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The one where we finally ride in a helicopter. The Bachelorette Season 7 Episode 9 Recap

So can we all agree and say last night’s episode was a leeetle too drawn out. When we get to the very end of the season (hallelujah!) filling two hours can seem a little forced and when you add in the fact that it’s Ashley we’re watching, well it is forced. But alas, I stuck it out and have decided to awake at the crack of dawn to bring you the recap a little earlier. Let me know what you think of the earlier edition (1. because I heart comments 2. because I’m not sure if it will be as good without at least one cup of coffee in my system).

So we’re in Fiji – is this the same resort they go to every year? Sure looks like it. Either way, if you and your honey are looking for a Bachelorette style get away, it can be yours here. In case you weren’t aware Ashley tells us, “Fiji is a set of islands in the South Pacific.” Well thanks for the geography lesson Ash. I’m guessing Ames dropped that knowledge bomb on you and you just had to share it with all of us. Then an ocean lends a geyser like spray of water into the air which I’m guessing is the producers (and nature) letting us know that Ashley’s love will explode on this episode.

Up until this point, Ashley has made a habit of wearing tops as dresses, now we see her mixing it up and using tops as skirts. Either way, she’s not going to let a beach trip to Fiji stop her from wearing her favorite 9 inch heels. Sand shmand.

Ashley then provides us with an unnecessary recap of the final three aka the twins and JP. I pay very little attention here (since it feels like I’ve seen this montage at least 3 times already) with the exception of commenting on how much I love Consty’s family and gushing on JP’s sequence (during which I catch myself awkwardly smiling at the screen, SE much). I feel it is worth noting here that I am actually proud of Ashley for being able to keep JP around to the end. Nice work little lady.

We’re back in Fiji where Ashley, dressed in her standard Flashdance attire (really, how many off-the-shoulder tops can one girl own?), contemplatively reflects by the ocean. This moment of clarity is followed by some journaling at which point Drew pips in with his insightful comment of the show, “She really is 15.” Yes, yes she is. This comment also sets a tone for this episode during which we’re reminded far too often how much Ashley is a 15-year-old girl trapped in a 17-year-old body.

One last recap of the journey and then we’re off! Except we’re NOT! Duh Duh Duh.

What the What?

When we return from the break, the producers have gone all handheld camera on us. The music, editing and ugly flip-flops cue the arrival of the ominous swamp monster that is Ryan. So long happy sun-loving dude and hello creepy, scary, psycho axe murderer. The producers surely hate Ashley if they are allowing this creeper (who’s clearly one wrong word away from a mental break) to come back and kill her.

She invites Ryan into the villa and I yell ‘NO!’ instinctively at the TV. Doesn’t she know you never let the scary bad man inside?

This is definitely not the kind of surprise Ashley was looking for and she looks about as awkward as I feel, so I’m thinking for this short moment we may have something in common. Ry, as Ashley as now taken to calling him, strings together a creepy monologue that includes Thai chi and something about not being able to get back to his sun-sacrificing.

I am sooooo (I really hate having to add all those extra O’s but there is absolutely no other way to describe my feelings) weirded out. The desperation is making me physically ill (which is good for Drew since he gets everything I am now too sick to eat for dinner). When Ryan says “Call me crazy.” I do and then pick up my phone and make a call requesting he be taken in for evaluations. The secondary embarrassment that they’ve crammed into these few minutes is insane. This is the kind of SE that gives me anxiety and I just want it to end.

I think Ryan can sense that Ashley (and all of America) is creeped out so he let’s her know he’s made a little vacay of his trip halfway around the world and that she can find him in his room where unbeknownst to us, he will wait, alone until Ashley comes to see him. Then he’s gone and left to creep out the producers and the hotel staff. It’s raining as he leaves and I wonder if it’s symbolic.

Now back to our regularly scheduled Bachelorette.

Date #1  aka It’s about damn time we were on a yacht.

Ashley waves excitedly to Ben like the 15-year-old that she is. Despite saying that he’s really excited, it’s hard to believe when his voice sounds like he is being forced to walk the plank (yup, I just made a pirate reference. Not really sure where that came from bu I like it). I know I’ve noticed it in the last couple episodes but has he been this monotone all season? I think I must have just been distracted by his normalcy.

Ashley tells Ben they’ll be going on a boat ride and Ben asks if it’s the lame dingy tied up to the dock (which is not an odd question since they haven’t really done anything cool on dates all season). Ashley let’s Ben know that the producers have finally let her play with the big boy toys and they will be cruising in style on a yacht! I thought they had all but eliminated nice things from Ashley’s season. Looks like they were just holding back on us.

