an odd man and woman out. Between the adventure and the elimination, the contestants get liquored up, hang out at the pool and have to share a room. Love it. Also, the winning couple gets to go spend the night at a fantasy suite (for lack of a better term) complete with hot tub.

Basically it took the best parts of Paradise Hotel, The Amazing Race, Bachelor Pad and added a splash of The Bachelor/Bachelorette. Then they moved the show to Costa Rica. And to top it off, they also picked an awesome (so far) Australian host who makes fun of them and forces the contestants to hug. All it took was 5 minutes and I was hooked.

Because I wasn’t sure if I would be able to commit to Love in the Wild (’til death do us part is a long time, like 13 episodes), I didn’t watch this episode with my computer in tow to take notes (Yes, I am that nerdy. I’ve accepted it. So should you.). So here are some of my favorite highlights.

The preview montage pretty much had everything I was looking for in a reality show. This was a good example of a necessary and effective montage – Bachelorette producers, take note. Our hunky host Darren let’s us know that these 20 contestants are here on the “Greatest adventure of all. Love. And right then, we knew it was on.

So the couples are:

Dawn and Jared
Vanessa and Steele (who is a pro-golfer which instantly makes Drew love this show)
Erica and miles
Samantha and mike
Jessica and skip
Kym and Derek
Heather and ben
Brandy and Adam
Jason and Jessica
Teresa and Peter

For the first adventure, the contestants begin by constructing a raft and sailing down river. Each pair is given a map which with directions on where to head. This instantly begins the fight every couple has had for all eternity. Which way do we go?

Some couples are obviously better than others (and some people just want to talk about how their groin is sore. thanks miles for the TMI) with Samantha and Mike being exponentially better than Dawn and Jared which means  S&M (yup, I’m calling them that) won and SEVEN HOURS later Dawn and Jared finally finished. Host Darren was clearly annoyed that he had to stand out there and wait til nightfall for those losers to finish.

The winning duo head to their fantasy suite at a fancy hotel while the rest of the couples head back to a resort where they binge drink while hot tubbing (and we all know how dangerous that can be). The one take-away here is that we find out who is going to be coo coo for cocoa puffs and who just wants to hook-up as much as possible. Vanessa and Kym are looking to be our crazies while Steele and Derek are just trying to get it where they can. We also find out that not all the contestants have banging bodies (I won’t name names) and that everyone hates Ben.

While the other singles are having the time of their lives, Samantha and Mike sit Indian style on their hotel bed and practice getting to first base (So I’m guessing they won’t be using the hot tub). These two form an “instant connection” and I’m thinking that these two will probably be an established couple the entire season. As for the rest of the crew, they all play musical partners and switch it up.

I didn’t make note of all the new pairs but I do know that Vanessa kept her crazy claws in Steele so they are still a duo. At the end of the day, Dawn and Jared (aka slow and slower) had to pack their bags and head on home.

Darren "The Scruffy CH" McMullen

This recap was pretty piss poor but this was really just an experiment to decide whether this show was worth adding to the blog’s repertoire and I’ve officially decided it is. Unlike The Bachelorette, where I continuously bash my head against the wall out of her stupidity and boring-ness, Love in the Wild left me wanting more. It is full of SE, fake ta-ta’s (or bombs as my brother-in-law calls them), ab-tastic dudes with the potential for juicy hookups, backstabbing and lots and lots of crying. But if you want to read some of the dumb s**t people said on the show last night, check this out. 

Bring. It. On.

Next week, I promise to bring a play-by-play recap that will make you love  this show as much as I do.

Until then… stay tuned!


Filed under Love in the Wild

“I just want a friend.” Learning to Love on The Bachelorette Season 7 Episode 6 Recap Part II

Sorry for breaking this recap up but I had to take a break or as Ashley would call it a “dot dot dot.”

So as Brian Fellows would say “Let’s get GOING!” (Once again, I had to insert a clip of something funny that I love to make this recap worthwhile.)

Group Date: Dragon Boat Racing

Is it bad that I got excited for the group date because it meant that Ames would be there to amuse me with his awesome facial expressions? Well if it’s bad, I don’t want to be good.

