The moment we’ve all been waiting for… The Bachelor Season 17 Episode 6 Recap

Hey amigos! I can call you my amigos right? We’re all friends here right?

So I’ve had a few questions (not more than a few – seriously, only like 3 people) about why I’m so slow to post lately. Well, it’s just been hard for me to throw myself into the long rants when the amount of Tierra hatred (or Tiatred if you will) has been too high to stand. But Monday night was a bittersweet symphony. Tierra went out (the sweet part) in a blazing ball of glory (the bitter). Ole girl was not going to go down without a fight (and at least a tube of mascara running down her face).

I feel like I’m doing you all a disservice, this blog has no longer become a place to hear witty banter about the witless gals on The Bachelor but instead has become my personal burn book with only one singular entry: Tierra.

http://beta.abc.go.com/shows/the-bachelor/photos/episode-1707/media/episode-seven-1

WHY ARE ALL THE PICTURES FROM THIS EPISODE OF TIERRA’S DATE!!!!

{p.s. – there should totally be a site where you can create your own Mean Girls burn book images. kind of like Condescending Wonka, only better}

But today I’m moving on, pushing forward and fully embracing the secondary embarrassment than secondary characters on this season have been spewing – I’m looking at you AshLee. I’m going to give my stream of conscious thoughts on this week’s episode since I didn’t take notes (my badsies). Love it or leave it…

Sean is sick of the cold weather (and the serious lack of bathing suit exposure this season) so he’s all “pack your bags bias, we’re going to St. Croix.” Never one to miss an opportunity to wear Toms hang with the girls, Sean hops aboard their sea plane (yeah he did) to St. Croix. The girls love love love spending time with Sean so it’s a bonus all around.

But once they land, Sean ditches the girl right quick and heads off to whatever mansion they’ve rented him for the week. The gals on the other hand, do a mad dash to their suite to pick their rooms “Real World” style. Tierra, who is generally the worst person ever, ain’t sharing nothing with nobody so she’s settles for a cot in the hallway over sharing a bed with AshLee (and she’s not even the one who sleeps naked). Here begins the battle of the bias.

No shocker than Tierra picks the cot – I’m already pounding my head against my coffee table in frustration for allowing the girls to let her get away with this con. Clearly she’s going to use this against them later when she’s pushing her massive knockers up against Sean. (+1 point Tierra)

Tierra’s pity party is put on hold with the arrival of the date card. First up – AshLee

Date #1 AshLee

AshLee, I want to like you but your constant crying and need for reassurance PLUS the way you spell you name (really, I have to capitalize mid-name?) have me going back and forth.

Clearly digs her though and hooks her up with a bomb-ass date. These two chiseled bodies will be spending time yachting through the Caribbean Sea. Before moving on, we have to discuss an quality move by producers/editing. So the kiddos arrive at the beach where Sean let’s Ash know that they’ll be cruising in style but before they can get started they have to swim out to the boat. These cues them to remove their cover-ups for a swimsuit reveal. The camera expertly never moves away from Ash’s ass and in a move of pure genuineness the producer cue up Sean’s voice over about how she’s just a “quality girl.” Yeah she is Sean. Yeah. She. Is.

I’m not hating though cause AshLee’s body is on point. She’s definitely been avoiding the cheetos and doritos (the same can’t be said for her nemesis. +1 point AshLee).

Other than the change in setting, the date goes pretty much the same way all of AshLee’s dates have gone. They hang out and it doesn’t seem weird until you hear her talk. Oh AshLee, someone needs to tell you to slow your roll before you embarrass yourself (too late).

After some heavy petting in the sand (UGH – this is my nightmare date. All of that sticky, salty sand stuck to you. WOOOOOF. I’m getting the uncomfortable goose bumps just thinking about it) and lots of LOUD tongue kissing, they sneak in a little convo. Sean, who is quite the gossip, wants to know what Ash thinks of living with the gals, namely Tierra. Oh no, he just opened the door. I want AshLee to run right through and let Sean know what an evil Sea Monster Tierra is but in the same moment, I want to bar the door and tell her to keep her mouth shut. Tierra has shown she has a gift for twisting words and playing the ultimate victim. Do not give her this opportunity.

AshLee can’t help herself (+1 Tierra) and tells Sean that Tierra is the worst thing to happen to the girls since production dropped off that box of Double-Stuffed Oreos. He listens intently, preparing how he’ll console Tierra when she inevitably brings this up later in the episode.

But enough of that, it’s dinner time. AshLee’s nervous about dinner because she is going to reveal a big secret to Sean. My money was on a kid but instead we find out that ole Ash was a wild child and got hitched at 17. Get it girl. Married junior year, divorced senior year. She’s tied up in knots (ewww, not that way!) about it and is worried sick that Sean will want to kick her divorced ass to the curb. But Sean saves his judgement for another time and tells Ash that her past life doesn’t define her (that and the fact that it was literally 15 years ago for her).

Sean’s total embrace of her daddy issues and insecurity have AshLee filled to the brim with love which can only mean that I am filled to the brim with SE. You know what happens next – the dreaded “I Love You.”

This is my fifth season of Bachelor recaps so you’d think I’d be prepared for the over zealous “I Love You” but every time feels like the first time. Not only does AshLee let loose with her feelings but she literally screams them for the world to hear. (Not sure if this a + 1 for AshLee or for Tierra. Only time will tell.)

I knew this one was coming and listened to her proclamation from underneath a giant pillow fort. Once I heard the all clear, I settled back in for the rest of the madness.

Group Loving – Catherine, Desi and Lindsay

For his group date, Sean wakes the ladies bright and early for a sunrise to sunset day of fun. And for Sean, that day of fun begins by seeing the gals with no makeup on. I find this move both annoying and awesome. As a girl who looks like Oscar the Grouch when I wake up (I don’t mean temperament, I mean that I literally look like I climbed out of a trash can), I sympathize with this jerk move. As a commentator on a reality show, I LOVE IT!

While Desi and Lindsay make a mad dash for the mascara (and Lindsay make a dash for her unders), Catherine looks just as fab as she normally does. She tousled head of hair looks perfect and she’s camera ready by simply wiping away the eye crusties. Damn you!

I want to hate this about her but her mix of nerdy and nice is appealing and she’s easily become my favorite (since I had to say so long to Selma and Daniella).

The premise of this date is wandering around the island from sun up to sun down. Basically this means Desi is hogging shot gun, Catherine’s being cute and Lindsay’s wondering where she put her wedding dress (I NEED ATTENTION!!!)

They visit a few tourist spots for chats with Sean before making it around the island. There they shed their skin tight shorts and frolick in the sand with Sean. Ahh, life is good.

Each gal gets their one-on-one time where they share heartfelt secrets in an attempt to get Sean to their hometowns. Catherine wins for the most sincere with her reveal about her dad but this moment is overshadowed by Lindsay’s open-mouthed kissing. This move wins her the rose.

I’m guessing all three of these gals snag roses because other than Desi, who Sean seems taken with, they don’t suck.

Speaking of sucking, it’s time for Tierra’s one-on-one.

Whoops, I just realized I got the order wrong on this, but I’m sticking with it since I like the flow.

Date # 3 Tierrable

Want to know why I think Tierra is the worst? When her date card arrives, instead of being giddy with excitement and planning what to wear, she whines and complains about how her date is crappy. She just loves boats and the water so much so she thought Sean would hook her up with a yacht date. Instead, she’s going to get sweaty (isn’t she always sweaty) and her hair will get messy and her make-up will run. WAH.

And if I didn’t despise you already, there it is.

This date is every horrible thing you think it would be. Tierra’s shorts are too short, her heels are too high and her “gifts” from Sean are too tacky. I’ll give them a pass on the shell necklace since it has a sort of island appeal but that was the ugliest f-ing bracelet I’ve ever seen. (woo woo Mean Girls reference +1 me!).

Her dancing is woofy, her giggle is blood curdling and I’m thinking about officially breaking up with Chris Harrison for making me live through this. (Why, CH? Why?)

 

Just take it, it’s free. Image: ABC.com

Sean grins and bears it through the date but I’m hoping that on the inside, he’s beginning to get the willies from that eyebrow.

They make it to dinner (Tierra’s favorite part!) where she tells him that she feels like things are off. He reassures her and honestly, I can’t even remember what happens next. I’m guessing loud kissing, lots of distorted eye brow raises and over confident banter.

Date #4 Lesley

Let’s all be real. Poor Lesley got the shaft on her date. It’s the standard picnic date which isn’t a good set-up for Lesley because we all have seen how nervous and awkward she gets around Sean.

The school girl within Lesley cannot be controlled and you can see her freeze up in his presence. I find Lesley adorable and this move has gotten her pretty far but it’s time to man up (and by man up, I mean throw on a bikini and get to tongue kissing).

Lesley tells us she’s going to open up to Sean but instead she’s paralyzed by nerves and ends up a bumbling awkward mess. Bless her heart.

I’d go on about this date but we all know we want to get to the good stuff…

The Rumble in the Trundle

Throughout the episode, we’ve had to endure unflattering camera angles of Tierra as she sits inside like the giant sad sack she is while the rest of the girls talk shit about her outside (while tanning their hot bods). Tierra is tired of all the shit talking so her and AshLee sit down for a little girl talk.

What starts out as some mildly confrontational back and forth, turns into an all out showdown between Tierra’s eyebrown and AshLee. Ash lets Tierra know that her tierrable attitude and out of control eye brow raising has gone on too long. She basically lays out everything America has been yelling at their TV’s since day one. She even goes as far as saying that Tierra’s parents even told her that she doesn’t play well with others.

Tierra eating. Obvi. Image: ABC.com

Tierra’s argument: AshLee is old, desperate and well that’s it.

AshLee’s argument: Tierra is a horrible, dismissive, rude, unfriendly, overweight (no, wait that’s my argument), troll monster (whoops, that’s me again), selfish, manipulative, not nice person.

Well Tierra don’t like that one bit. (No, I didn’t say bite Tierra – calm down.) She gets all sassy and decides that her and her Target cover-up (circa 2007) don’t have to take this nonsense any more. I’m thinking she’ll just retreat to her cot with a box of Cheese-Its but instead she comes back for round two.

My favorite moment of manipulation is when AshLee is telling Catherine and Lesley that Tierra said they all talk shit about her behind her back. Catherine and Lesley deny it (obviously) but then Tierra storm in like it’s free blizzard day at Dairy Queen, yelling that she never said that. Um, can someone cue up the playback?

And here begins the meltdown, lots of yelling about “her sparkle” (was she a theta?) and how it can’t be stolen or contained. What cannot be contained are the tears and her waterproof mascara throws in the towel again.

But Tierra’s tear have some sort of super power and within moments Sean is knocking on her door, there to console her and/or try to drag her to to the beach to meet his sister (sorry, we’re skipping that part).

This time the act fails (Thank you SHAY!) and Sean takes five before coming back to lay down the law.

Tierra, on the other hand, believes her evil plan has worked again and is furiously wiping away the mascara stains while simultaneous pushing up her boobs.

But Sean is back and with bad news! HALLELUJAH I scream at my television when he drops the inevitable “BUT” after a forced compliment.

It’s time for you to skeedaddle he says in more or less words and for me the episode is over.

Oh, if you need to know – he gets rid of Lesley (bummer!) and let’s AshLee know she needs to keep her crazy under control.