All aboard where these two act like a pair of kids. They shout “you go first” in unison, then yell “jinx”, begin giggling and then grab their kiddie cocktails from TGI Fridays.

The theme of this date is agreement. They have made a pact in advance to agree on EVERYTHING and it is exhausting. This agreement even extends to the color of their clothes. Barf. After a day of lathering each other up in sunscreen (Ashley got a little suggestive in her positioning here, not sure how I feel about it), snorkeling and canoodling, these two are spent. Honestly, I would go into more detail on their date but it’s not really necessary. Imagine letting the annoying cheerleader from 1st period sophomore year and her strange but cute boyfriend on a yacht. That is what it was like.

You missed a spot.

They both agree (I know, it’s so weird that they would agree) that today was their “best day ever” and then it’s time for dinner and by dinner, I mean the pre-fantasy suite portion of their date.

Ben borrows one of JP’s v-neck tees (Wait, is that thing Mesh? And a Sweater? Yikes!) and awkwardly open his arms wide for a big Ben hug. Ashley accepts because she knows that a big Ben hug is the first in a series of embraces that will occur on fantasy suite night. It is worth noting that for once, I actually like what Ashley is wearing. Please don’t judge me.

Ben is getting all mushy and his nervousness is translating to weird awkwardness at dinner. It’s even more awkward with accompanied by sad piano music.”That’s why i have this grin on my face. I’m quite happy.” He’s saying this but his face says pained sadness.Could have fooled me Ben.

He has decided that tonight is the night to tell Ash that he la,la,la loves her. But the conversation leading up to the awkward one-sided I love you (did you all know that Ashley isn’t allowed to say ‘I Love You’ back? I had no idea but Drew has known all along. I guess only one of us has been paying attention to the “rules) is making me cringe. I feel the onset of  SE goosebumps and cover my face in horror. Ben is dancing around it and I don’t want him to say it  and yet i do because I just want it to end (which is probably what you’re feeling about this blog post). It’s like waiting for a shot at the doctor’s office –  you know its going to be horrible but you also just want it to be over.

“You know, I’m on my way to, you know, the whole I love you thing.” Did he just hiccup in the middle of that? Did that count as I love you? Woof, this whole conversation is painstakingly awful.

ABC puts us out of our misery and cuts to Ashley who says “I’m hoping tonight Ben will show me how he feels.” Which translates to “I hope we get it on tonight in the fantasy suite.” We cut back to Ashley pulling out the envelope and seductively reading it (like she really needs to try that hard). Ben accepts, duh and it’s on.

Before getting down to business Ben decides that the little hiccup of an I love you was an uncontrolled outburst, not the actual phrase and that he is going to hold back the real thing. Whatever, just get out of here and into the fantasy suite.

I still can't believe you can carry me!

After a 30 second dip in the pool, Ben carries (I know, I can’t believe he can carry her either) Ashley inside to make whoopie (yup, I just said whoopie and I liked it).

Date #2 aka It’s about damn time we flew in a helicopter.

We return to the horror of Ashley’s latest ensemble. Not only does she act like a 15-year-old, she dresses like one, a loose one at that.

Behold. My bare midriff!

It’s Consty date time which thankfully, also means it’s helicopter time. I thought maybe ABC had called off all helicopter flights after their excessive use last season but it’s good to have them back. Can’t say I wasn’t disappointed that instead of a plethora of helicopter, rappelling and yacht dates, this season we got to see a lot of markets, picnics and back alleys. I had almost given up hope but there must not be any markets or back-alleys in Fiji to try to lose Ashley in.

This date is already better than the one with Ben since Consty has the ability to show emotion. One laugh and he’s set himself apart from his twin. This joy is abruptly ended end they cut to one of the more frightening moments in the history of The Bachelorette. Ryan is standing alone on the beach watching the helicopter from below. Watching, waiting, plotting. I am seriously nervous for their safety and by their, I mean JP.

Creepy.

Consty and Ash arrive at a waterfall (jeez, they saved EVERYTHING good for this one episode) which Ash says they will be jumping from. I’m thinking this is gonna be awesome until I find out they are jumping from a high-dive level ledge under the waterfall. Waah, Waaaa.

Consty takes the “leap of faith” Ashley’s been waiting for by jumping from the ledge (with his shoes on?). We know this is a serious accomplishment because it is accompanied by the serious accomplishment music.

Fun fact: Consty looked at 108 houses before buying one. First, who knew there were that many houses in Cumming, GA? Second, Consty is a picky guy, which I respect.  It’s also good that he knows people are more dynamic than houses. Well yeah, you can also sleep with people rather than in one. Okay, never mind that came out dirty. Moving on.