Ashley is there in a tie-front top so, if there were any doubts, it’s now confirmed we’re on a group date. We find out that the dudes are going to do some dragon boat racing. As we all wonder aloud what that means, Ashley informs us like a seasoned local (or a clueless American reading cue cards). The dudes are broken up into pairs.

As if it’s an apology for the awfulness of these season, the producers pair up the twins aka Benstantine. I love it. Clearly they do too. Their bromance is real. Not sure if it is a self-love thing since essentially they are the same person. But whatever it is – I like it.

These guys. (ABC/Victor Fraile)

The other pairings are the rivals Blake and Ryan (Ryan’s all “Rivals? We’re not Rivals. I love Blake!”) and the brains Ames and Mickey. The twist is that each team needs to find 8 other people to help row their dragon boats. This means the crew of obnoxious Americans (minus Ames cause he probably speaks Mandarin) will be let loose on the market (again? really?) to annoy and pester the locals.

It’s such a Benstantine move to try to recruit chicks. Hey Guys – you’re here trying to score with this Ashley chick, there will be plenty of time to explore the local flavor when she kicks you off. In the mean time, you need to find some strong dudes to help you row.

Clearly this message is not lost on Ames and Mickey who are able to find every experienced dragon boat racer in Hong Kong in a matter of minutes.

Team Blyan depend on Ryan’s solar-powered positive personality to recruit their motley crew of rowers. Meanwhile, Benstantine get stoned and buy matching outfits (like we weren’t confused enough already).

Race time. Ashley is impressed with Team Maemes recruiting skills, she is less impressed with the twins outfits. I, on the other hand, must thank the producers for this small favor. Watching them parade down the beach in matching red robes with a posse of ready-to-row chicks in tow is pure genius. Can we make these two the next Bachelors. Maybe it can be Parent Trap-style (lots of LaLohan references lately).

As expected Team Mames and their team of ringers win and the look of confusion on Ames’ face when they cross the finish line makes me believe that he is still dealing with the after-effects of his concussion. Yup, his facial expression was awesome. Feel free to check it out here at the 3:08 mark. You’re welcome.

So the black teams wins and during their victory celebration, another couple gets engaged. You can see all the guys start sweating and awkwardly fidgeting. No worries boys, there’s a good chance you won’t be forced into a false engagement with Ashley. Before we break for the evening portion of the group date, Ashley gives us this brilliant comment. “Every time I spend time with them, I get to know them better.” Yeah Ashley, it’s weird how that works.

Ashley feels like tonight is gonna be a good night, well isn’t it always a good time when Ames wears TWO collared shirts at once. One is just not enough for a good time. To keep with the awkward Ames theme, the pair hop into an elevator and head to the 48th floor. When Ashley asks him if he’s been there before I am expecting him to say yes since he’s been everywhere else in the world. Instead, he grabs Ashley and sticks his tongue down her throat as they climb 48 floors high. The sloppy kissing noises were almost too much to bear. Just when I thought I liked you Ames you go and ruin it with some open mouth kissing.

After tongue kissing Ames, Ashley grabs the next preppiest guy, Ben and decides one awkward kissing encounter just isn’t enough. So after some Scooby snacks, Ashley and Ben get their spit swapping on. Woof. (Next time ABC I would much prefer the deleted scenes of them using their dog voices and that’s saying something.)

Aren't crop tops just the cutest?!? (ABC/Victor Fraile)

Next up is Ryan. While the guys sit around talking about how annoying Ryan is, he’s off helping an insecure girl feel good about herself. Who knew all you needed to do to get a rose was remind Ashley that you’re there for her (Really? I can’t believe you’re all here for Me! That is so exciting!) So Prince Charming does his thing and soon Princess Fiona is scooting off to snag the rose for him. This really pisses the other guys off and despite their threats, they do not pack up and leave that very moment. (I know, bummer.)

As Ashley blabbers on, telling us how she FINALLY realizes the guys are there for her, Drew and I discuss a very important topic. If we’re seeing Ashley say the same thing over and over again imagine how many times she must have said it before editing. Yikes. I feel like sending the editor a cookie cake right now.