But let’s talk about the ultimate win – TIERRA IS GONE! Secondary Embarrassment can go back to full recaps and I can release the hate from my heart.

You’ve got to take the good with the bad. Lesley may be gone (I’m chalking this up as a win for her) but Tierra is GONE! Now I can go back to focusing on the loud kissing, epic love songs, excessive shirt-less shots and more!

So until next time… stay tuned!

 

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Just Tierrable or The 10 Reasons Why There’s No Bachelor Season 17 Episode 5 Recap

Hey fellow Bachelor lovers/haters. So last night, I broke out my laptop and started typing away at how spectacularly ridiculous this episode would  prove to be. Lots of notes ensued. From comments on how CH took my advice and gave up on plaid (but alas the ladies did not), on the annoying quality of Lindsay’s voice and the unearthed explanation of the origination of her daddy issues and on the pure amazingness of seeing Dezi drink a big gulp of goat’s milk.

And then it happened. The tierrable sea monster known as Tierra took over the show. I thought I couldn’t stand the sight of her wonky, independent eyebrow and odd forehead dent before but now I find her utterly insufferable. Her mere presence on the show caused me to abandon my love of two-on-one dates (when are they going to realize the dinner is the worst worst worst idea) and begin searching for poorly-made trendy clothes on Forever 21.

I think I may have even started responding to work emails, that is how awful I find her.

https://i2.wp.com/www.youplusstyle.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/01/Screen-shot-2013-01-15-at-10.56.49-AM.png

There are quite possibly thousands of reasons why I cannot stand her presence on my beloved television but I’ve compiled 10 here. See, I just can’t complete my recap without getting these things off my chest. Hopefully venting here will allow me to move past my intense loathing and allow me to return to witty repartee about her very apparent love of cheetos, the other girls resemblance to Disney princesses (so long Ariel!) and my girl crush on Selma.

10. The phony, fake-surprised look she gives Sean whenever he appears at the brothel the mansion.

image: realitynation.com

The moment she sees Sean, the viewing audience is able to see the Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde transformation right before our eyes. The squeal that accompanies this face is, by far, the worst part.

9. Her resemblance to …

While the rest of the girls have dopplegangers in the sweet Disney princesses (Dezi = Belle, Jackie = Ariel, Daniella = Sleeping Beauty, Sarah = Cinderella, etc), our gal Tierra is straight up Esmerelda from The Hunchback of Notre Dame. Not only is she from one of the worst Disney cartoon movies ever but she’s not even a princess. She’s a gypsy accused of murder. Both characters also share the uncanny ability to control one eyebrow independently of their face.

8. The snack hogging.

stop hogging all the snacks.

This leads straight into my next point…

7.  The Clothes.

The gals on this show have been known for their style and their lack of it. This season we’ve got style standpoints like Sarah and Selma. And in a return worthy of her predecessor Chantal, we have Tierra. It’s not that she has no style per say, it’s more than she’s showing off the stuff we don’t want to see.

She borrowed this dress from her older sister’s 2001 Junior Prom.

More Eating. This time in fringe.

That’s a lot of thigh.

 

 

6. Those crazy eyes.

More than anything, I’m seriously frightened for the other girls safety when I see those crazy eyes. I think if you look directly into them she eats a little bit of your soul off a dorito. Usually this is the time in the season when the girls lose control of their crazy but Tierra has let her crazy flag fly from day one.

5. The “I’m Sensitive” routine.

Every time she says it, THIS is how I feel.

Enough with this. You are not sensitive. Sarah is sensitive. You are horrible.

4. The Sneak Attack

While others may have started the sneak attack (see most recently Courtney and Sean), Tierra has perfected it. Ole girl just don’t care about the “rules” that our man CH lays out each week. She will strap on her Uggs and go wherever she damn well pleases. And then she’ll cry (see #3) and talk about how sensitive she is (see #5). I’m about to use one the standard issue plaid shirts and tie her to the refrigerator (that way she’ll be able to reach her cheetos stored on top of the fridge, duh).

3. The Crying

WOOF.

Ugh, the crying. A sneak attach (see #4) is almost always accompanied by crying. She’ll also use this to try and break Sean’s willpower when she fake falls down the stairs, fake freezes or fake sneezes. The crying, it might have been #1 but there’s these two…

2. The Eyebrow

Mind of it's own.

1. HER FOREHEAD DENT.

The-Bachelor-Tierra

Nuff said.

Until next time… stay tuned.

 

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‘Holy Moly Batman! Pretty Woman was about a Prostitute?’ And other lessons in Love from The Bachelor Season 17 Episode 4 Recap

Ah Tuesday. A day to sit back, relax and reflect on all of last night’s Bachelor madness. It really was a return to the good old days and by good old days I mean the days of hiding behind inanimate objects to shield yourself from the embarrassment spewing from your TV.

But enough of that, Chris Harrison is here, looking positively pleasant in plum. I’m happy to see that he’s packed up the plaids and finally given up on a long-term bromance with Brad.

CH is stopping in for a quick visit before heading off to do whatever it is he does in between keeping five-minute appearances on this show. On today’s visit, he’s dropping off a date card and doing his best 7th grade wingman impression. CH tells the girls that Sean really, really likes them and will probably ask one of them to go with him to the movies later this week. Probably after lunch period. He’ll pick you up (with his mom in the mini-van) at 7 for your 8:30 screening of Scream 2. Ahh middle school love.

After CH bolts out of there for mid-day cocktails with Neil Lane, it’s time for our weekly shirtless Sean montage. Rather than seeing Sean hitting the gym or going for a quick ocean swim, today we just get to see normal hot body Sean brushing his teeth and picking out his best v-neck tee for the grueling day ahead. Seriously though, what was the deal with that floor camera shot looking up at Sean in his boxer briefs? Were they hoping to give us all an unintentionally peek at the junk? Does the mansion closet have a floor cam? What is the deal?

Once Sean finally picks out his favorite TOMS (saved from Emily’s season), he’s ready to pick up Selma for their one-on-one date.

Selma – Let’s turn up the heat. (Yeah, let’s. No really, let’s.)

I, for one, am JAZZED about Selma getting the camera time a mug like hers so rightfully deserves. How many weeks has this show been on already with Selma, the smoking hottie, relegated to group dates? A travesty if I’ve ever seen one.

Selma is jazzed too, so mush so that she says this horribly embarrassing line, “I want to take it to the next level and then the next level and the next level and then have babies!” Oh Selma, don’t do this to me so early.

Thankfully someone in production gave Selma the heads up on what to wear so she’s not like AshLee traipsing around an amusement park in high heels and a sundress (amateur). Instead, Selma and her GINORMOUS boobies (sorry, I am not supposed to say that. Whoopsie. FYI – if boob jokes offend you, you’re gonna want to tune out now cause this is only the beginning) are stuffed into some skin-tight workout apparel. While the house full of sad sacks (p.s. – Daniella, time to wash yo hair girlfriend. stat.) sit around and cry for lost time with Sean, Selma is ready to shake what her momma gave her.

Side Note: A great drinking game to play this episode is to take a sip every time Sean checks out Selma’s cleavage. You will be well on your way to ham town by the end of this date.

Sean’s hype for this date because he “had a connection with Selma from night one.” Yeah you did – an eye line connection with her hoo-hahs.

Moving on, for their date these two love birds hop aboard the love bird express (aka a Blue Star Jet) to the desert. Selma, who thought their one-way flight would take them to the mile-high club (did you all see how grabby she was on the plane?) or at least the beach, is a little disappointed. Sean, on the other hand, is ready to see what kind of an outdoor girl Selma is (don’t get your hopes up buddy).

Side note: Is it required for every chick to make a princess/castle reference on their way to the date? If I hear ONE more line like this “I couldn’t have dreamt up a more perfect date. I feel like a princess in a castle.” Extra Side Note: All this princess talk has me brainstorming a post comparing each girl to their Disney Princess doppleganger – stay tuned!

These two crazy kids will be climbing a giant rock in Joshua Tree National Park. FUN! And by fun, I mean it’s an opportunity for the camera man to get some new angles on Selma’s rack. After the required hoopla about being “so scared” and “nervous,” Selma mans up, with a little positive encouragement from Sean, and starts the climb. The climb is a perfect opportunity for Sean to stare at Selma’s booty for a good hour. Nice work bud.

They make it to the top (don’t they always), just in time to catch the sunset (and for Sean to aggressively smash Selma’s boobs in a hug – did you all see that?). Romance at it’s most cliched best. Also, I am pissed about how ridiculously amazing Selma looked after that climb. I would be a hot sweaty mess and she’s looking camera-ready for the Victoria’s Secret fashion show. I want to hate her but I can’t.

Sean suggests they change for dinner but Selma’s like “Look at me, I look like a million bucks. I ain’t changin'” So instead, they head off to another little desert spot to snuggle up. You may remember this set-up because it is the exact same date that Tony & Blakely shared on last season of Bachelor Pad. But clearly the kitschy set design was wasted on those nut bags, so it’s been recreated for this two exponentially better looking people.

The whole date revolves around Sean’s hard-on desire to kiss Selma and Selma trying to figure out how to tell Sean it’s not going to happen. So basically, she finally breaks it down after Sean betrays one of the commandments of SE “Thou shalt not ask a girl if you can kiss her.” Selma throws up the ‘Hold Up’ sign and let’s him know that she’s a sweet Iraqi princess that won’t be swapping spit on national TV. You know cause she doesn’t want to shame her family or call up the wrath of her mama bear. At first I’m relieved but then the rest of the exchange –  “I want to feel his lips.” (WHY WHY WHY SELMA!?!!?) and “Her eyes are asking me to kiss her” (NO NO NO NO NO) – is so filled with secondary embarrassment that I crawl between the coach cushions and wait for it to end. Oh and we’re not even going to talk about that song that played at the end (okay yes we are), what the what was that? That needs to be removed from the rotation. I feel like it snuck onto Mike Fleiss’ “Eternal Love” Pandora station and he just went with it.

Selma gets the rose (after doing a little heavy petting under the blanket) and we’re out.

Fun facts that we learned on this date: 1. Selma is Iraqi – who knew? 2. There will be no open-mouth kissing on Selma’s date (another eyebrow raiser – though not in the Tierra way – more on that later). 3. Sean saved his TOMS from last season, so resourceful.

Group Date: Lindsay, Robyn, Jackie, Catherine, Amanda, AshLee, Sarah and Tierra – I’m looking for a woman who can roll with the punches.

Once again, Tierra has been sentenced to a group date. Bad news for her but great news for the viewing audience. Speaking of Tierra, this amazing Twitter account started following me last week and I just now got time to enjoy its brillance. You all need to follow Tierra’s Eyebrow on twitter. That thing has a mind of its own.

Despite Tierra’s displeasure, Sean has an “incredible date planned today.” I’ll say. Yup, he’s taking the girls to a Roller Derby! What better way to stir up love and affection than with some fighting on roller skates! I love it.

AshLee isn’t digging it, “I don’t do anything adventurous,” (I’d have to disagree, I’d say going on a reality dating competition show is pretty adventurous) but Sarah is excited, “I’m ready to show Sean that I can roll with the punches” even if she can only throw one punch. No combos for this gal. (Sorry sorry sorry, I had to do it. It’s like she just sets them up for me.)