It’s dinner time and Consty, while not dressed to the nines, is looking better than his mesh-loving twin. Dinner starts and it’s clear – Consty doesn’t really like Ashley that much. This date is not very romantical and within moments the writing is on the wall – Consty doesn’t want to propose next week, he doesn’t want to kick it in the fantasy suite (and all that it “implies”) and last but not least he does not want another rose. He does this all in the guise of saying he respects her too much to continue moving forward but Ashley knows what this means and she starts dropping insecurity bombs left and right.

Just when he’s about to cut President Obama breaks in for some important address on the national debt crisis. Doesn’t the Prez know that Ashley’s journey to find her one true love is way more important than our credit limit and the financial health of our nation? GAH. 

I’m about to get on my soap box when I realize we are behind on our DVR and I can fast-forward through this (oh quit your judging, you just wish you could have fast-forwarded too). 

And we’re back to this nightmare of a dinner date.

Consty is dunzo and not cause Ashley is sending him home. Another dude packing his bags and telling Ashley they’re just not that into her. There have been quite a few guys who have said sayonara early this season – is this a new record? Ashley stepping up her game and running everyone off!

So Consty packs up his toiletries and heads back to Cumming (what he couldn’t stay one more night? jeez!) while Ashley sits alone at dinner and read about what could have been in the fantasy suite.

Side note: Can we talk about how they put an actual, old-fashioned key in the envelope. Is there still a hotel on this planet that uses keys like that? Especially one as nice as this. C’mon CH.

What do you think this opens?

After counting to 100, Ashley finally gets up and sulks back to the fantasy suite (Big door. Little Ashley), drowns her sorrows in champagne and covers herself in a blanket of insecurity.

When she wakes up, she has a new resolve. She will make these dudes prove they are there for her! And in the mean time, she will boost her spirits by visiting Ryan who will, literally, beg for her affection. Just the kind of pick-me-up Ash needs to get the day started.

Rendezvous with Ryan

So I know people have been telling me for a while now, but I never noticed how bow-legged Ashley really is until this walk to Ryan’s chickee hut. She arrives and bites her nails in nervous anticipation (“What if even HE doesn’t like me?”). Ryan couldn’t be happier to see Ashley mostly because his self-induced seclusion in his room is finally over.

The two throw compliments back and forth to help boost their egos and once Ashley is finally feeling better about herself she breaks it down to Ryan. Ryan’s odd, scary smile (that hides the craziness beneath) breaks when she tells him that there is no spark, no romance. Ryan yells “Nuh-uh!” but Ashley holds strong and tells him it’s over.

Yeah, not so much.

All along we knew that Ryan was just one goodbye away from a total meltdown and here it is. The break-up is even worse the second time around and I think Ry is considering flinging himself over the balcony and into the ocean for good. The producers talk him down from that but then he spirals into a Howard Hughesian (you know, the guy Leonardo played in The Aviator) rant “It’ll happen, It’ll happen…. It’ll happen. It’ll happen.” I want to hide my entire being and fight the SE but I am way too concerned for his mental stability. Is there suicide watch in Figi?

It'll happen. It'll happen.

Date 3 aka The One with the Bi-Plane. 

I like how they save JP for the end every time. They know that he is all we are interested in and therefore make us sit through all the crapola to get to the good stuff.

If you didn’t know that Ashley was head over heels in love with JP, you should be full aware after she squealed his name in excitement like the 15 year-old that she is – JAAAAAAAYYYYY PEEEEEEEE!

They smooch and I realize that Drew has the same shirt that JP is wearing. It’s official I’m married to a hipster.

ABC continues to make up for the season of lackluster dates and takes us on a bi-plane ride. And these two love birds take flight just like their romance. Know how I know that? The music. This track is from the “Epic Love Greatest Hits (Instrumental Version)” I think it’s track 6 – “The flight to true love.”

These two paw at each other on the beach while I wonder aloud how long it will take for JP to take off his shirt. It takes WAY too long but it happens. Since the anticipation for that is over all I can do is wonder how long we’ll have to watch them open mouth kiss in the ocean.

Ashley spends the entire date trying to get JP to say ‘I love you.’ And while he refuses to say the words, the giddy, googly-eyed look on his face shows that the feeling is there.

It’s time for dinner and by dinner, I mean the 15 minutes before the fantasy suite.

JP tells Ashley he had an incredible day to which totally shocks and surprises Ashley. “What? You had fun with ME? It must have been because we’re in Fiji right?”