The group date ends and it’s finally on to the good stuff…

Jordan Paul’s One-on-One.

Sporting her standard loose blouse, Ashley is ready to ruin all of JP’s precious camera time with her insecurity and hair touching. When she mentions Bentley on this date, I want to drop kick her. You are on a date with the best thing to happen to this season. Do not ruin it with talk of that loser.

At this point I’m considering turning off the sound so I can just watch JP without having to hear Ashley’s whining. Ashley notices that she and JP have one major difference. “You’re so confident” she says. Um yeah, he’s a smoking hottie without daddy issues. Why wouldn’t he be confident?

I think ABC should call this season a wash and just create a new fall rom-com reality show, Odd Couple-style, with JP and Ames. They both live in New York right? Think about how awesome that show would be. One’s in construction, one’s in finance. One is messy, one is not. One is a smoking hottie and one is the reincarnation of the Hunchback of Notre Dame. If this is the next ABC hit show don’t say I didn’t call it first.

So after some mindless chatter, Ashley officially ruins the date by coming clean about Bentley. Jordan Paul doesn’t take the bait and is lovely and understanding which totally pisses me off. I thought this would make him hate her and then cement him as the next Bachelor. (I knew it wouldn’t happen but a girl can dream.)

Ashley’s monologue about falling for Bentley make me hate her even more. She definitely doesn’t deserve sweet, sweet JP. On an entirely separate note, why don’t JP and Ashley ever have a full day/night date? I feel jipped.

JP forgives Ashley despite her unworthiness of his forgiveness. Since Ashley’s a smitten kitten (can’t blame her) she gives him the rose (duh) and he oddly wears it on his shirt the rest of the date. So JP spends the train ride part of the date looking like he’s heading to homecoming. The date ends with Ashley fishing for compliments and a dash of tongue kissing. (Yeah I still hate it, even when it’s JP.)

Rose Ceremony aka The Men Revolt aka Ashley Let’s the Girls Out!

Ashley is all dolled up and ready to appear in the Miss Teen USA pageantto get her cocktail on. Ashley’s anxiety and insecurity about her boobs have been haunting her since the roast date (similar to the experience with Bentley) so she decides to show them what’s up and let the girls out.

A Wooo Ga. A Woooo Ga.

Obviously they “captivate” the brahs who all start drooling and making honking noises. This is obviously all before she breaks the Bentley news to them.

Ashley rounds up her cowboys and sits them around the campfire for a little tale. Unfortunately for Ashley, the guys don’t take to this tale like our saint JP did. They are pissed and they let our girl know.I wish one of them would pick her up (“OMG! I can’t believe you can carry ME!”) and throw her in the ocean.

Well at least one of them does, nah I wish. Although Mickey is the only one with some cojones (Blake breaks like a pencil under the pressure of Ashley’s cleavage). Mickey tells her to send him home and she’s like you can leave if you want so he’s like “sayonara sucker” and he’s out.

After everyone gets a chance to call out Ashley, she cries and runs into the judging arms of Chris Harrison. CH is all “what did you expect?” and Ashley gets her ugly cry on (Bentley did call it on that one). Her crying is HORRIBLE. She’s a hiccup crier which I think is the worst kind of on-screen crier. CH once again tells her to pull it together and it’s rose time.

Ashley makes her rose decision while we listen to the sweet sounds of the music they play when you get a massage. The difference is that normally I love this music because it means someone is rubbing away my stress, aches and pains. Tonight the music is only emphasizing the desperation and insecurity that is Ashley Hebert.

Ashley’s Boobs Give Roses To:
(Lucas, JP and Ryan already have roses)

  • Ben F.
  • Constantine


  • Ames

I’m pretty happy about this because it means we get at least one more week of Ames’ amazing facial expressions. Blake must pack up his dental gear (and his collection of pin stripe suits) and leave. Before heading out for good, he let’s us know that he “just wants a friend.” Well Blake, I’m sure you’ll find plenty of “friends” on Bachelor Pad.

Next week: The Hidden Jewel of Asia… Taiwan!