The girls are generally horrible. And I do genuinely feel bad for Sarah for having to come on this date. Sean is all, “my heart goes out to her…” but I’m thinking, if your heart goes out to her why did you bring her on this date? Surely embarrassing her on national television isn’t all that heart warming. Anyways, Sean comforts her (and promises to bring her dog back. seriously, can her dog come back?) and she’s ready to conquer the track.

“Can I hold your…. err…. other hand?” Image: ABC

Amanda, on the other hand, has been running her larger than life mouth the entire date. Talking (with a WIDE open mouth) about how she’s on a roller derby team. She’s not. And karma comes back to bite her in the face (that is in danger of being taken over by her mouth every time she speaks) when she takes a big lick and damages the track with her giant jaw.

In a fit worthy of Tierra’s greatness, Amanda whines her to way to a trip to the hospital and the girls (as well as the crew) rejoice (except for the intern who had to drive her to the doctor)!

Side note: What if they have to wire her jaw shut? That would be amazing especially for her face which would be saved from impending doom.

After realizing that maybe roller derby is a little too aggressive, Sean calls the whole thing off and settles for a free skate. The princesses are thrilled and take turns slow skating with Sean to the sweet sounds of Journey.

At Roller Derby we wear Pink! Image: ABC

Enough of this nonsense. It’s time to get the girls in their tightest cocktail dresses (with bikinis on underneath for good measure) and over to a hotel rooftop pool for some champagne and crying.

This part of the date is where Tierra (and her every present eyebrow) take over. Rather than sport a dress, Tierra opts for some way too short for her booty shorts and stripper heels. She accessorizes with the attitude of a petulant 5 year old girl (Homeland fans, see Dana), ready to rage on anyone who even looks her way.

The only gal free from her wrath is her partner in crazy crime, Jaws aka Amanda the fit (not face) model. These two spend most of the night mean mugging the other girls and generally causing mayhem.
Things hit a head when Robyn unleashes the beast with some high-school mean girl hijinks of her own. Robyn apparently thinks she possesses the ability to take on Tierra. But her attempt at leaving our favorite piece of princess headgear fails when the evil sea monster calls her out right quick.

The battle is lost and Tierra takes her tears and her thunder thighs on a mission to find Sean. She finds him ready to hit the hot tub with Lindsay the lush, who’s had just enough champagne for a little dip in the bubbly. But poor Sean is cock blocked once again and Tierra’s tears trump Lindsay’s bikini. I stop paying attention as she moans on about “not fitting in” and “not being here to make friend.” BORING.

What I find more interesting is that when Lindsay returns to the rest of the gals in her bikini, rather than being bummed that they weren’t invited to the fantasy hot tub, they’re super supportive of her. Geez, they must really hate Tierra.

Anyways, her madness wins Sean over again (swears, he actually says this: “You know what I know? You like me and want to spend more time with me. I can tell by the way you look at me.”) and he goes to fetch the rose for the evil one. Nice work Robyn.

The Pretty Woman Date with Leslie

So it appears that Leslie will finally get the date she’s been crying for since week one. And it’s a date sure to make all the other gals jealous. The date card came with a pair of diamond earrings so it can only mean one thing – the Pretty Woman date.

Now here’s where I need to break in. Lord knows I loved Pretty Woman as much as the next person but I haven’t forgotten the fact that Julia Roberts’ character was a PROSTITUTE. Have all the girls in America (at least the ones on this show) forgotten that? They’re all so obsessed with having their Pretty Woman moment forgetting that her character was a woman paid to have sex with Richard Gere’s character. So let’s all remember that point as we go through this date together.

Within 30 seconds I know this date will be filled to the top with Secondary Embarrassment. If any of you were doubting it for even a moment, your mind had to be changed when she used four different cartoon character voices and then chirped “Holy Moly Batman!” Well that or seeing Sean in a vest. Either one.

This date was seriously an embarrassment of riches, if riches were what the kids were calling the head to toe rush of SE. With the mix of cartoon voices, comic book catchphrases and feet 3 sizes too big for her body it seems like Sean is on a date with an 11-year-old boy. Maybe he realizes that too and takes her immediately to Badgley Mischka where they do their best to put her in all their ugliest dresses. Seriously, what were those things? Buzz, your girlfriend.

This could possibly be the worst date for a guy … or me for that matter… to watch.

Leslie shouts out “Winner Dinner Chicken Dinner!” and we’re all forced to assume that this means she’s found the dress she likes. They throw her a pair of heels and bag and hurry her out the door as quickly as possible. Oh, but that’s not all friends. They make a quick beeline over to Neil Lane, where he and CH take a quick break from their back room poker game, to pick out a diamond necklace for ole girl. Neil is so tan and so awesome. I kind of wish he would make rose ceremony appearances with CH.

Sufficiently dolled up, it’s time for dinner where Sean is hoping that the romance will set in. We all know this is code for, “I’m going to have to send her home.” I hope you all saw that warning sign and begin preparing for the SE apocalypse then. Friends, it’s going to get bad out there.

They sit down for dinner and begin sharing stories. After asking her about her “broad outline for life,” he lets her ramble on for who knows how long (I feel like they should have done those time elapse breaks), while he daydreams about Selma’s boobies. Looks like it’s time to call a spade a spade.

Sean pulls the rose fake out and picks it up to show that he’s made his decision. Leslie face breaks into a huge smile and I immediately take cover behind my laptop. I look over to make sure Drew’s safe from the SE nuclear blast and he’s already abandoned ship and has taken shelter underneath the couch (I can’t believe he’d just leave me behind like that).

He begins his bit and then it happens, the impact of the “BUT.” Once it hits, her smile crumbles and a chill-inducing pang of SE runs up my spine. MAKE. IT. STOP.

Thankfully, Sean pulls the band-aid of insecurity and doubt off quickly and Leslie is out of there in no time. But wait, there’s one more thing. “I need the necklace back,” Sean says as I dive for cover again. Gah, talk about adding insult to injury. This girl is going to be a mess when she makes it to the limo. At least she’ll have those diamond earrings to comfort her as she deals with feelings of inadequacy and the never-ending hunt for true love.

Back at the mansion, Tierra is doing work on the house’s supply of Dorrito’s (did she add melted cheese to those bad boys? does she know the camera adds 10 pounds?) while the girls debate on whether Leslie will come back or not.

Side note: Props to Leslie for fitting all her gear in that little bag!

Sean shoves Leslie into the limo and heads back inside to listen to the sweet, yet sad, sounds of Ben Taylor while he thinks about his journey. The date ends with a single rose being thrown from the balcony which is what I want to do to myself after watching that train wreck.

Cock block tails & Roses

At the cocktail party, Tierra is all pumped and not just because they replenished the supply of Cheetos. One more girl gone means one less girl to share her snacks with.

Robyn, on the other hand, is bound and determined to not let Tierra hold her down this time. So she’s coming strong with the corniest, most embarrassing (and that’s saying something) line of the night. I can’t remember how it goes (thank the lord) but it involved chocolate, an allusion to herself and kissing. WOOF CITY.

The post is getting a little lengthy so I’m going to cut to the chase.

PROS:

* That Daniella is still here. Gah, I love her. I love her always kinda drunk disheveled look. I love her commentary and I love that most of the time, it seems like she has no idea where she is. She’s like the Brittany S. Pierce (from Glee) of The Bachelor.

* Seeing Tierra let her crazy hang loose.

* AshLee and Sarah. Love these two sweeties.

* That the show is almost over.

CONS

* Tierra’s earrings.

* Dezi getting any sort of screen time.

* Catherine getting seriously awkward and nerdy with Sean. C’mon girl.

Rose Time:

Tierra and Selma already have roses.

The remaining roses go to…

* Catherine

* Dezi

* Lindsay

* Lesley – Woofy makeup tonight girlfriend.

* Robyn

* AshLee

* Sarah

* Jackie

Last rose, GIVE IT TO DANIELLA!!!!! GIVE IT TO DANIELLA!!!!!

YYYYYYESSSSSSSS!

* Daniella

Woohoo! It’s time for ole crazy face to head home. Speaking of head, what is that on top of hers? That rats nest was definitely not helping her get a rose. “It’s going to be hard to get over Sean,” she says as I think, “it’s gonna be hard to untangle that mess on your head.”

The group toasts to getting rid of that hot mess and it’s time for the previews.

WOAH WOAH WOAH. Two episodes next week. I want to like that but that’s a serious time commitment ABC.

I definitely can’t do two recaps next week, so I’m looking for someone to guest post. Drop me a line through the contact form or tweet me (@drudydavispr) and let me know if you’re interested.

What did you all think of the episode? What was your favorite Tierra (eating) moment? Who do you think goes home next week?

Until then… stay tuned!

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Dr. Sean Strangelove or How I Learned to Stop Hating on Plaid and Love Chris Harrison – The Bachelor Season 17 Episode 3 Recap

Sorry for the delay friends. Been a hectic past few days and work got in the way of my recapping.

So last night, I decided to close up the computer so I could sit back, relax and enjoy the madness (also, I was really tired and couldn’t bear the thought of typing into the wee hours).  I’m pretty glad I did so I could soak up all of Tierra’s fake fall, actually enjoying a genuine moment on the show and throw popcorn at the screen every time Kacie B. popped up. That being said, today’s recap will not include some of the word for work quote mockery I’ve become known for. Sorry Charlie. I’ll be back to normal next time.

Love love love this guy.

The show opens in what should now be the open credits, Sean working out. Add in a little of that epic love music (maybe a little “On the Wings of Love”) and a beach run and I think it could become a nice standard open. Think about ABC?

Sean’s not necessarily my type but it never hurts to see those rock hard abs and if you’re playing The Bachelor drinking game, it gets your night off on the right track. Favorite line, “I’ve got my work cut out for me.” Ah, gotsta love the way the producers matched up that voice-over with Sean finishing up a set of rows. Good work.

But enough of Sean, doesn’t he know we all really tune in for one man? The one and only Chris Harrison. CH swings by the mansion to recap the rules, current standings and scatter a little cat nip for the gals to claw over, you know, a date card.

So there’s 16 gals left. This week we’ve got three dates lined up (duh). One group and two one-on-ones. First one up is little ole Lesley (jerk move Selma on giving Leslie high hopes).

“How long will this love last?”

I’m perplexed by this date card. Does he want me to answer? Okay, if I must. My best guess is that this love lasts at least until hometowns but not much longer. Even if she makes it to the end, I give it 9 months max. But enough of my predictions…

Sean and Lesley jump into the most pedestrian of Bachelor transportation methods – the limo – where the cannooodle and flirt around. Lesley is a big ball of hype for her date until she sees the limo stop in front of the Guinness World Record Museum. Uhhh what the what?

Side note: I haven’t decided how I feel about Lesley yet. On one side she seems pretty normal, not obnoxious and is remaining mostly out of the fray. All things I like. On the other side, there’s something about her that bugs me a little. Not sure if it’s her voice or what (certainly not her style – little lady always looks cute). Moving on.

So they’re at the museum and you can tell that Sean the prankster is back in action. He loves throwing these gals curve balls and seeing their reactions. At first I thought it was endearing but now it’s just getting to be old news. Either way, Lesley plays along and it appears these two are having fun on this little walkabout. It also appears that Sean is preparing for his final date scrapbook and taking tons of pics on his point-and-shoot.

But now it’s game time. Sean drops some knowledge about his pops breaking a world record (a pretty cool one at that). It appears Papa Ken Doll was the fastest to drive in all 48 contiguous states. Nice work.