These two awkwardly grope while Ashley tells JP that two people have gone home this week. This makes JP beam with excitement until she burst the bubble and tells him that Ryan came back.  JP is on a roll of being cute and fun and awesome until he goes and says the dreaded B word.

I think this is where things get kind of serious. This is always the part where I tune out and check twitter or get a snack. All I hear is slow, thoughtful piano music and JP saying something about making Ashley his wife. Whatevs, when are you two heading to the fantasy suite?

Let's do this.

The card finally appears and Ashley tries to be sneaky about giving it to JP. He is thrilled with all the FS implies and it’s on. “This is what the past few months have led up to…” the sexy time.

“Are you excited?” Ashley says (because she is excited about EVERYTHING). Uh duh he’s excited.

Ashley changes into a men’s button down which I think is her code for let’s do this. They start open mouth kissing and I am ready to leave now.  Let’s close the doors and leave these two with their weird hand positions and slobbery kisses. (Since we all know that JP wins, do you think she is this annoying in real life with him?)

Unnecessary Rose Ceremony 

I’m gonna make this part quick cause lord knows this has been a LONG post. CH and Ash sit down for their one-on-one and here’s all you need to know. Ole girl is insecure as hell so she is going to make sure the guys want to be there during the rose ceremony. Got it.

It’s raining, once again, at her rose ceremony.  Do you think the constant rose ceremony rain is a sign from the gods?  (or was that sentence a sign from the gods that I’ve been watching too much ‘Rome’ on Netflix?)

Both dudes accept the roses (uh duh) since it would make them look pretty lame to turn her down right after they made whoopie in the fantasy suite.

We close with the incredibly awkward final three champagne toast. Did you all get uncomfortable watching Ashley try to pay attention to both of them? If I was Ben or JP, I’d get my toast on and be out of there quick!

Yay! You still like me!

Well we made it through another week. Only one more episode left. Can you believe it? I thought we might not make it (I don’t think some of you did, the readership has declined throughout the season. I’m blaming that on Ashley and not my writing – it’s my blog. I do what I want).  Men Tell All Special Sunday and then the Finale Monday!

And then it’s Bachelor Pad!

Next week it’s all kissing, mean coupon lady and long dresses. Until then… stay tuned!

Wait hold on. Why do they save all the funny/extra weird stuff for the very end. Good to know Ashley has a foot fetish but really – I  wish they would show some of this funnier/sillier/slightly more normal (okay not the foot thing but the actual real conversation) stuff for the show.

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‘Love in the Wild’ Episode 2 Recap: A Match Made in Jungle Heaven.

Note: For some reason, you can’t get pictures off of NBC’s site. So I apologize in advance for the lame pics. 

So summer TV has been pretty bleak for me this week. I literally had nothing to watch until Wednesday at 10 pm, at which point I had everything to watch: Love in the Wild, The Challenge: Rivals AND Toddlers & Tiaras. What is a girl to do?

I’ve decided to go with the network fare first, so Love in the Wild it is. I’m also quite happy that I will be heading home to a full DVR and not re-runs of Flipping Out and Million Dollar Decorators (or whatever else Bravo is showing these days).

The adventure begins with a derigeur montage. Let me start by saying that a montage narrated by an Aussie is much better than a standard montage. Also a montage with hot tub scenes from the first episode is always a good sign. Although, I will say from the start that this week’s episode left me with a ‘meh’ feeling. I’m glad last week’s episode was a bit better but I am hopeful that Love in the Wild can hit its stride once the number of contestants goes down a little bit.

Nine Couples remain. Let’s get wild.

Ben - is that you?

Since almost everyone switched partners last week, the episode kicks off with the awkward moving out scenes. The bimbos pack up their halter tops and dudes wad up their tight tees and head on over to their new rooms. During the switch, Ben pretty much sums up his life by saying, “Some girls would say I’m the nicest guy ever. Some girls would say I’m the biggest dick they’ve ever met.” Agreed Ben. What I want to know is the ratio of nice guy: dick. I am going to say 90:10. He kind of reminds me of a grown-up Bobby from “Bobby’s World” the seminal 90’s cartoon voiced by reality-tv judge Howie Mandel. This resemblance creeps me out and any part of me that was going to give him a chance, is now too scared to comment.

A lot of these couples have barely spoken, so what better way to get to know someone than to share a be with them on the first night. I believe in college this is called a night at the bars.

Fun things we learn during the move – the black guy turned out to the be the surfer dude. I totally had the Geico caveman pegged as the surfer but once Jason said he was “stoked” about sharing his room with Erica, he locked that up. I’m also pretty sure that Erica may be a little crazy and that Vanessa is, for sure, A LOT crazy.