I’m happy we all survived another week of this trash. Tomorrow night I’ll be checking out the premier of Love in the Wild and I’ll be back on Thursday to recap it! What did you all think was the worst moment of this week’s episode?

Until then… stay tuned!


Filed under The Bachelorette

Shut up! – The Bachelorette Season 7 Episode 6 Recap Part I

After watching last night’s episode, it is taking everything I have to write this blog post. We all know The Bachelorette is big on hyperbole. I do not think it is at all an exaggeration when I say that last night was the worst episode in the history of this franchise.

If you did not attempt to pull out your hair, assault your television or curse angrily towards the screen – then I’m not sure you are a living, breathing human. I’m guessing you are a sun-powered robot produced at the same factory as Ryan. As much as it pains me to do this, let’s recap this b**ch.

Obligatory Bentley-drama montage. I’ve recapped this montage I think 5 times now. I cannot bear to do it again. Although, if I didn’t mention that ridiculously cheesy shot of Ashley frozen on the streets on Hong Kong with the crowd moving in fast-forward behind her, I wouldn’t be doing my part in making fun of this show. Seriously, what the f was that? I’m thinking that the producers were so mind-numbingly bored while editing that they just threw this in there to give them something to do.

All the introspective Ashley shots involve her saying the words “dot dot dot” as many times as possible as I repeatedly bang my head against the wall, mumbling incoherently, praying for the punctuation discussions to end. Little did I know, I would never escape the “dot dot dot.” In a moment of sheer brilliance, Ashley explains to the viewing audience that a “dot dot dot” usually means “to be continued.” This is just in case you skipped 6th grade language arts and weren’t sure what ellipses meant.

Thankfully that ends and we’re at the hotel in Hong Kong when Chris Harrison stops by to see Ashley. He tries to hide his annoyance and hatred (At this point, I think Chris may hate Ashley more than all of us, which is seriously saying something) of Ashley while letting her know  that the King of the Douches is here. IN. THIS. HOTEL.

“SHUT UP!!!” Ashley says like a valley girl who just found out her best friend made out with her boy-friend at the prom after party. Or Like Regina George in this, one of my most favorite movie scenes of all time (yes, this season is so bad I have to add awesome movie clips to make writing a post bearable), except that Regina George is not retarded (her words not mine) like Ashley.

She yells this repeatedly and Chris is like “Chill the F out and stop telling me to shut up. I run this show.” He basically breaks it down that they flew el Jerko from Salt Lake all the way to Hong Kong so she can finally get over him and hopefully (fingers crossed!) stop mentioning in every one-on-one interview.

CH scribba scrabbas the number on a napkin and tells Ashley to handle her shit or he will. Then he is gone, like a thief in the night. Rather than playing some blatantly racist Chinese music, ABC leaves us with some artistic white noise so we can clear our heads before heading to commercial.

During this commercial break, Drew’s nice guy facade crumbles and he admits out loud that he “really doesn’t like Ashley” and that it was a horrible decision to pick her. Now it is official. Even nice people hate her and wish she wasn’t the Bachelorette. I am guessing if Michelle Money had been our girl, we would be LOVING this season.

So we’re back and Ashley heads down to Bentley’s room and then waits an eternity to knock. What the F are you waiting for? Just knock already! So Bentley and Ashley makes knock knock jokes for a minute and I consider leaping head first off my couch (i figure I’ll survive, just maybe be a little concussed like Ames).

Bentley opens the door and I immediately regret my decision to eat dinner while watching this episode. Literally, my body begins to physically reject me for watching this show. It is horrible.

This whole conversation is the epitome of Secondary Embarrassment. It’s like watching two 16-year-olds break-up. Except I imagine most 16 year-olds have a better grasp on reality than these two.

They talk in circles for about 5 minutes, mentioning every form of punctuation possible. Ashley says “dot dot dot” for the 39453509483583049583 time and Bentley decides they need to change that to a period. At this point, I yell “ENOUGH!” at my television and run out of the room to fight the urge to get physically ill.

No, I'm not on my period.