“That’s cool Pops”, says Sean. “But I’ll see your world record and raise you a slutty world record.” Yup, it’s time to make a little history on this weekly competition dating show. It seems that Sean and Lesley are going to take a lick at setting the world record for longest on-screen kiss.

As the sweet sounds of Boys II Men’s “I’ll make love to you” play in the background, Sean and Lesley recreate their first middle school dance. Image: ABC

Lesley is the perfect mix of embarrassed and excited as they walk outside to complete their task in front of a randomly assembled group of hobos, street walkers, tourists, understudy Bachelor contestants (seriously, what was the deal with all the blondies in cut-off jean shorts?) and passerby’s.

CH is on the scene, along with some foreign Guinness guy, to make things official. Thank god for him because if not, the full THREE MINUTES AND FIFTEEN SECONDS of them kissing would have been an SE nightmare. Good lord, I was thinking they’d just let us fast-forward through that madness but instead we had to watch along through every lip-pursed closed mouth kiss.

We all know how big of a hater I am on the open-mouth kiss but when you’re setting a record for kissing, I would hope that you’d add in a little more tongue action. Watching them smile and press up against each other (do we keep our eyes closed? do we open them? what do we do with our hands?) was painful at best and awkward as hell at worst.

Favorite parts: CH playing ringmaster. Least favorite parts: Tie between Lesley and Sean’s off-screen commentary and the crowd of cheering fans. I mean really people? You have to have something better to do with three minutes of your life than watch these two touch lips.

Moving on.

Anyways, they break the record and we all take a collective break to change for dinner.

At dinner these crazy kids talk about their idyllic childhoods spent in perfect nuclear families where all they did was hang out with their families, do homework and go to practice (they are like the Aaron Samuels of Bachelor-dom). Clearly this season, tragic back-stories are out (unless they involve losing a limb) and perfect families are in!

Lesley impresses him with her great upbringing, sense of humor and short skirt so the rose is hers! They seal the deal with a kiss, this time with tongue and I’m instantly take back everything I said earlier about tongue-action.

Enough of these well-adjusted kids, I need some crazy crying in my Monday night routine. Let’s go on a Group Date!

Group Date: Set. Serve. Spike with Tierra, Robyn, Leslie, Taryn, Jackie, Little Desi, Kacie B., Amanda, Catherine, Daniella, Lindsey and someone else who I can’t remember right now. Oh I remember now. The model. What’s her name?

“Why yes, I am Captain America.” Image: ABC

The girls all throw on their perfectly matched bikinis and hit the beach for a date made for Sean’s abs.

It only takes one “TAKE OFF YOUR SHHHIIIIIRT!” for Sean to ditch his mank-top and run around like an extra on Baywatch. The crew spends the next 3 minute montage throwing the football, running into the ocean hand-in-hand and watching Sean do push-ups using Catherine for extra weight. It all feels so insanely staged but at least no one’s crying… yet.

Realizing that group dates were made for feelings of inadequacy, self-doubt and tears, the producers throw in the challenge. Duh Duh DUNNNNN. Split into teams cause you all will be hitting the beach volleyball court to compete for five more minutes with Sean.

After assembling teams, the girls spend the next ten minutes erotically covering each other in body paint rather than coming up with a legitimate strategy on how to actually win. This lack of planning means that the game is a total and utter mess. It’s like watching 10 hot-bodied Daria’s.

“Kill HER! I mean It, I meant it!” Image: ABC

In the end, the rag tag team of Desiree, Amanda, Lindsey, Robyn, Kacie B. and Jackie win the match and to the victor go the spoils. So these ladies break out their shortest sun-dresses and get ready for a night of competing for Sean’s love and affection.

Here’s what I can tell from this group:

* Little Desi is annoying. All her lip-licking, band sweeping and bloated self-confidence are slowly making me want to lunge through the screen and wipe that stupid smirk off her wedding-loving face.

* Amanda is bi-polar and her mouth is slowing gaining control of her face. Seriously, every time she smiles I fear it will be the last time we see anything south of her forehead. Also, she is nuts.

* Robyn is a cutie-patootie.

* Jackie has no idea what she is doing there other than looking pretty with her Princess Ariel features. (Has she even spoken to Sean on-camera once?)

* Kacie B. needs to be immediately thrown into the ocean. First off, throughout the season I’ve had no idea what she’s been talking about in any of her on-camera interviews. Always something about “being selfish this time” and “not here to play game.” On this date she decides she’s going to use Desi annoyance with Amanda’s multiple personalities to her advantage. Wait what? That doesn’t make sense. She tells us that she thinks Sean will hate the drama but then she sits down with him for the expressed purpose of creating drama. Not sure what is happening with her but all I can tell is that she is in need of some serious attention. Isn’t being on television TWO TIMES enough attention Kacie B?

Anyways, she sits down with Sean, talks some crazy shit about Desi and Amanada and Sean cuts through her bull in one second flat. “Ugh why are YOU telling me this?” Yeah why are you telling him that? You are an idiot who deserves to be sent home now so we no longer have to see your hair frizz in the California heat again.

* Lindsey has emerged from her crazy first night and has wooed Sean with her high-pitched voice, hand grabbing and talk of rainbows, unicorns and puppies.

And the rose goes to… Lindsey. Ole girl is a serious threat. Watch out now.
While things were getting weird beach-side, the rest of the crew heads back to the mansion where they bathe in each other’s tears and wax poetic about “needing more time.”

I mean couldn’t we have just invited one of my buddies so someone could catch this? Image: ABC

Enough of those sad-sacks, it’s time for the final date.

Riding High with AshLee.

We’re in the home stretch now and it’s time for the last date. This one goes to AshLee (and not without a little drama induced reading of the card from Tierra). AshLee gets all glammed up and is awaiting her knight in v-necked cotton armor when from the stairs comes a clatter. Who is it curled up in a big ball of eyelashes but Tierra of course. She lays there like a big lump of coal moaning waiting for the moment for Sean to arrive.

He does and attends to her like the decent human he appears to be. Tierra, being the miserable person she appears to be, capitalizes on the situation and throws a hissy-fit similar to the one my two-year old throws when I won’t let him eat gummy-snacks for dinner. After being the paramedics off with her curling iron, Tierra escapes for a quick cuddle session with Sean. WOOF.

All the while, the sweet and innocent AshLee waits inside – silently plotting a way to destroy her roommate named after a bedazzled headpiece.

Once the date begins, Sean tells Ash that they’re going to Six Flags and that they have the whole park to themselves. Well maybe. Sean is up to some more tricks. This time he invited a couple terminally ill children to join them. Nothing like using sick children to provoke a reaction you’ll use to gauge her prospect of being your wife. All jokes aside though, these kids are awesome.

The pair of girls both had mitochondrial disease (I think that’s what it’s called – no disrespect intended) and were meeting for the first time. Since they both love the Bachelor and amusement parks, it’s a big ball of fun for them. I’m sure they were wondering if they could kick AshLee off the date but in terms of a Bachelor date, this one was a good one.

I will say it was surprisingly awesome to watch them interact with the girls and see two kids really enjoying themselves. It also made me think of Sean not as a robot created by ABC for entertainment and ab shots but as a real human. I’m also glad ABC chose AshLee for this date because throwing Des or Tierra on this one could have been a mid-to-mild disaster.

Not going to lie, I got a little knot in my throat and not from the sheer excess of secondary embarrassment this show tends to shower on us. I also was kinda jealous because that date looked like a seriously fun time. I’m guessing AshLee just wishes she was dressed a little more appropriately.

For rose-getting purposes, AshLee shares a little of her background. Adopted but… from a perfect family. She just got hers a little later than the rest of the gals. Her story warms Sean’s heart (and is genuinely very sweet) and she is rewarded with a rose. The group dances away the night to the Eli Young Band.

Rose Time:

I’m pressed for time so I’m just going to use a word run on to describe the cocktail party:

Spray tanning. Bootylicious Tierra. Crazy Desi. Man Stealing. Oh No She Didn’t. More Man Stealing. Sarah’s cute ass puppy. Man that was nice of Sean. Musical Chairs. Kisses galore. Madness. Champagne. Crazy Eyes. Teary Eyes. Kacie B. in a Wet Suit. More Man Stealing. And the roses go to….

No but in all seriousness, girls got real at that cocktail party. It was like they were playing capture the flag with ole dude.

And the roses go to…. Hold the phone…. Sean needs to talk to Kacie B. outside. Turns out little buddy didn’t like what she tried to do at the beach so he is sending her ass home right about now. He says it’s because he respects her too much to make her go through another rose ceremony but I’m guessing he just doesn’t want to look at that wet suit and nappy ponytail anymore.

Anyways…  the roses go to…. (Lesley, Lindsey and AshLee all have roses)
(in no particular order cause I don’t remember)

* Amanda
* Daniella
* Selma
* Robyn
* Leslie
* Jackie
* Tierra
* Catherine

And … * Desiree

Am I forgetting someone?

Anyways, the model and Taryn go home along with Kacie B.
See ya later (maybe Bachelor Pad?) ladies.

Oh snap, why did they leave out the footage of them getting Old Time Photos taken?! LOVE THOSE! Sorry I know that gives you all secondary embarrassment but I can’t help it.

What did you all think of last night’s episode? What made your skin crawl? What did I leave out?

Until next time… stay tuned!

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“My ability to love someone is not affected by how many hands I have.” The Bachelor Season 17 Epsiode 2 Recap

Don’t lie. It’s been fun this last week. You get to talk about The Bachelor with your buds (or random strangers – or is that just me?), read about it and finally have a reason to get excited for Mondays. It’s good stuff.

Now it’s not the stuff my dreams are made of but it’s definitely some good, old-fashioned crazy fun. We’ll save all the dream fulfilling to Sean who, according to the previews, is about to make so many dreams come true tonight. He’s a regular Walt Disney. You know, without the mustache, drawing talent or love of mice. (As I wrote that I pictured Sean with a Walt Disney mustache and laughed out loud. Just do it. You’ll laugh too.)

But before he can make the magic happen, Sean has a plan to get you in bed and dreaming (NO! Not like that. I know you’re not contestants on this madness) before 10 p.m. Yup, if you are playing The Bachelor drinking game, you hopefully had a high tolerance because things got serious… fast (just like the relationships on this show).

Sean without his shirt on. DRINK! Sean working out. FINISH YOUR DRINK! Sean in the SHOWER!!!! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS!!!

If you’re still standing, you see my man CH waltz into the house in his signature business on the bottom, party on top look. I love you CH but why the dress shoes with the plaid button-down? I know your relationship with Brad the WOAH-MACK left you confused and alone but don’t try to win him back with plaid smoke signals. Time to let it go.

Speaking of letting it go, it’s time for CH to shelve that speech were he half-hardheartedly tells the gals that he believes in their quest for true love. If anyone knows how this ends (in a ball of tears, sadness and regret) it’s CH.

But enough of all that doubt, I believe in a thing called love and I’m holding out hope that it can be found on this televised Match.com on steroids.

The first place we’ll look for it…

A one-on-one date with Sarah (I’m going to let the joke lurking there lie)!

A Date with the One: “Sarah – Are you ready to fall in love?”

While the rest of the girls try to hide their disdain for Sarah, I can’t. Her voice is quickly becoming like nails on a chalkboard for me and it’s hard for me to fake it when she drops lines like this, “Just because I have one arm doesn’t mean we’re going to stop having fun.” WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?!?! No really, what is she talking about?