This is confirmed when she says, “I think Steele and I are the best matched couple. He’s tall dark and handsome and I look like a cross between a fat cat and an old Eva Longoria.” Okay, so maybe she didn’t say that last part but the majority of that is straight from the cat’s mouth.  She takes it over the line when she tells us that she wants two boys and a girl (in that order, in case you were wondering)  and it would be great to have that with someone like Steele. COOO KOOO.

Now on the important stuff, hanging in the hot tub. As desperation steams off the jacuzzi, Steele discovers why the season fall is so named. This bit of knowledge he drops on Kym clearly knocks her socks (or top – but that’s later) off.  Her clear amazement gives us a look into how dumb she actually is. I’m just hoping (for their sake) that the hot water is messing with their brains (Wishful thinking, I know). How this guy is a professional anything amazes and frightens me at the same time.

Adventure Time. Bridge Maze.

Me Caveman. Me Likey.

I’m going to take a quick break from mocking to tell you all how much I adore this host. Darren is no-nonsense. He lets the contestants know that if they fall to their deaths in the bridge maze (is this a real possibility?) that they can die as a couple. This is because they will be tied together. See this is the kind of honesty I’ve been looking for in reality TV (also the kind of treatment I’ve been expecting for the contestants. Wait what? They won’t fall to their death. aw hell.)

Basically, I think the producers just think of ways to get these couples to annoy the shit out of each other. Here’s an idea. Let’s tether them together and make them climb all kinds of crazy high bridges and then let’s make it a maze and not give them maps. And finally…. we’ll make them race! I can just see them all sitting around a table nodding proudly in agreement.

If the couple can accomplish all of this without gouging their partner’s eyes out, they get to spend a night in the fantasy suite (or whatever they call it on this show).

This whole adventure kind of bored me. So here is a bulleted re-cap:

  • Team Kym/Adam are seriously made for this show. He has a giraffe neck and she has monkey ears. They are a perfect pair.
  • Jason and Erica are NOT a perfect pair. He is polite, friendly and mildly normal. She is bossy, easily annoyed and bitchy. Woof.
  • Brandee is Peyton from Bachelor Pad’s long-lost sister.
  • Ben sucks.
  • Derek is a big scaredy cat (and screams like a little girl) and Jessica is a sassy, nonsense broad. I like her.
  • Vanessa continues her quest to be the craziest cat lady on reality tv. She also compares Steele to Dr. Jeckyl and Ms. Hyde. Yup, she for real said that.
  • Vanessa and Steele are no longer in love (in Vanessa’s imaginative mind). Their 2 day long love-story is officially over.
  • Skip is tight and cool. Mostly because he knows he is all brawn and no brains (his words not mine). I appreciate his honesty.
  • Peter is 100% Geico Caveman.
  • Kym should not wear her hair in a ponytail. Ever.

Bats & Bimbos

So the jungle bunnies Kym and Kyle win the race. The rest of the jokesters fall in line somewhere behind them with Vanessa and Steele bringing up the rear.

Kym and Kyle head off to the fantasy suite while the rest of the group heads back to camp.  At the fantasy suite, Kym and Kyle decide to dress up for dinner which translates to slut as “so you’re saying there’s a chance.”

At dinner these two find out they have absolutely nothing in common. She likes dogs (I still contend that yorkies should really count as dogs) while Kyle, surprisingly likes cats. He wants kids, she’s not having any rugrats. Actually, she says she doubts she’ll ever be mature enough for them. I wholeheartedly agree. Don’t do it Kym. We don’t need any more reality tv peeps procreating. Teen Mom, Toddlers & Tiaras and The Duggars are taking care of that for us.

While Kyle finds all of their differences appealing (translation: are we hooking up tonight or what?), Kym is not having it (translation: no way jose).

Back at the ranch. Erica continues to hate Jason. Derek and Jessica smooch in the hammock. And Steele and Vanessa decide they officially hate each other. All the while, Ben continues to annoy everyone including Brandee  aka his only hope. On the brighter side, Miles impresses Heather with a jungle picnic where we learn that Miles is an experienced slap the bag player (isn’t that what it means when you say you like boxed wine?).

After sobbing about how she “deserves” love (why do all people on dating shows say that?), Vanessa decides to get her cat face under control and find some men to dig her claws into (sorry for all the cat puns, i can’t help it). She finds Peter and the two if them decide that they are the least attractive people on the show and therefore, should pair up. This strategy is a good one and worked for that wonky eyed weirdo on Paradise Hotel 2 a few years back. This might be the best thing these two have done so far.