No but really, I sit and bear this awful conversation long enough to them to settle on putting a period on their relationship. With this I cover my eyes and pray for it to end. Thankfully it does, but not before Ashley acts Bentley why he came there instead of just calling. SERIOUSLY ASHLEY? How dumb are you? The free loader wanted to a free trip to Hong Kong. The frequent flier miles alone had to make it worth while.

Instead of saving any remaining shards of dignity, Ashley sits in awkward silence for a full minute before taking her loose blouse and stripper shoes back to her room.

We end knowing that Ashley got played. Hard. And despite telling America that she’s done with Bentley we all know that she’s not since she mentions him another 235983404953095 times this episode.

Date Time – Big Tex and Ashley in Downtown Hong Kong
Ames grabs the date card and despite his multiple Ivy league degrees, he still reads aloud like a 3rd grader with a stammer. He finally spits out that Lucas will be getting to spend some QT with Ashley.

Ryan is pissed (which is hard to tell when he is still smiling scarily) that Big Tex stole his one-on-one date but then he sees the sun and is over it.

It’s date time and Ashley has, once again, found a loose blouse, some tight pants and stripper shoes to wear to wander, once again, a market. Markets cannot be the only tourist attraction in Asia. Can’t they do ANYTHING ELSE? Does Hong Kong not have any helicopters? I know they have sky scrapers to rappel off of. The lack of originality makes me think the producers have thrown in the towel on this season too.

Ashley asks Big Tex if it feels like they’re in New York. Um, nope Ashley. There are about a million Chinese people around me and everything is written in an entirely different alphabet. So no. She follows up that gem of a question with the captain obvious comment, “Look at the street market, people are selling things.” Yup Ashley, that’s usually what happens at a street market.

Boring Boring Boring. Then it’s on to dinner but not before Ashley tells us she hasn’t thought about Bentley at all. Really? Then why are you still talking about him? Ugh.

Lucas tells Ashley she’s not the kind of girl he would normally date (score one for honesty) and that the hardest thing he’s been through is the Big D and he don’t mean Dallas.

Back at the ranch, the dudes fight about who will get the one-on-one date and Ames steps up to wear the required plaid shirt. I think that if someone isn’t wearing plaid at all times on this show that the Earth will tilt off its axis or something that could lead to a nuclear winter.

Date card comes and Ben F. grabs it and reads like an adult that Ryan, Mickey, he and his twin, Ames and Blake will be going on the group date where they will get their hearts racing. Blake is pissed that JP gets the one-on-one because his hotness is “definitely a front-runner.” Well yeah, have you seen the guy?

Back on the pirate ship, Ashley gives a lame attempt at suspense but hands the rose over while confirming her insecurity by thanking him for accepting it. The date ends with some open-mouth kissing, some dancing to the music of their hearts, some more slobbery, wet, horribly embarrassing kisses and more hyperbole – “This was the most romantic night of my life.”

End Scene.

I’m going to take a break here but I’ll be back later with more on the twins racing debut, Ashley’s love of crop tops  and sweet, sweet JP.

Until then…stay tuned!


Filed under The Bachelorette

Update: What we’re watching next! The Challenge: Rivals, Big Brother & Love in the Wild

Happy Monday friends. We all know the only happy  thing about Mondays are the 8 pm start time of The Bachelorette (okay. that may be debatable). But since we are all a little disappointed with our girl Ashley and the constant blabbering about Bentley, I thought I should go ahead and dedicate myself to another show.

No worries (not that many of you would be that worried), but I will still be faithfully covering The Bachelorette but I am going to attempt to add a couple new shows to Secondary Embarrassment. Lord knows there is plenty of material out there – it simply came down to choosing.

Based on feedback – I am going to try these three shows: MTV’s The Challenge Rivals, CBS’s Big Brother and NBC’s Love in the Wild.

Wait this show is still on?

It’s been a LONG time since I’ve watched the Challenge but it was one of my most favorite shows before I made the switch to HD and lost track of MTV. Now that MTV is in HD, I’m going to try to get back to my 20-year-old TV viewing roots and get back into The Challenge. Hopefully there will still be some familiar faces in the cast of characters. I’m guessing yes since those people (like our friends on The Bachelor/Bachelorette) make a career out of that crap. I’ve DVR’ed the first episode so I can catch up in anticipation of the next episode. (Update: Judging from the 2 minutes I spent looking for pictures online, I can confirm that I recognize about 80% of the contestants. I guess it hasn’t been THAT long since I watched the Real World regularly. That or these people really need to get lives.)

