It’s back. The montages, the awkwardness, the amazing, never gonna happen in your lifetime dates (well at least my lifetime, I’m holding out hope that some readers out there are riding elephants on safari, flying everywhere by helicopter and zip-lining their way to love), bottomless glasses of champagne and more montages. I couldn’t be happier.
The blog lacked a little focus without this reliable favorite from the fine folks at ABC. So without further ado, let’s jump into this hot tub of a recap. (Note: I may end up having to break this recap into two posts… this thing could be a doozy.)
Predictably we start with a montage. By the end of the season, I’m usually about done with all the 5-minute montages but I welcome this one with open arms. We see the whole Ashley/Brad story – blah blah blah. Then it’s on to the new & improved Ashley montage.
Ashley. She’s a dentist. She’s a dancer. She lives in Philly.
Also, we find out that Ashley has not been emotionally eating since her “break up” (her words, not mine) with Brad. Her body is still smoking even if she is rocking the sad brunette ‘do. Point Ashley. I love the dancing parts of the montage, especially the one where she does an interpretative dance in an empty auditorium. Could this be more poignant? I’m almost swept away in the dancing when they cut back to the uber-cheesy shots of Ashley running around town like a chicken with her head cut off. Jazz Hands! Jumping! Running straight into the camera! Oh, look I’m Rocky!
This is all voiced-over with her saying she “can’t wait to find love” and that she will “be leaving with a husband.” Since she seems like a nice (and ridiculously peppy) girl, I hope it works out for her. But let’s just say the odds are not in her favor.
Now it’s on to the dudes. I’m setting the over/under at the amount of douchey tools at 13. (We already know we have two with mask dude and drunk dude – damn you ABC and your previews.)
Chris Harrison hops on-screen as he tries to soak up as much face time as he can before he becomes practically irrelevant on the show. He blabbers on with some hyperbole about these being the most amazing bachelors ever in the whole wide world so I’m like enough already, let’s meet ’em.
Contestant #1 – Ryan, 31, who “genuinely wants better for the world.” First off, who says that. Second, other than Kim Jong-Il, Dr. Evil and Voldemort (Yes! Snuck in a Harry Potter reference) doesn’t everyone want better for the world? Anyways, Ryan is saving the world one solar panel at a time and he will tell you about every last one of those panels. He will also prove how interested he is in finding true love by holding his hands up in the shape of a heart in front of the sun while saying “The only thing stronger than the sun is love.” No, really. He did that.
Contestant #2 – J.P., 34, construction manager and resident hottie hipster. At first I’m a little hesitant of his hipster ways but he wins me over with his good looks and smile. I’m thinking I may have a favorite here.
Contestant #3 – Ames, 34, resident smarty pants. He went to Yale, he went to Harvard and in between he went to every other Ivy League school and got way more degrees than you. He’s smart. Get it?
Contestant #4 – Ben, 28, lawyer from New Orleans. This is the guy that went to Tulane with my bestie’s sister. He seems nice enough and I love the fact that he’s from New Orleans, so I’m gonna give him a pass for now.
Contestant #5 – Benjamin, 28, wine maker. Benji (yup, that’s his new nickname) has his pros and cons. Pros – he owns a winery. Cons – he dresses like a 13 year-old boy and has the hair cut and awkward walk to match. Of course, he throws in a some wine-related sexual innuendo for good measure.
Contestant #6 – Bentley, 28, businessman. What does that mean? You can’t be anymore specific than businessman? There’s your first red flag. The second red flag comes when we find out his daughter’s name is Cozy. Really? That is not a name. I’m sure she is a precious little girl, but that name is (in the words of the great Charles Barkley) tuurrible. That’s like naming your kid warm or comfortable. Even if I hadn’t seen all the foreboding previews I would know this dude’s a tool.
Contestant #7 – Anthony, 28,
Goodfellas extra butcher. This guy couldn’t be more perfect for the next mob movie. At first I like him since he seems semi-normal but then he just seems a little off. There is something a bit awkward about him but he’s pretty cute in that old-fashioned Italian way, so I’m letting the weird-vibe go for now.
Contestant #8 – West, 30, lawyer. Here’s the part all the West defenders who have commented on the blog have been waiting for (actually, they probably haven’t been waiting for it. But I’m just going to pretend they have to make myself feel better). West seems…. boring. He also doesn’t come across as all that sympathetic. He doesn’t seem too sad or eaten up about the loss of his wife. I’m not going to compare it to good ‘ole Emily Maynard who choked up every time Ricky was mentioned but a little more emotion would have been nice. Moving on.
Contestant #9 – William, 30, cellular phone salesman. One thing we learn during William’s montage, that he has no clue how to use an umbrella. Lots of introspective shots of him around Columbus, most of which make him seem a little goofy, which at this point, I won’t hate it. It’s somewhat endearing (mostly cause I’ve already seen the end of the show where he does the funny impressions, why don’t they show that kind of s**t during the show. I loved it!).
Chris is back and seems to forget Ashley’s name for a second before introducing her. But then she hops out of the limo, does a backflip, spins around three times and jumps into a herkie and lands next to Chris Harrison. Okay that didn’t happen, but it would have been a lot cooler if it had. I’m a little disappointed with her dress selection. It’s pretty, for sure, but very sparkly and just seems too pageant-girl for her.
She sits down by the fire with Chris (who is still trying to make the most out of his camera-time) and instantly wins favor with me when she acknowledges how whiny and insecure she seemed last season. Agreed Ashley. You got to be a little much down the stretch. I’m hoping you can keep that in check this season. Fingers crossed.
Before I am totally on her side though, she throws up some jazz hands and says the word “awesome” at least 10 times. I thought the jazz hands had slowed down until I realized they were lurking right beneath the camera. If you watched closely, they popped up every minute or so.
Ashley (and by Ashley, I mean Michelle via Ashley) decides to bring the drama early this season. She says she got a call from a friend (duh it’s our favorite crazy from Salt Lake City, Michelle Money!) saying that Bentley doesn’t have good intentions and is there for fame and not love (well isn’t that all what you’re really there for anyways?). Despite this, Ashley promises to give him a fair shot. As she continues clapping rhythmically I almost fall into a trance but then Chris Harrison shakes me out of it and I realize we still have one more hour to go!
I’ll be back later with the party re-cap. Who is your favorite so far? More importantly, who is your least favorite? Actually, I take that back. Most importantly, what do you think of the name Cozy?
Until part two… stay tuned!