The And once again, LITW is picking up where the Bachelorette disappoints. They are going on helicopter ride!

Returning to the fantasy suite, our jungle duo pack up to prepare for their helicopter ride. THANK YOU LOVE IN THE WILD. I was seriously going through helicopter ride withdrawal. In her quest to totally ruin The Bachelorette, it appears Ashley H. has eliminated helicopter dates. What a bia.

Kym continues dropping truth by pointing out that Costa Rica is nothing like Boston. Ya think? What was it  – the mountains? The lush green landscapes? The JUNGLE?

Rather than make this a nice date, Kym decides to make s**t as awkward as possible and tells chin strap that she will not be in feed of his services anymore and that she would rather settle with the guy names after a building material.

Did anyone else notice how big of a bia Kym was on this whole date? She was rolling her eyes every other second and making that dumb face 14-year-old girls make when their mom embarrasses them. If I was Kyle, I would have been like – “hey monkey ears. I did you a favor and I won’t forget this snub when you are wasting away in the single line at elimination.” Instead, he acts dumb and tells her he would team up with her again. So yeah, it’s awkward.

Is this too tight?

Elimination Time aka The Swap Meet.

Girl gets to choose first this time around. Remember that Kym and Kyle can pick whoever they like and that person cannot say no. Everyone else is a crap shoot.

Kym’s up. She decides to swing on over to Steele. So we ‘ve got another jungle duo. A  little monkey-eared Kym and the big gorilla Steele. A match made in marsupial heaven.

Kyle picks Heather much to her chagrin. She was loving her some Miles.

Jess (who both looks and dresses cute) picks Derek (duh, they’ve been smooching in the hammock the last 24 hours).

This leaves Peter alone, so rather than go with the plan and pick old Eva. He bails on her and “goes with his heart” by asking Erica. Erica disses him and says no thanks Geico man, I’m taking my insurance to State Farm. So off to the loser line he goes.

Next up, Ben and Brandee. These two decide to “stick it out” for another episode. I’m thinking these two may have a shot to go all the way (not that way). I just hope Ben doesn’t annoy me too much along the way.

Teresa and Skip are up. I like these two. They are sweet and harmless or as they put it all brawn/beauty and no brains. They decide to stay together which I hope means they’ll get more screen time next episode.

The honeymooners Samantha and Mike decide to get married stick together. This means we’ll be seeing more of their home  videos. Woof.

Erica and Jason are up to bat and you know these two are splitting up. Erica picks Miles and he agrees to give it a go.

The final decision comes down to Jason. If the girl he picks accepts, then Peter and the remaining chick have to pack their bags. If the girl he picks doesn’t choose him, then he could be gone.

He goes with Jessica (who I love) and she accepts which means Peter and Vanessa are going home. Nice move, Peter. Way to let your heart get you sent home. Don’t be confused though, I am totally happy about this. I could barely stand to look at these two anymore. Bracelets off. Syonara suckers.

So, like I said before, I wasn’t too thrilled with this episode. It wasn’t boring, it just lacked oomph. I think next week will be better when there are fewer couples. Let’s stick with it friends – I think we could have a good one on our hands.

So, I wasnt thrilled with this episode but I think now that we;re getting fewer couples it will get better. Stick with this friends. I think we’ve got a good one on our hands (the previews for next week showed a lot of people kissing in hot tub so I know the SE factor will be high).

What do you think of this show? Who are your favorites? Or more importantly, who makes your skin crawl?

The Challenge is up next. Until then… stay tuned.

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I love TV so much I persuaded work to let me write about it.

Note: This is a shameless plug. (But hey, isn’t that what blogging is all about?)

So you all know how much I love television (obvi – this blog is entirely dedicated to it). But I wanted to pass along news of a feat I’ve recently accomplished (yeah, I’m making it sound like a bigger deal than it is) – I’ve persuaded (or tricked, fooled, whatever word you want to use) work to let me write about it for our company blog. Yup, not sure if it’s a good thing or not but now my work comrades know about my obsession with The Bachelorette and Pretty Little Liars.

Thought you all would like to see that Secondary Embarrassment is seeping into the B2B world.  So if you care (you probably don’t) check it out here. (Also, I am aware the main SE will come from seeing my ridiculously awful work pick. No need to comment about it. I know it is bad.)

And if you’re more interested in waiting for my play by play accounts of Love in the Wild – stop by tomorrow!

Until then… stay tuned.