I’m still asking myself that question when The Bachelor transportation method of choice descends on the property. A helicopter!!! On the First Date!!! DRINK!

It’s good to see ABC upping their game this season. No more waiting until episode 7, it’s game time and they’re bringing in the big guns early. I like it.

But Sean is a veteran of the series and he bores of the helicopter early (either that or he’s totally confused about what to do with his hands – c’mon you all know you saw the weird way he had his arm around her back). But Sarah apparently is unaware of Sean’s arm placement dilemma and instead is off in la-la land waxing poetic about the sheer awesomeness of the date thus far. “Everything is happening the way i hoped for … and I’m going to start falling in love… and it’s amazing.”

Sarah is shaken out of her day-dream by an abrupt landing in downtown Los Angeles (a perfect place to fall in love, duh). The minute they touch down, I’m thinking that the producers are definitely mailing this date in. It can’t be rappelling can it? Oh wait, it seriously cannot be rappelling – there’s all kinds of logistics issues there. What’s the next best option? Free falling down the side of a building… obviously.

The next few minutes are spent listening to Sarah talk about how {scary, horrifying, terrifying, crazy} this is going to be. At this point, I’m hoping that Sean just pushes her off the platform and yells “No rose for you!” Instead, he’s all gentleman-like and holds her hand, reassuring her that this is going to be SO FUN!

With a little convincing Sarah takes the plunge and in return, we’re given the gift of not listening to her talk for a full 30 seconds.

Side note: I don’t remember exactly when Sarah said this but I know it’s an exact quote, “My ability to love someone is not affected by how many hands I have.” I mean really? I can’t make this stuff up. I want to give this girl a pass but with comments like this coming out of her Kourtney Kardashian sounding mouth, I am having a hard time embracing her (with one OR two hands – my ability to embrace is not affected by the number of hands I have).

It’s break time which means fishing for the next round of crazy contestants, “If you’d like to date the next Bachelor, go to ABC.com and surrender your dignity.”

And we’re back. Ken and Barbie have cleaned up and now it’s time for dinner, lots of champagne and heart-felt confessions. Sarah’s is a story about how a rappelling trip in Vegas (with her Dad?!?) was thwarted by some stupid state law that says that disabled people can’t rappel. Since “opening up” is a sport on this show, Sean scores this confession a 9.5 and rewards her with a kiss and a rose.

Which leads us to a very serious discussion/major dose of ABC induced SE. Did you all see the zooming in on her arm? How uncomfortable was that? I mean, I did prefer it to an open-mouth kiss close-up but yowza. I was not prepared for it and at first, thought it was just a mistake on my part. Lo and behold after a couple forced rewinds, it was confirmed that they did, in fact, zoom in at least twice on her arm. And you all thought I was bad.

Oh and if you thought that was bad, it was topped off by the weird hug/kiss that happened on the helicopter pad. Why was Sarah’s arm awkwardly in between them rather than around Sean’s back. I feel like the producer’s should step in and rearrange things. They’re already controlling every other aspect of this quest for love. Why not let them improve the looks of it and make it mildly more visually appealing for the rest of us.

No matter for Sarah though, this little lady is falling head over heels and is already “falling in love.” NO. NO. NOOOO. Has someone taught these girls that love is more than what happens when your body touches a man you think is pretty.  You’ve literally known the man for a hot second and you’re in love? I can’t even fall in love with a pair of shoes or a delicious dessert as quickly as these gals discover their soul mates.

Moving on.

Next up, a little fun with the most trusted name in romance? Do you all know what that is, cause I’m stumped (no pun intended). Certainly TROJAN isn’t sponsoring The Bachelor now (although they should be).

A Myriad of Crazies: Group Date – “Let’s capture the romance.”
Kristy, Amanda, Brooke, Lesley, Daniella, Catherine, Robyn, Katie, Selma, Taryn, Kacie B., Michelle Money Jr. (What’s the lady from SLC with the kids name again?) and last but don’t call her least Tierra.

First off, I cannot deal with Tierra and her mix of cute and back-handed bitchy. It’s like everything she says has an undertone masked by the batting eyelashes and dopey laugh. DIBS on whatever limo Tierra is not in.

Okay so the cheerleading squad climbs into their limos and pull up at Prince Charming’s castle. The girls are already squealing at a decibel level high enough for dogs to hear and it only escalates when they find out they’re doing a PHOTO SHOOT! EEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeEEEEeeeeEKKKKK!

The only saving grace for me on this date is that sweet, sweet Selma is there. Can we start a dialogue in the comments section about how pretty she is? Seriously, I’m obsessed. Can we set her up with sweet, sweet Roberto? How cute would their kids be? I digress….

So the premise of this date is that the girls and Sean are recreating some memorable Harlequin Romance novel covers (oh, so that’s the most trusted name in romance. You can see how I was confused). All the ladies get to hit the glam stations for hair & make-up before donning a costume from one of the following genres – Cowboy, Vampire, Elegant, Period.

This is pretty similar to the action movie group date or the music video group date. Basically each girl gets her one-on-one chance to sneak in a kiss (and/or pectoral grab) with Sean while 12 hungry sharks wait in the wings. Fun stuff.

Here’s how the whole thing breaks down:

* Tierra hates on the girls with extensions.
* Lesley gets her cowgirl on with Sean, sealed with a kiss. (Then Tierra hates on her.)
* Kristy makes sure we all know 1. she’s a model. 2. she has crazy eyes. 3. she’s gonna win this one! 4. Tierra is sure to hate her.
* Selma is a smoking hottie who would look good dressed as a zombie.
* Kacie B. is a bachelor know-it-all.
* The Yogi is the most normal of all. (Best Line: “Home girl is kinda excited to do a photo shoot.”) Which means her demise is imminent.

The girls all try their hand at getting grabby with Sean and sneaking in a little open-mouth kiss but no one does it better than Kristy. The group consensus is their shoot is “sexy” and “hot.” Kristy knows she nailed it (not like that, she wishes!) and is rewarded with the three-book cover deal. Shes thrilled. Mostly because this means that her occupation can officially be listed as “model” now as opposed to “unemployed crazy eyes.”

Shocker! Part two of the date is a pool party. You know, time for Sean to sit down, talk one-on-one and “evaluate” why they’re really here.

Side note: Drew makes a great group date observation from his perch paying half-attention to the show, “The craziest chicks are the ones that get interviewed a bunch.” Truth.

The big stars of the after hours party are Lesley, Tierra and Kacie B. (well and Selma in my eyes).

Lesley gets the first one-on-one with Sean and instead of capitalizing on it (and by capitalizing, I mean kissing) she asks him about the weather, talking about the house and other oddness. I had a split reaction on this. Not going to lie, I found it kind of endearing and cute. I mean, sometimes that is how things go on a real date. You’re a little nervous, not sure who’s going to make the move and things get awkward. So I’m going to lay the fault at Sean’s feet on the second reaction – AWKWARD. I mean the SE level was through the roof. Mostly because, when that awkward stuff is happening on a real date, no one is there filming you and standing by. Oh and also you’re not competing against 25 other gals for the guy that bought you dinner. Sean – man up and kiss the girl for god’s sake.

Honestly, nothing could be worse than the phrase “This is a grand time” used legitimately in a conversation. WOOF City.
Everything is made good though when Lesley does the manning up herself and marches straight up to Sean for the awkward kiss she’d wanted all along. Get it girl. (Also, loved loved loved Daniella’s play-by-play. She is officially this season’s fun commentator. Keep her around for the half-slurred, on-point commentary.)

p.s. – Lesley’s dress is really cute.

Speaking of dresses, or lack there-of, Kacie B. forgot her pants or didn’t realize that she stole her 12-year-old cousin’s Forever 21 dress. Holy hell Kacie B. We get it. You’re super skinny now and your legs are twigs. But those twigs still lead up to lady parts. Lady parts that appreciate being covered when being filmed for national television.

Kacie B. and Sean’s convo is boring. I mean I’ll come out and say it. It was. Kacie B. tells Sean that she knew there was something more there when he “treated her like a lady.” Cause that’s all it takes for these girls to fall in love, a guy to have manners. Moral of the story – the tannest girl in Tennessee moves from friend zone to girlfriend zone. YAWN.

In other news, Catherine is cute, Selma is hot and Tierra is loony tunes.

I’m calling it now, Tierra is this season’s Courtney. She’s the one every girl in the house hates, mostly because she’s a crazy bia. But then she goes up to the guy and is all “this is so hard for me…  I didn’t come here to make friends…. I just want to spend time with you.” Barf.

The BIG difference between Courtney and Tierra is their boob size. Did you all catch Sean looking down her tank top? Of course he’s keeping her around. He’s waiting for the date where they wear bathing suits.

In other unexciting but totally expected news, Katie the Yogi decides to fold and hit the road. Clearly she is WAY too normal to spend day after day cooped up in a house with these crazies. No amount of yoga can help with that mental unrest.

It’s group date rose time and Tierra thinks this one is hers but instead he switches it up and throws the rose in Kacie B.’s direction. I think this is officially Kacie’s B.’s 12 rose ceremony. There’s gotta be more to life than that girl. Is it really that hard for you to find nice guys to date in the real world?

The one with the prank – Date Night with Desiree

It’s Desiree date and I’m going to make this short and sweet because honestly, I think this date was stupid.

Here’s the deal. I love pranks. I think they are hilarious and the one they did at Madame Tussaud’s was amazing. Loved it.

The reason I think this one bombed is because Desiree was boring and a little drunk and totally didn’t care about breaking that piece of art. Also, I can’t wrap my head around how a Katie Holmes lookalike (thanks Shannon!) is named Desiree.

I had high hopes for this date. Anytime they get Chris Harrison involved, it usually means good things but Desiree ruined it. But on a high note, her dress was cute.

So anyways, Sean takes her to this fake art gallery where Desiree is the biggest phony baloney on the block. There was no way in hell she gave two licks about that art show but she’s all “this is so interesting” and “i love art.” P.S. – Saying you love art is like saying you love puppies. I mean no one hates art. They may not like some art but at some point everyone likes art. Even if it’s just drawn by your three-year-old.

So old Dezi (I’m calling her that from now on) gets set up and is left alone with this faux piece of $1.5 million art. She’s clearly already had about six glasses of champagne on the limo ride over and promptly finds the one place to sit in the row. Cue the art falling which CH and his top bro Sean watch and high-five in the back. So the camera guy and artist come in and she’s all “it just broke” in a way that gives no f’s. I’m guessing she knew it was a set up or thought it would be funny to see ABC deal with her f-ing up something that cost that much money.

More annoying than her inability to react well to the candid camera, is Sean in the back. He’s all “she’s so cute,” “i feel so bad, she’s such a sweetie.” Woof, kill me now. Can we move on to the portion of the date where you all bump uglies back at Sean’s place?

Yup, we can cause this is my blog and I do what I want.

So the date takes a big turn and instead of hitting the town, Sean takes old Dezi back to “his place” to slip into something with a little less fabric (which is hard to do given the length of her dress). They find a Stoffer’s lasagna waiting for them which they rub all over each other before washing off in the pool (okay that didn’t happen but it would have been WAY better if it had).