I’ve never been a Big Brother fan but multiple readers have said I need to check it out. So that’s what we’re gonna do. I’m hoping to drag Drew into this one although since this one is on multiple nights a week,  I’m not sure if I’ll be able to. We’ll see when it starts on July 7th.

Last but not least, I’m committing to seeing what this Love in the Wild is all about. I am guessing it will be a mix of  The Bachelor/Bachelorette rain forest/rappelling/jungle dates and Bachelor Pad/Paradise Hotel. We’ll see on June 29th when it kicks off. Here’s a preview of what we’re in store for. Love in the Wild – Preview: Welcome to the Jungle – Video –

I just noticed that by committing to these shows, I have all the major networks covered with the exception of FOX. This is me officially putting them on notice to bring back Paradise Hotel and/or Temptation Island. I’m watching you Rupert Murdoch.

I hope you all are prepared for tonight’s Most Vomit-Inducing Episode Ever of The Bachelorette (how’s that hyperbole Chris Harrison!).

Until then… stay tuned.


Filed under Big Brother, Love in the Wild, The Challenge: Rivals

What are we watching next? Spreading the SE Beyond The Bachelorette

Happy Friday friends.

So I’ve been thinking. I think we’ve all agreed that this season of The Bachelorette isn’t stellar. It’s not even really that great. It’s kind of meh. This doesn’t mean I am going to stop watching (and recapping), it just means I’m less than enthused about Ashley H.’s search for love.

I need some secondary embarrassment excitement in my life. I’m planning on dedicating some time over the weekend to catch up on the latest season of Toddlers & Tiaras after which I will faithfully blog about the experience. But I need something new to commit to and I want you all to be on board with it.

What I’m asking is, what other show do I NEED to be watching (with my laptop, taking notes as it happens) without the use of my trusty DVR. What would you like to read about the next day? Housewives (of the New Jersey variety), Big Brother, any new summer show (of the dating and/or talent variety), something else on Bravo.

Is there some undiscovered treasure trove of SE that I have no idea about? Please share the love.

If I get zero comments on this post, I’ll know that the love was not shared. And then I’ll be personally embarrassed which will require another blog post. It’s a vicious circle.

Photo: Bravo TV









Help a friend out.

Until then… stay tuned.


Filed under Sports Embarrassment

Adventures in Insecurity – The Bachelorette Season 7 Episode 5 Recap Part II

And we’re back. Sorry to split this episode up but I had to take care of some business. Now I’m back to the important stuff. Like which desperate wannabe Ashley will send packing.

Rolling on a River.

Two-on-one time people. Are you ready? Two men will enter. It’s up to our girl Ash to decide how many will leave (well at least one but that’s no guarantee). Ashley has a soft spot in her heart for the two-on-one as she survived this disaster of a dating scheme last season. And by survived, I mean sent her bestie home crying. I’m looking at you Ashley S. 

For this date ABC combined two classic fan favorites – the elephant/jungle date and the two-on-one. Classic. Who doesn’t love the jungle date? Isn’t it where Brad and Emily cemented (actually like rubber cemented) their love last season. Elephant riding = reality romance. (After I wrote that, I realized how dirty it sounds. Totally unintentional so I am leaving it.)

So this date is a show down between the Muppet Lookalike (Ben C.) and the Muppet Act-alike (William. I just made that work up. You like it). Does anyone else think that William has put on a few lbs. over the course of filming. Is he this season’s kool-aid man  Chantal?

So William is up front pouting and rowing while Ashley and Ben C. spend some quality time on the back of the raft. During this time, William is scheming about things he can do to make himself appear cooler (not many options there) and/or ruin Ben’s chances of getting the rose. You can almost see the Grinch-like smile spread across his face when he devises his dating website plan.