 

 

 

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Bentley on the Brain. – The Soup’s Bachelorette Blabber

Hey friends. So it’s Tuesday and because of the birth of our great nation, we were spared from watching Ashley blabber on about Bentley for one week. Don’t worry friends, The Soup and Joel McHale are here to help us play an abbreviated version of the Bentley drinking game (and probably kill us).

I couldn’t let a Tuesday go by without a Bachelorette post, so please enjoy this fabulous montage (yes, for once a montage I can get behind) that adequately sums up all we hate about this season.

My favorite line is “Ashley continues to captivate the nation with her courageous fight against good decisions and her spot on imitation of nails on a chalkboard.” Thank you Joel for saying what we’re all been trying to put into words.

Love in the Wild AND  Rivals: The Challenge Wednesday night.

Until then… stay tuned.

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Love in the Wild aka Paradise Hotel with Adventures

I thought it was about time to dedicate myself to another reality TV train wreck  dating show, so when I saw the previews for  ‘Love in the Wild’ I knew that I had to give this one a go. I was not disappointed. Beyond that, I absolutely loved it. It  has everything that this season of The Bachelorette is lacking – mostly people who, while vapid and self-centered, are not as boring as folding clothes (sorry, that was insulting to clothes everywhere).

'Love in the Wild" Yes please.

‘Love in the Wild’ is essentially an exact copy of Paradise Hotel which if you read this blog regularly, you know will go down as my favorite reality show of all time. On Paradise Hotel people were forced to couple up and then each week someone would leave the show and they would bring someone new in. They were also forced to share a room which allowed for more hook-ups, back-stabbing and gratuitous ab shots.

Love in the Wild is very similar. So there are 10 dudes and 10 chicks – all relatively attractive (with some Monets mixed in) with the exception of a caveman and a girl who appears to be on the fast track to looking like this (I’m looking at you Vanessa. Slow down on the plastic surgery). They have to pair up and complete adventures (I like how they, rightly so,  classify open-mouthed kissing as an adventure). The winning couple is spared elimination while the remaining pairs can re-pick partners until there are an odd man and woman out. Between the adventure and the elimination, the contestants get liquored up, hang out at the pool and have to share a room. Love it. Also, the winning couple gets to go spend the night at a fantasy suite (for lack of a better term) complete with hot tub.

Basically it took the best parts of Paradise Hotel, The Amazing Race, Bachelor Pad and added a splash of The Bachelor/Bachelorette. Then they moved the show to Costa Rica. And to top it off, they also picked an awesome (so far) Australian host who makes fun of them and forces the contestants to hug. All it took was 5 minutes and I was hooked.

Because I wasn’t sure if I would be able to commit to Love in the Wild (’til death do us part is a long time, like 13 episodes), I didn’t watch this episode with my computer in tow to take notes (Yes, I am that nerdy. I’ve accepted it. So should you.). So here are some of my favorite highlights.

The preview montage pretty much had everything I was looking for in a reality show. This was a good example of a necessary and effective montage – Bachelorette producers, take note. Our hunky host Darren let’s us know that these 20 contestants are here on the “Greatest adventure of all. Love. And right then, we knew it was on.

So the couples are:

Dawn and Jared
Vanessa and Steele (who is a pro-golfer which instantly makes Drew love this show)
Erica and miles
Samantha and mike
Jessica and skip
Kym and Derek
Heather and ben
Brandy and Adam
Jason and Jessica
Teresa and Peter

For the first adventure, the contestants begin by constructing a raft and sailing down river. Each pair is given a map which with directions on where to head. This instantly begins the fight every couple has had for all eternity. Which way do we go?

Some couples are obviously better than others (and some people just want to talk about how their groin is sore. thanks miles for the TMI) with Samantha and Mike being exponentially better than Dawn and Jared which means  S&M (yup, I’m calling them that) won and SEVEN HOURS later Dawn and Jared finally finished. Host Darren was clearly annoyed that he had to stand out there and wait til nightfall for those losers to finish.

The winning duo head to their fantasy suite at a fancy hotel while the rest of the couples head back to a resort where they binge drink while hot tubbing (and we all know how dangerous that can be). The one take-away here is that we find out who is going to be coo coo for cocoa puffs and who just wants to hook-up as much as possible. Vanessa and Kym are looking to be our crazies while Steele and Derek are just trying to get it where they can. We also find out that not all the contestants have banging bodies (I won’t name names) and that everyone hates Ben.

While the other singles are having the time of their lives, Samantha and Mike sit Indian style on their hotel bed and practice getting to first base (So I’m guessing they won’t be using the hot tub). These two form an “instant connection” and I’m thinking that these two will probably be an established couple the entire season. As for the rest of the crew, they all play musical partners and switch it up.