Instead of some lasagna love-making, these two hard bodies show off for America by slipping into their bathing suits. Then they sit poolside and talk about how idyllic their parents and childhoods were. And the rest of America collectively throws their food at their TV’s and yells “SHUT UP!”

Obviously she gets the rose because Sean just loves how real Dez is. Side note: Can he please stop calling her DEZ! It is annoying. I’d prefer if he’d switch to Old Dezi instead.

Blah blah blah, open-mouthed kissing in the hot tub. End Scene.

Rose Ceremony Time

I’ve got to get back to work so I’m going to make this rose ceremony recap quick.

Highlights:
* Daniella kills it with her commentary. I love how she is the perfect mix of dumb, insightful, drunk and funny. Let’s keep this girl here for the long haul or at least until group dates are over.

* Selma is hot. End.of.story.

* Robyn getting real with Sean on behalf of the lawsuit against ABC. No but really, I find her cute and imagine if her and Sean had babies. They’d be hella smart (ole girl is an engineer), really pretty (dark skin and blue eyes – hello hottie!) and super fit (not counting the drive way flip, ole girl has skills and Sean’s abs speak for themselves). Make it happen.

* Wedding Dress Lindsey having a General as a dad. Not sure why this is a highlight, it’s just not a lowlight. Can we ask him to stop by and lead some sort of bootcamp for these floozies?

Lowlights:
* The nightmares I had last night after watching Amanda. And that was just about her dress. What is that girl’s deal. She is like that terror from The Ring. I half expected her to crawl out of the hot tub filter to steal Sean’s soul. Instead, she attempted to eat him with that giant mouth of hers. WATCH OUT FOR THAT CRAZY FACE. No but really, drinking out of that mug. Giving evil eyes to the producers, fellow contestants and the cats that roam the property. I wouldn’t want to see her and Tierra going head to head.

* Lindsey’s dress. What in the f was that thing? Did she find it lurking in her Mom’s closet, a left over from Aunt Becky’s 1987 nuptials? Yikes a million.

And the roses go to…
Sarah, Desiree and Kacie B. all have flowers already.

* AshLee – let the organizing continue.

* Lindsey

* Robyn – love that dress!

*Jackie – Who?

* Lesley M.

* Selma (YEAHBUDDY!)

* Catherine (so cute)

* Kristy

* Leslie H.

* Tierra (really with those earrings?)

* Taryn

* Daniella (For the Win!)

* Amanda – Can’t decide if I’m happy or scared about this.

So Brooke (was that her name) and Michelle Money Jr. hit the road.

Get stepping ladies. Y’all were kinda boring anyways and that’s saying something.

What did you all think of this week’s episode? I, for one, thought it was snooze city but I’m looking forward to whatever happens to Tierra next week!

Did your favorites survive? What gave you the most SE? How do you feel about old Dez?

Keep me posted in the comments and until next week… stay tuned!

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“I’m The Bachelor, this is absolutely nuts.” The Bachelor Season 17 Episode 1 Recap

First off, it feels good to be back.

Second, I just finished watching the premier and I can’t help but be filled with a little bit of giddy joy. Somewhat similar to the first day of school. You know, if school was full of slutty, insecure, crazy girls. Oh wait, it was! Hooray school is back in session.

No but really, I think I’ve been away so long that I rather than being consumed with constant secondary embarrassment, I genuinely embraced it every time it showed its awkward face on my television set.

Gah I missed this. (Admit it, you did too.)

So this season marks our boy Sean’s second chance at big boobie grabbing true love. After a quick preview of one girl’s pursuit of madness (I’m watching you Tierra), it’s time to get down to business. And by business, I mean video footage of Sean with his shirt off. It appears that since the last time we saw Sean, he’s been working on his pecks, improving his babysitting skills and hoarding v-neck tees. You know, standard post break-up stuff.

Side note: There needs to be an addition to this season’s drinking game: take a drink every time Sean takes his shirt off. Take a shot every time he is shown working on his fitness, shirtless obviously.

I’m BAAACCK! Image: Buddy TV

While Sean’s been crying puppy dog tears and trying to deal with his new found fame, we discover his dad has been picking up Brad’s plaid me downs at Goodwill. I mean,  if anyone knows about Brad’s sloppy seconds it’s the Lowe family.

Side note part deux: When is Emily going to come back (again) as The Bachelorette? #runitback
Hey Robert Mills – make it happen. 

We end with one of the more ridiculous camera shots this show has ever filmed: Sean sulking on a beach while a couple celebrates their beach wedding in the distance. Brilliant. Bloody brilliant.

Enough of beach bum Sean, it’s time to move on with things. And who better to help Sean move on but Arie. Nothing like having a former reality show nemesis bro over for some brewskis before heading out on the hunt for love.

p.s. – did you all see Sean cutting up some strawberries to feed to his favorite man candy Arie? So sweet.

These guys can totally relate to one another because of course, “we both fell in love with the same girl and we both got our hearts broken by the same girl” and we both love v-necks. Brother from another mother. Totes.

The bros move from the kitchen to the patio where it’s time for some words of wisdom from good ‘ol Arie. So at first, I thought this sit down was one of the biggest man love moments on the show, then it turned kind of funny and then it got kind of brotastic. Especially when Sean asked Arie from kissing tips.

Now I know there are TONS more secondary embarrassing moments ahead but I may have to say this was the worst for me. It’s well documented around here how much I HATE HATE HATED watching Arie kiss Emily. The slurping noises, the aggressive face grabbing, the visible tongue fighting to figure out what she ate at her last meal. It. was. too. much.

So having to hear Arie give his pointers was one of the more horrid moments in my viewing history. I definitely yelled out “NO NO NO!” at the TV multiple times. When Arie demonstrated his hand technique, a little piece of my soul died. And I”ll never forget that I heard this line, “You’re kissing her with your whole body.” ENOUGH.

Just when I thought I couldn’t take it anymore, my man Chris Harrison steps in and save us. Happy New Year to you too CH! How I’ve missed your face! Seriously ABC, don’t keep this guy hidden up in a house on a hill. There’s got to be some parade or pageant or game show that CH can host during hiatus.

While I’m hoping aloud for some more one-on-one time with Chris, the producers have a different idea. Apparently we have to meet the ladies or something. Lame.

“Look at this stuff, isn’t it neat. Wouldn’t you say my collection’s complete?” Image: Buddy TV

* Desiree, 26: Ray (as her friends call her) or Desi (as I will call her) is a bridal stylist. This has all the making of a downward spiral but Desi doesn’t seem so bad. A little desperate but nothing too alarming… well that was until I heard her laugh. You can’t hide a crazy laugh.

* Tierra, 24: This gal has trouble written all over her. And not just drawn on like her eyebrows. Little lady couldn’t be more excited about Sean as The Bachelor. So excited that she’s filmed jumping up and down, yelling his name, all over her hometown. “He’s family oriented and that’s what I love about him.” Yikes a million.

Robyn, 26: Nerdy Engineer that loves gymnastics. ‘Nuff said.

Diana, 30: This momma of two is a hairstylist in Salt Lake City. She’s got to be friends with Michelle Money right? Kids + SLC + Bachelor = Besties. Here’s hoping.

Sarah, 26: Blondie advertising designer with one arm. Serious question from me – How do you send the girl with one arm home? Serious question from Drew – When he proposes, does the ring go on the right hand? Okay, we are the worst. Sorry about that. No but really, I like Sarah. She seems normal. That’s what it takes to be normal on this show, one arm.

Ashley: Oh Lord. Another hairstylist. What’s the deal with hairstylists on this show? Maybe they’re just planted to make sure the girls all have the perfect beach waves on every date. Oh wowser, while I was thinking about beach waves, Ashley’s been busy showing us her cats and revealing her 50 Shades of Gray obsession. Question: “Why am I single?” Answer: “I totally hope Seans rips my clothes off and spanks me.” Where do they find these people?

Leslee, 26: This gal means business. Political consultant from down south, living in DC. Doesn’t want any stinking nerds or politicians. Next best option, The Bachelor, obviously.

Kristy: Oh no. Another model. Kill us all now. model.

AshLee: A professional organizer with a penchant for getting teary eyed. Side note, can we talk about the way her name is spelled? Change that. Change it now.

But enough of that nonsense. We’ve all watched this enough times that we don’t need to watch a ton of footage of girls {working out, dancing in their time square, acting weird & quirky for the camera, telling their sob story, playing with their kiddos} to know what this group is made up. Time to meet these gals face to face.

I’m throwing in a twist/challenge for the intros. Rather than wax on about how crazy or ridiculous each girl is, I am going to try and some each of them up in three words (maybe four at times but definitely under five). Let the madness begin…

Limo Reveals

As sounds of “he’s SO cute!” “ahhhhh!!!!” “he’s so handsome” “I love him!” dance in our heads, we all settle down for our winter recap. (Sorry that was corny, cue your own secondary embarrassment for me. I couldn’t help it.)

Limo #1

“Here let me do that for you.” Image: Buddy TV

* AshLee F: Really that spelling?

* Jackeie, 25: Little Mermaid puckers up. (I’m counting Little Mermaid as one word.)

* Selma: Hottie wipes it off. (p.s. – doesn’t she look like a latin Ashley Greene?)

* Leslie H.: Ready for prom OR big mouth & busty.

* Daniella: Is that lingerie?

Limo # 2

* Kelly: Please don’t sing.

Katie: Curly Sue, Sun-Saluting Yogi

* Ashley: I definitely won’t be the first or last person to say this about Ashley but it’s pretty dead on: 50 Shades of Crazy.

Oh You. Image: ABC

* Taryn: Doesn’t watch The Bachelor(ette/Pad)?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

* Catherine: Seems pretty normal. (BORING!)

Limo # 3

* Robyn: Yikes. Failed Flip.

* Lacey:  Emily’s lacy twin.

* Paige:  Ran it back from BP3.

* Tierra:  Drama for days. OR Gets the Rose.

Love how Sean says that he “hopes it doesn’t create any tension.” Hey bud, are you as crazy as Tierra? No wonder you “clicked” immediately. These girls are gonna hate Tierra hardcore. Just wait for it.

Gotta pop in and give a prediction on Paige. If you didn’t watch Bachelor Pad 3, here’s the low down on little Paigey-Poo. Last season they invited 4 fans to compete on BP. It seemed like a fun idea except those fools got run out of the building real quick. Quickest of all? Our girl Paige. She seemed nice, sweet and mid-to-mildly normal but don’t be confused. This gal is NUTS and BEYOND desperate to make it on the show. She won’t get all drunk and stupid and she won’t come off as a conniving bia but don’t be fooled – Paige is crazy motivated to get on the show.

Limo # 4

* Amanda: Fit Model. Boo.

Side note: It has become insanely clear that the #1 requirement on Sean’s list was big boobs. All of these girls have yittums for days. Not hating, just appreciating.  Get it how you live Sean.

“I brought this as a gift. So you will remember that even when I’m crazy, I still love football. And that makes me a winner.” Image: Buddy TV

* Didn’t catch this girl’s name: Rest of dress?

* Desiree:  Pennies from heaven.

* Sarah:  Don’t look at her arm.

* Brooke:  Cute short hair.

* Diana: Michelle Money’s BFF

Three word break-in: So much boobage.

Lesley M.: Down. Set. Spike.

Limo # 5

* Kristy: No. More. Models. OR “Best from the Midwest.” BARF.

* Leslie: Nicki Minaj? (Take away the hair and they look EXACTLY alike.)