This plan comes from the same cell-phone salesman that is Mystery Man #1 on Bachelor Pad. Yup, you read that right. William will be joining the cast and bringing his tourettets-style mix of self-love and self-hate to the BP. Better start preparing yourself now.

While the two guys row, Ashley talks about how cool this is while also wondering aloud how the two guys are strong enough to row her down the river.

The ride ends and it’s awkward picnic time. Ben C. decides to leave William and Ashley alone to take a quick nap. Little does he know that will be the last nap he ever takes… on The Bachelorette.


William does one of the most annoying things I think any human can ever do. The ‘ole “I don’t want to throw [Insert Name] under the bus but [proceed to throw them immediately under the bus].” This technique also works with the phrase “No offense but…” Whatever you’re going to say after but is most certainly going to be offensive.

With the bus fast approaching, William throws Ben underneath and tells Ashley that our boy Benny is telling all the dudes how hyped up he is to troll the internet dating sites when he gets home. Um, really? Like seriously? First off, I am no big fan of Ben C’s looks (I only have eyes for JP) but come on – this guy can for sure get action by just showing up at a bar and saying he was on The Bachelorette. Wouldn’t that be a more effective use of his time rather than sitting alone at his computer weeding out the ugly’s and stalkers on

Because this show has turned this otherwise intelligent and confident girl (I’m giving her the benefit of the doubt here) into a bumbling ball of insecurity and anxiety she takes the bait. Hook Line Sinker.

Ashley is having none of it (in between her anxiety induced panic attacks and stomach pains).  She’s all like “Aw hell no” and stomps over to that blanket. She’s giving Ben the business and he just looks half asleep/half surprised. Ben is clearly caught off guard but doesn’t really seem all that disappointed. Maybe mildly bummed at best. I think he was just sad that he wasn’t going to get to travel the far east (we’re not supposed to call it that anymore are we?) anymore.

William is standing in the background quietly gloating about his evil plan – thinking that this leaves him in the clear. Little goes he know that roses can be set on fire.

Ben sails off into the jungle. He goes quietly and with dignity (sounds like the copy for a hospice ad). I’m sure he’ll be back home, macking on Bachelorette groupies in no time (take that William!).

William has no idea that giving your massively insecure date a panic attack is not the way to her heart and thinks he’s in the clear. I really dislike William and his skeezy, cocky attitude. While the two of them traipse through the jungle on their elephants, I wonder out loud what a girl has to do to get Ames on this date. (yeah, it’s come to that)

We move on to the dinner portion of the date. Ashley has borrowed a dress from a Thai prostitute which was hand sewn out of the hide of a drag-queen tiger. I mean really. This dress is horrible. Almost as horrible as William.

I am getting really tired of Williams tired doofy nice guy routine. Thankfully, it appears Ashley is as well. For once Ashley doesn’t look excited at all to be on a date. It looks like she may be asleep, I point this out to Drew and find that he has actually fallen asleep. Yup, that’s what happens when you don’t invite Ames on every date.

When does Bachelor Pad start filming?

I’ve officially decided that I dislike William more than Bentley (I didn’t think it was possible) when Ashley sends he’s 30-year-old kid ass home. She burns that rose like nobody’s business and decides to call it a night.

In a moment of classic SE, William doesn’t take his marching orders happily and cries his way into the sunset. This Columbus-bred cell-phone slanger is a self-proclaimed loser and jackass (who can disagree). It appears that our boy has a bit of a split personality. One minute he is telling the world that he hung the moon, the next moment he is telling us all that he is a giant piece of s**t (I’m agreeing with the latter). I’m hoping there is someone on the Bachelor Pad who is making sure William is taking his meds and staying in his happy place.

Ashley ruins her moment of guts and glory by sinking back into her pit of self-loathing and insecurity and we finally escape from this heart of darkness.

Rose ceremony.

Well at least Ashley has one thing going for her, she finally found a cute dress (see I said dress not long blouse). To continue our pattern of tumultuous rose ceremonies, the producers stage  Mother Nature makes it rain.

A few well-timed thunder claps let us know how serious she when she asks the guys to be true to themselves (i.e.- tell her they’re not digging on her so she can send their sorry asses home).