I didn’t make note of all the new pairs but I do know that Vanessa kept her crazy claws in Steele so they are still a duo. At the end of the day, Dawn and Jared (aka slow and slower) had to pack their bags and head on home.

Darren "The Scruffy CH" McMullen

This recap was pretty piss poor but this was really just an experiment to decide whether this show was worth adding to the blog’s repertoire and I’ve officially decided it is. Unlike The Bachelorette, where I continuously bash my head against the wall out of her stupidity and boring-ness, Love in the Wild left me wanting more. It is full of SE, fake ta-ta’s (or bombs as my brother-in-law calls them), ab-tastic dudes with the potential for juicy hookups, backstabbing and lots and lots of crying. But if you want to read some of the dumb s**t people said on the show last night, check this out. 

Bring. It. On.

Next week, I promise to bring a play-by-play recap that will make you love  this show as much as I do.

Until then… stay tuned!

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Update: What we’re watching next! The Challenge: Rivals, Big Brother & Love in the Wild

Happy Monday friends. We all know the only happy  thing about Mondays are the 8 pm start time of The Bachelorette (okay. that may be debatable). But since we are all a little disappointed with our girl Ashley and the constant blabbering about Bentley, I thought I should go ahead and dedicate myself to another show.

No worries (not that many of you would be that worried), but I will still be faithfully covering The Bachelorette but I am going to attempt to add a couple new shows to Secondary Embarrassment. Lord knows there is plenty of material out there – it simply came down to choosing.

Based on feedback – I am going to try these three shows: MTV’s The Challenge Rivals, CBS’s Big Brother and NBC’s Love in the Wild.

Wait this show is still on?

It’s been a LONG time since I’ve watched the Challenge but it was one of my most favorite shows before I made the switch to HD and lost track of MTV. Now that MTV is in HD, I’m going to try to get back to my 20-year-old TV viewing roots and get back into The Challenge. Hopefully there will still be some familiar faces in the cast of characters. I’m guessing yes since those people (like our friends on The Bachelor/Bachelorette) make a career out of that crap. I’ve DVR’ed the first episode so I can catch up in anticipation of the next episode. (Update: Judging from the 2 minutes I spent looking for pictures online, I can confirm that I recognize about 80% of the contestants. I guess it hasn’t been THAT long since I watched the Real World regularly. That or these people really need to get lives.)

I’ve never been a Big Brother fan but multiple readers have said I need to check it out. So that’s what we’re gonna do. I’m hoping to drag Drew into this one although since this one is on multiple nights a week,  I’m not sure if I’ll be able to. We’ll see when it starts on July 7th.

Last but not least, I’m committing to seeing what this Love in the Wild is all about. I am guessing it will be a mix of  The Bachelor/Bachelorette rain forest/rappelling/jungle dates and Bachelor Pad/Paradise Hotel. We’ll see on June 29th when it kicks off. Here’s a preview of what we’re in store for. Love in the Wild – Preview: Welcome to the Jungle – Video – NBC.com.

I just noticed that by committing to these shows, I have all the major networks covered with the exception of FOX. This is me officially putting them on notice to bring back Paradise Hotel and/or Temptation Island. I’m watching you Rupert Murdoch.

I hope you all are prepared for tonight’s Most Vomit-Inducing Episode Ever of The Bachelorette (how’s that hyperbole Chris Harrison!).

Until then… stay tuned.

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Filed under Big Brother, Love in the Wild, The Challenge: Rivals

What are we watching next? Spreading the SE Beyond The Bachelorette

Happy Friday friends.

So I’ve been thinking. I think we’ve all agreed that this season of The Bachelorette isn’t stellar. It’s not even really that great. It’s kind of meh. This doesn’t mean I am going to stop watching (and recapping), it just means I’m less than enthused about Ashley H.’s search for love.

I need some secondary embarrassment excitement in my life. I’m planning on dedicating some time over the weekend to catch up on the latest season of Toddlers & Tiaras after which I will faithfully blog about the experience. But I need something new to commit to and I want you all to be on board with it.

What I’m asking is, what other show do I NEED to be watching (with my laptop, taking notes as it happens) without the use of my trusty DVR. What would you like to read about the next day? Housewives (of the New Jersey variety), Big Brother, any new summer show (of the dating and/or talent variety), something else on Bravo.

Is there some undiscovered treasure trove of SE that I have no idea about? Please share the love.

If I get zero comments on this post, I’ll know that the love was not shared. And then I’ll be personally embarrassed which will require another blog post. It’s a vicious circle.

Photo: Bravo TV

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Help a friend out.

Until then… stay tuned.

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