* Italian Leslie: Threats ≠ Love

* Lindsay: WHY WHY WHY? Or as you may remember her: Crazy Bride to Be.

Really? That’s it?

Gotta expand on Lindsay in that absurd wedding dress. First off, if you’re going to wear a wedding dress, try not to get the ugliest one on the rack at David’s Bridal. That thing was fug to the max. Second, don’t try and play off your crazy as having a “sense of humor.” Um, last time I checked, having a sense of humor meant telling a joke or doing something a little silly NOT dressing up like a bride on a show where you compete to find love. C’mon Lindsay, you broke the Secondary Embarrassment Cardinal Rule on the first episode: Keep Your Crazy Under Control. Amateur.

Oh and yikes a million when she has to go inside. Did she not think about that? First,  that EVERY girl will hate her for being so ridiculous and second, that you actually have to wear that dress for the 12-hour cocktail party.

NO NO NO NO! Image: Buddy TV

But before I can continue ranting on Lindsay (and watch her make an enormous fool of herself in the house), CH is on the scene with a SUPRESA! Lord knows I love a good surprise. One of the former contestants on CH’s speed dial gave him a ring and asked to “meet” Sean. Who can it be?

Before CH can even finish the sentence I am yelling “PLEASE TELL ME IT’S SHAWNTEL!” at the screen. I lunge for the remote control and violently fast-forward (thank god for DVR, I couldn’t deal with this show AND commercials), all the while begging out loud for it to be Shawntel… again.

Oh yay! One More! Image: Buddy TV

Unfortunately for me (and let’s be real, all of you because I get down on talking about the undertaker), it’s Kacie B looking like a smoking hottie in that see-through number. Kacie knew that if she was coming back, she needed to come strong and obviously that meant showing off the girls. It’s amazing that they’ve remained so big (wink, wink) despite the fact that she’s clearly lost about 25 lbs since her season. Why so skinny Kacie B? You were already a grade A cutie and now you just look a little scary skinny. I think you need to head back to Clarksville for some of Momma’s cooking.

Also, I cannot stop staring at her boob mole. Just thought I’d let you all know.

Well, now that the gang’s all here, it’s time to start the shenanigans aka binge drinking like sorority pledges at their first mixer. Just with less guys and “that girl” times 26.

Bottoms Up!
(No not like that, you dirty mind. I meant glasses not, you know.)

This is not some original thought but it must be shared, Sean is a living (well that’s debatable. he could be a ABC created robot… how awesome would that be? okay, sorry that got weird), breathing, anatomically correct Ken doll.  And now he’s standing in a room searching for his Barbie. This is going to be an American love story at its best.

Sean is super pumped to be standing in a room full of easy women all vying for his validation, attention and love. How do I know this? Because he says that word for word in his toast. (Aw I wish!) He washes down his mix of fear and excitement with a Corona in a glass (see that lime?) and he’s off on his “amazing adventure.”

Seriously with the presents? Image: Buddy TV

Another amazing adventure is also underway, Kacie B.’s quest to avoid having her eyes scratched out by Paige and all the other super fans who think it’s “SO UNFAAAAIRRRRRR” that she’s back for a second chance. I think they’re just mad they chose to wear their prom dress while Kacie B. got real (read: slutty) in her Vegas wear.

The cocktail party is always crazypalooza and it’s hard to recap it all so here are the low lights:

* Desiree, in a sea of uncomfortably crazy laughter, manages to win Sean over with her love of wedding dress design and showing off her na-na’s. He rewards this with the SECOND ROSE of the night.

Woah woah woah little buddy. ABC didn’t set up these rules for no reason. You can’t just start giving out roses willy nilly in an attempt to avoid the threat of mob murder at the rose ceremony. This show is based on a carefully crafted set of “rules” and breaking the rules is just “NO FAAAAAIIIIIRRRRRR.”

* Sean says F your rules and starts running around like the Pied Piper, doling out roses to whatever fair maiden crosses his path. He decides to channel his inner-Oprah (don’t we all want to?) and is just skipping through the house yelling “YOU GET A ROSE! AND YOU GET A ROSE AND YOU GET A ROSE!” It’s a twist I both love and hate. Hate because he is robbing us of the mental breakdown of at least 12 women over the course of the night. Love because he is making the five mental breakdowns we do get to see THAT MUCH BETTER.

* This is Paige at the cocktail party:

Always lurking, watching, waiting, look at the baby, look at the baby.

* Every few minutes we check in with Kacie who STILL hasn’t gotten a rose. This baffles her and also takes her back to that insecure place where girls on The Bachelor live for 9 weeks.

* Within minutes, Sierra, Robyn, The Little Mermaid and something like four other girls all have roses. Paige is SO MAD! This also spurs Tierra, Desiree and some other girl who got a rose to debate on who really got the “First Impression” rose. Um, WHO CARES? Apparently Tierra cares because it seems her eyebrows have begun to move independently from her face. This frightens me and I have to take cover behind a massive pillow cushion until it ends. I’m also filled with dread since it seems we’ll be stuck with this little darling for a while.

“Is this a bomb?” Image: Buddy TV

* Nicki Minaj does not get a rose.

* The girls catch on fast to Sean’s game and have formed a single-file line that moves and follows him to each section of the patio. So whenever a boob-evaluating session conversation ends, the first girl in line physically throws herself on top of Sean forcing him into a sit down.

* About this time is when we reach the drunk as a skunk portion of the show aka the good part. Yeah, Taryn is crying but why focus on the sad crazy when you can focus on the party crazy.

* Ashley is like a gift from up above sent down to The Bachelor to entertain us with her “that girl” antics, awesomely inappropriate dance moves and obsession with S&M. Not sure where the producers found this one but if there are more, please bring them out for Bachelor Pad (OMG, I just had a revelation. Please, please, please let this gal make it to the Pad. She would be a simple slice of perfection.)
Her one-on-one should have been one of those epic SE moments where I crawl under my couch and look for lost cheerios but instead I embraced it. I think that we’ve been on hiatus for so long that I couldn’t help but soak up and enjoy every stinking second of the train wreck happening before our eyes. It was poetry in motion. And by poetry, I mean the kind scrawled on the bathroom door at a skeazy college bar. “Bless her heart,” Yoga Jane says as the rest of the country nods in agreement.

Oh and you’re welcome for that video.

* Next stop on the crazy train is Lindsay aka the Blushing (from all the booze) Bride. Can’t help but love Sean a little when he calls her out: “We may have the same morals,” Lindsay says filled with hope and desperation (which are actually the same thing on this show). “But not the same drinking tolerance,” replies Sean with calm wit of someone who’s been there before and lived to remember tell the story.

* Last but not least, we’re filled with hope (the real kind) for Sarah. It would be like The Bachelor to make one of the most normal contestants the girl with one-arm. I even don’t mind her annoying Kourtney Kardashian voice. Sarah’s all down in the dumps, sad because she hasn’t gotten a rose yet. Don’t fret little Sarah, your Ken doll is here to sweep you off your feet and present a challenge never before seen in Bachelor history: What to hold? Your drink or the rose?

(Oh and don’t get all judgy here. Likely this is not the first time you’ve read secondary embarrassment and if it is, you’ve made it this far so don’t get offended now.)

* It’s time to close down this party and get ready for the real rose ceremony but not before some helpless sap says this classic, “These are the most perfect roses ever… and they came from Sean.” WOOF.

Rose Time

In one of the least dramatic rose ceremonies of all time (gah, i missed that bachelor franchise hyperbole), Sean has already shot most of his load and now only has seven more roses to give. The girls are sharply divided and it’s hard to imagine there wasn’t some sort of pushing, shoving and name calling as they arranged into their quest for love pyramids.

And the roses go to…

* Amanda: Pretty girl. Big mouth. Woah woah woah, make that HUGE mouth. (“I see you Sean,” says Drew in one of his rare but meaningful and gross comments.)

* Leslee M: Political Football Junkie for the win.

* Kacie B.: Well that’s a relief.

* Kristy: Boo the Midwest model.

* Daniella

OMG Paige is FUMING right now.

* Taryn: You can quit crying now honey.

Final rose and it goes to…..

Fingers crossed for crazy Paige!

* Lindsay: WHAT the WHAT? Wedding dress girl? No Way! There is only one word for this: Ridonkulous. Okay maybe two: Staged.

How in the WORLD did this girl get a rose? Image: Buddy TV

The walk of shame commences, one that Paige is all too familiar with. Bummer.

But enough of those sad sacks, it’s time to toast to {love, adventures, the possibility of motor boating!} Let the adventure begin!

And no premiere episode is complete without a look ahead/cheat sheet at the season. Here’s what it looks like it will be full of: Beach, boobs, beautiful babes, more boobs, bungees, boats, bitches, {neck} braces, bitterness, being bummed and bliss.

Side note: Did anyone see that wedding dress gal gets a HELICOPTER DATE!?! I’m happy that helicopters will be making a prominent return but really, with wedding dress girl. Consider me disappointed.

Last but not least, Ashley’s exit interview may be the best five minutes of footage ever captured by an ABC camera. Give that girl her own show. Now.

Okay, so what did you all think? Are you excited for this season? I must say that I’m pretty hype. It already is better than Ben’s season (he was the WORST!) and obviously the crazy force is way stronger in these gals than the men. I’m thinking we’re in store for some fun.

Who’s your favorite? Who did you wish got kicked off? Let’s talk!

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“The best news I’ve ever heard.” Love & Marriage on The Bachelorette Season 8 Finale

 

In case you missed it, last night was officially THE MOST DRAMATIC AND EMOTIONAL MOMENT IN THE HISTORY OF SUMMER TELEVISION. Making it slightly more dramatic than the finale of American Ninja Warrior.

ABC, obviously realizing the untapped gold mine they have in Chris Harrison, decided to go live this finale. Not just for the After the Rose special but with cut-ins and background sound (laugh track anyone?) all episode long. After experiencing the entire show, I’m not sure how I felt about it. I appreciated the laughter at times but definitely could have gone for less of the clap if you love Jef/Arie bits.

It’s just you and me now buddy. (Image: ABC/Roman Fransisco)

Anyways… we’re back in Curacao and I hope you all have mentally prepared for how insanely dramatic, emotional and shocking this episode is going to be.

Emily has moved from her sex suite to a more suitable family abode now that RICKY IS BACK! (Side note: did you all see how snug that red skirt was? Couldn’t they have added a slit or something to that puppy? She was struggling to get up those pool bridge stairs.)

So Little Ricky is back and she brought her fanny pack. Not hating at all. I was kinda digging Ricky’s yellow chevron fanny pack. Possessionista – any tips on where I can find that? (Also, I think it’s worth noting that I yelled “Get it Girl” at the TV when Ricky was acting all sassy. Cue your secondary embarrassment for me.)

Enough gushing on Ricky though, it’s time for the parentals to meet the dudes. So let’s get to it.

Meet the Maynards

First impressions of the Maynards:

  • Suzy: Loves ciggies. Loves being a blonde. Loves her baby girl. (in that order)
  • David: Loves Key West and using awesome country slang. (love him)
  • Ernie: Not here to mess around. Stone cold and ready to grill the dudes. p.s. – he also looks like this guy. (definitely more relevant if you’ve ever been to the KY State Fair, which I’m guessing is very few of you)

Freddy the Farmer or Ernie’s Giant Twin Brother

Kicking it Old School with Jef

Jef is up first and he’s clearly dressed up for the introductions. That is if dressing like a girlier version of James Dean is dressed up. But this get up impresses Emily who thinks he “looks nice.” Props to Jef for bringing flowers for the ladies though. It may even excuse the converse.