Since Ryan knows just what a desperate, insecure girl needs to hear, he grabs her and makes sure she knows how he’s “totally into her.” Totally.

Constantine pulls Ashley aside to let her know that his shirt matches his eye shadow and to remind her that he’s not Ben F. I like Constantine. It is nice to know that at least one person on this show isn’t a robot. He may be boring but at least he isn’t a giant phony. It’s official, I am a fan of this Geico Caveman/Jason Schwartman/Josh Groban/Ben F. lookalike.

Side Note: Do you think Constantine and Ben F. look at each other and wonder how the ABC producers found their Doppelgangers?

It’s at this point that I want to fast forward through all of Ashley’s insecurity. I wish a little warning ticker would come across the bottom of the screen (like during thunderstorms) and let us know when she’s about to spout off about how no one likes her.

On to JP TIME aka SEXY TIME. I heart him. You know she just wans to jump his bones (can you blame her?). Ashley acts all  goofy and weird around JP though. Look Bia, if you are thinking about Bentley while looking into JP’s dreamy eyes, you have some serious problems.  If you say Bentley one more time and ruin an on-screen moment with JP, I am going to come smack you all the way back to Salt Lake City.

Ashley sits down with CH to break it down and by break it down, I mean can’t keep crazy under control. She’s been anxious thinking of Bentley non stop. It’s gotten so bad that she doesn’t even want to tell CH about it. She knows he is judging her along with the rest of the world. I wish CH would lean across the coffee table and knock her backwards in her chair. Maybe then she would realize what an idiot she is.

Chris Harrison stands up for the dudes and is like bitch, get your shit together. CH is PISSED. You can tell he is so annoyed with her. Thankfully CH is playing the role of the American Viewing Public. Way to represent . He is like “how the hell do we end this? How do we get you to stop acting crazy?” More importantly how do we get you both to never say “dot dot dot” again?

Chris tells Crazy No Pants to get her s**t straight, there is a rose ceremony to attend to.

Get it together.

Behind Chris Harrison’s back Ashley blabbers on about Bentley. At this point Drew even says “I hope I never hear her say Bentley’s name again.” We all know that is not going to happen but I appreciate the sentiment. That’s why I married him – he knows when chicks are acting all whack and crazy (and mostly because he’ll watch trashy reality tv with me. If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a million times – it’s the little things in life).

Rose Time: 

Blake and Ben F. already have stems. One dude is packing up. Who will it be? Cue the sad “Thai” music (is there a pandora station for that?)

Side Note: Does Ames know where he is right now? More importantly, does Wall Street know where Ames is right now and what this dentist is doing to him? Who is keeping our economy afloat while Ames is looking for love? Who is babysitting the stock market? Is this why are economy is going down the tank? Get this man back on WALL STREET! Stat!

  • Constantine
  • Lucas
  • JP
  • Ames (“I have no clue who I am or wear I am. But yes, I will accept the flower from the pretty midget.”)
  • Mickey

Last rose time. Who will it be? I’m hoping Nick but I know that won’t happen.

  • Ryan harnesses the power of the Sun and snags the last rose.

Unfortunately for me Nick is sent packing. I wish he would be making an appearance on Bachelor Pad but apparently it’s not in the cards for him.

Nick says goodbye to love but hello to mindless hook ups and $2500 per appearance fees.

Now on to a subject I wish we were not discussing. The return of Bentley. They’ve been dragging this crap out since he left (2 episodes ago!!!!). I am 100% officially pissed at ABC. STOP IT!!!!!!  I thought he was gonna be back this episode, you jerks are making this drag out a whole other episode. I am pissed. You’ve done it this time producers. If I have to look at this turds ugly mug after next weeks episode, I am going to …. well, I’m not going to do anything but rant about how mad I am at you on my blog. So there.

The only saving grace is that is looks like the remainder of the guys stage a revolt and make Ashley feel like poo. Serves her (and the show) right. These previews just gave me hope for some sort of entertainment next week (and at least Ames will be there).

So save that Pepto. You’ll be needing it next week now.

Until next time… stay tuned.


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