After some general chit-chat, which basically was Jef gushing about Emily, it’s time for Suz to get her one-on-one with Jef. Suzy let’s us know that ole dirty dog Brad “stole her heart” (and all her family’s plaid hunting gear) so she’s a little weary of letting another guy into the fam. Especially when it involves being a daddy to “little Ricky” (how HYPE were you all when she said that? I was LOVING it).  But Jef is ready for this, so he basically recites the love letter he wrote to Emily. Suz decides that Jef is alright and heads out back to smoke a ciggy.

Next up is the grilling from Ernie. If I’m Ernie I’m wondering how in the hell my sister ended up with the white Bruno Mars (scratch that, Ernie definitely doesn’t know who Bruno Mars is). He acts some questions while staring a whole in that up do before letting Jef off the hook. But not before throwing in the dagger about how much the fam all loved the original Ricky. No pressure bud.

Last but not least it’s time for Daddy Maynard who I already LOVE because he is sporting a Key West fishing shirt. Anyone who loves Key West is alright in my book. I’m already digging him when I hear him say to Jef, “Let’s get in here with some air conditionin’.” This guy is great. I’m guessing we got the very condensed version of this talk because within 30 seconds Poppa M is giving Jef the seal of approval to marry his girl.

And that’s how Jef won over the Maynards. Poems, professing love and digging the AC. As much as I hate to admit it, at this point I’m #teamjef

Jef’s surprising win with the family sends Emily into a tizzy. They loved Jef but will they love Arie? Will I ever actually use this fan I’ve been carrying around for weeks? Do you think my parents will get uncomfortable watching Arie & I neck for 20 minutes? So many questions, time to get some answers.

Around the world in 80 (sloppy) kisses.

Arie’s on the scene and it appears he and Jef both decided that dressing down (WAY DOWN) was the way to the Maynard’s hearts (what they didn’t realize is that a fishing shirt was the way but that’s neither here nor there).

I guess it’s because he’s head over heels in love but the goofy, dopey face Arie always makes has got to go (along with that 3/4 length Henley tee). He and Emily meet up for a quick sloppy kiss before heading inside to the firing squad.

Side note: Does Ernie know he’s in Curacao? Loosen up buddy… borrow one of Pops’ fishing shirts and throw on some shorts. It’s a vacation!

So the crew welcomes Arie into the living room and immediately wants him to leave after he awkwardly talks for the first 5 minutes (okay, maybe that’s just me). He admits to not fishing (strike one) but loving kissing Emily more than anything.

Suzy finally breaks up the awkwardness by inviting Arie back to her fantasy suite. Their convo is pretty standard with Momma Bear laying on thick the need for a daddy in Little Ricky’s life (side note: who is watching my girl Ricky?). Arie says he’s ready to be a daddy since he’s been on the single mom dating circuit for years (strike two). The convo concludes with a quick make out session and a ciggy.

Once again, Ernie is up next. He wants to hate Arie but his charm and full head of hair, in the end, win Ernie over too.

“After talking with Arie, I’m confused,” says Ernie who I’m guessing is confused as to why his sister is going to end up with one of these sissies.

Daddy Maynard is up last (once again sporting a Key West fishing shirt!) and he;s not so quick to give the blessing this time. But after playing hard to get, he finally gives it (and tells him “Boy, you better learn to fish if you want a place in this family.”)

With the much-needed blessing, Arie is ready to get his shop on with Neil Lane but not before a few more LOUD, SLOPPY KISSES. (Why why why are they so loud?)

Let’s Talk it Over

With the meet and greets over, Emily needs her family’s help deciding which guy is for her. But they’re all “you got yourself into this mess” and don’t give her a clear winner. So she’s left to decide on her own. Well, thanks a lot family – some help you were. You got a sweet ass vacation for free and you can’t even help a sister/daughter out? (Like they care, they just came to do some fishing.)

Decision Making Time

Since her family was no help at all, Emily needs to go on one last date with the guys to see which one she’s like to swap spit with for the rest of her days.

Jef is up first and he’s once again sporting one of his favorite Gap Pocket Tees. They head out for a walk along the beach where they can talk about their feelings and watch each others’ hair (mainly Jef’s) blow in the wind.

They site down and the convo goes like this:

Jef: I like, really, like need to like to meet Ricky. Like soon to know if I like want to marry you and like spend the rest of like my days with you.

Emily: Um (runs tongue over teeth) I know it’s really important for you to meet Ricky (pulls back that one piece of hair and tucks it no where) but I’m nervous (purses lips together). But since we’re possibly going to get married (pulls that piece of hair back again), let’s meet that little rug rat of mine.

And so they do.

They creep on Ricky while she’s swimming with one of her nanny (who disappears once Jef & Emily arrive). Surprise Ricky! It’s your new Daddy (or Daddy option #1).

Not gonna lie, Jef is really cute/sweet with Ricky. They kick it in the pool while Emily attempts to keep her extensions dry. It’s like their little family was meant to be. Even Monkey can’t resist Jef’s charm (and amazing puppetry skills).

Jef, Ricky, Emily & Monkey = Besties. (Image: Buddy TV)

Seems like Ricky (and her fanny pack) are on #teamjef too (did you see her try to go in for a hug but JEf kinda freaked out and went for a high-five?)  Maybe time to call this one.

They end their time together with a “dinner” date where Jef presents Emily with a gift. Oh NO! Please don’t tell me it’s a scrap-book. Just when I’ve started to like you Jef.

Ah but my fears are put aside when I see that it’s just a nice book of Curacao that Jef has vandalized with little stick people (okay it was kinda cute). Emily is a smitten kitten and we know it’s love because ABC has cued up Track 8: EPIC LOVE!

We break for some lame ass audience interviews before we’re back….

… for a sit down with Chris Harrison. Wowser, this sounds like it’s going to be some serious business.

Emily says that after introducing Jef to Ricky she knew that he was the one for her. She loves kissing Arie too but he’s just not her forever guy. (WOOO HOOO! I scream out loud almost waking my sleeping child.) CH makes sure this is the decision she wants to make (I mean he did see them open mouth kiss approximately 2435435452343242398 times). Emily is sure and she wants to end it today. Ruh Roh. This is gonna be awkward.

Drew has already buried his head in his blanket when Arie comes on-screen for what has to be the most awkward, secondary embarrassment-laden one-on-one in Bachelorette history (see what i did there? gotta love some hyperbole).

Arie tells us all that he is getting engaged tomorrow. He’s found the love of his life, his soul mate and the mother of his future children. Except he didn’t…. typing this now, the SE is setting in. I am fighting the urge to crawl under my desk and pretend this whole thing never happened. He goes on to say, “The moment when Emily can look into my eyes and tell me how she really feels is going to feel so good.” YIKES. No it’s not.Trust me – It’s not going to feel even a little good at all.

Emily is “heart-broken” mostly because she’s realized that her kissing escapades must finally come to an end.

To make matters worse, the producers let Arie proceed with their date without Emily. He is making a love potion. Yes, really. Just when you thought this couldn’t get any more painful to watch, they have the dude concoct his own love potion. Better hang on to that buddy cause you’re going to need it.

Emily finally arrives and Arie is ready to sprinkle his love potion all over her (eww not like that you dirty minds!). At this point, Drew has taken refuge in our laundry room. Voluntarily changing laundry just to avoid this awfulness.

The break up is written all over Emily’s face but Arie can’t see it (I blame the love potion). He is all excited and proudly presents the potion. Emily even lets him rub it on her arm (NO NO NO!) and goes through the motions on him complimenting her bird necklace before telling him they need to talk.

oh god oh god oh god… my secondary embarrassment is at an all time high. I think this may be worse than Ben’s proposal gone wrong. 

“It smells like I’m dumping you.”

I don’t remember exactly how Emily breaks it down (mostly because I was covered in SE hives and hiding behind my computer for cover) but she basically says “it’s not you, it’s Jef.” He’s all pissed that a dude with only one F in his name is beating him at this kissing contest. But I’ll give old dude credit. Other than the horrible, “What did I do?” He keeps his dignity intact and gets out of there quick. ‘Thank you for sparing me the embarrassment of proposing tomorrow,” he says while all of America agrees.

Emily wants to hash it out but Arie is all “i’m fiiiinnnne” and runs into the awaiting car.

And just like that, it’s over. I feel like ABC should show the montage of kisses now but that may be in poor taste.

Arie keeps it together, kinda, in the car giving the standard, “I feel naive, I feel stupid… I didn’t deserve this.” schpeel.

After Emily reflects on her decision in a puddle of muddy water, we cut to the audience. OK C’MON PEOPLE. Are they serious? No body died. The expressions on the audiences faces are totally ridiculous. You’d think someone just killed all their cats. It’s the exact opposite of the “YOU GET A CAR! YOU GET A CAR!” scene from Oprah. I can’t help but laugh out loud. Looking back, I think that laugh really helped me recover from that overdose of SE. Thanks ABC.

Let’s Get Married

Before we can get to the proposal, we get to catch up with the most boring Bachelorette ever – Ashley and her hunka hunka buring love of a man JP (gah he’s hot). We also get to see what Ashley Spivey is working with. Get. It. Girl. Did you all see that booty? Did she get new boobs? Either way her body is smoking. Here’s hoping she’s on Bachelor Pad next year.

The proposal day goes pretty standard. Mommy and Ricky do some journaling in their PJ’s while Jef meets up with Neil Lane to pick out the goodies.

I’m thinking we should try to incorporate Neil into the show more. This guy is gold (no pun intended). The ring “Jef picks” (you know Emily picked all those out before) is stunning and more importantly, free.

Jef throws on his new J.Crew hipster suit while Emily throws on the dress she wore to compete for the Miss North Carolina 2004 pageant.

As we wait, Drew points out that Jef & Emily can share skinny jeans which has got to be one of the reasons they make such a perfect pair.

Emily takes her place… at the city square. Wait, what? I’ve definitely seen at least 3 different beaches used for filming in Curacao. Couldn’t they use one of those instead of a random street corner. (Side note: some of those shutters in the background were fake props. That doesn’t really add or take away from anything, just wanted to point it out.)

Chris greets Jef before officially ending his time as his spirit guide. You’re on your own now little hipster, fly fly away!

Jef takes his place on the risers with Emily and awaits his fate. But it’s good news. Arie is gone, Ricky loves you and we’re gonna be together forever (or at least for the next 6 to 18 months)!

They share their feelings (gah we get it already!) and Jef gets down on one knee to propose. Now here’s the big question – will Emily say yes? She’d hinted that she wasn’t ready to get married. After a seriously long pause (while she mentally priced the ring), she says yes!

And then it happens…. This song happens.

Because doesn’t The Karate Kid II really say true love to you?

I’d really love to know the thought process around selecting this song. I’m both embarrassed and seriously happy to hear it. That’s how I’ll always remember these two … to the sounds of Mr. Mikayki.

Cheers to Jef & Emily! And Cheers to wrapping up another season! Now really… who’s excited for Bachelor Pad!?!?!

“it’s a beautiful night, we’re looking for something dumb to do. Hey Baby, I think I want to marry you!”

 

 

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