Sorry for breaking this recap up but I had to take a break or as Ashley would call it a “dot dot dot.”
So as Brian Fellows would say “Let’s get GOING!” (Once again, I had to insert a clip of something funny that I love to make this recap worthwhile.)
Group Date: Dragon Boat Racing
Is it bad that I got excited for the group date because it meant that Ames would be there to amuse me with his awesome facial expressions? Well if it’s bad, I don’t want to be good.
Ashley is there in a tie-front top so, if there were any doubts, it’s now confirmed we’re on a group date. We find out that the dudes are going to do some dragon boat racing. As we all wonder aloud what that means, Ashley informs us like a seasoned local (or a clueless American reading cue cards). The dudes are broken up into pairs.
As if it’s an apology for the awfulness of these season, the producers pair up the twins aka Benstantine. I love it. Clearly they do too. Their bromance is real. Not sure if it is a self-love thing since essentially they are the same person. But whatever it is – I like it.
The other pairings are the rivals Blake and Ryan (Ryan’s all “Rivals? We’re not Rivals. I love Blake!”) and the brains Ames and Mickey. The twist is that each team needs to find 8 other people to help row their dragon boats. This means the crew of obnoxious Americans (minus Ames cause he probably speaks Mandarin) will be let loose on the market (again? really?) to annoy and pester the locals.
It’s such a Benstantine move to try to recruit chicks. Hey Guys – you’re here trying to score with this Ashley chick, there will be plenty of time to explore the local flavor when she kicks you off. In the mean time, you need to find some strong dudes to help you row.
Clearly this message is not lost on Ames and Mickey who are able to find every experienced dragon boat racer in Hong Kong in a matter of minutes.
Team Blyan depend on Ryan’s solar-powered positive personality to recruit their motley crew of rowers. Meanwhile, Benstantine get stoned and buy matching outfits (like we weren’t confused enough already).
Race time. Ashley is impressed with Team Maemes recruiting skills, she is less impressed with the twins outfits. I, on the other hand, must thank the producers for this small favor. Watching them parade down the beach in matching red robes with a posse of ready-to-row chicks in tow is pure genius. Can we make these two the next Bachelors. Maybe it can be Parent Trap-style (lots of LaLohan references lately).
As expected Team Mames and their team of ringers win and the look of confusion on Ames’ face when they cross the finish line makes me believe that he is still dealing with the after-effects of his concussion. Yup, his facial expression was awesome. Feel free to check it out here at the 3:08 mark. You’re welcome.
So the black teams wins and during their victory celebration, another couple gets engaged. You can see all the guys start sweating and awkwardly fidgeting. No worries boys, there’s a good chance you won’t be forced into a false engagement with Ashley. Before we break for the evening portion of the group date, Ashley gives us this brilliant comment. “Every time I spend time with them, I get to know them better.” Yeah Ashley, it’s weird how that works.
Ashley feels like tonight is gonna be a good night, well isn’t it always a good time when Ames wears TWO collared shirts at once. One is just not enough for a good time. To keep with the awkward Ames theme, the pair hop into an elevator and head to the 48th floor. When Ashley asks him if he’s been there before I am expecting him to say yes since he’s been everywhere else in the world. Instead, he grabs Ashley and sticks his tongue down her throat as they climb 48 floors high. The sloppy kissing noises were almost too much to bear. Just when I thought I liked you Ames you go and ruin it with some open mouth kissing.
After tongue kissing Ames, Ashley grabs the next preppiest guy, Ben and decides one awkward kissing encounter just isn’t enough. So after some Scooby snacks, Ashley and Ben get their spit swapping on. Woof. (Next time ABC I would much prefer the deleted scenes of them using their dog voices and that’s saying something.)
Next up is Ryan. While the guys sit around talking about how annoying Ryan is, he’s off helping an insecure girl feel good about herself. Who knew all you needed to do to get a rose was remind Ashley that you’re there for her (Really? I can’t believe you’re all here for Me! That is so exciting!) So Prince Charming does his thing and soon Princess Fiona is scooting off to snag the rose for him. This really pisses the other guys off and despite their threats, they do not pack up and leave that very moment. (I know, bummer.)
As Ashley blabbers on, telling us how she FINALLY realizes the guys are there for her, Drew and I discuss a very important topic. If we’re seeing Ashley say the same thing over and over again imagine how many times she must have said it before editing. Yikes. I feel like sending the editor a cookie cake right now.
The group date ends and it’s finally on to the good stuff…
Jordan Paul’s One-on-One.
Sporting her standard loose blouse, Ashley is ready to ruin all of JP’s precious camera time with her insecurity and hair touching. When she mentions Bentley on this date, I want to drop kick her. You are on a date with the best thing to happen to this season. Do not ruin it with talk of that loser.
At this point I’m considering turning off the sound so I can just watch JP without having to hear Ashley’s whining. Ashley notices that she and JP have one major difference. “You’re so confident” she says. Um yeah, he’s a smoking hottie without daddy issues. Why wouldn’t he be confident?
I think ABC should call this season a wash and just create a new fall rom-com reality show, Odd Couple-style, with JP and Ames. They both live in New York right? Think about how awesome that show would be. One’s in construction, one’s in finance. One is messy, one is not. One is a smoking hottie and one is the reincarnation of the Hunchback of Notre Dame. If this is the next ABC hit show don’t say I didn’t call it first.
So after some mindless chatter, Ashley officially ruins the date by coming clean about Bentley. Jordan Paul doesn’t take the bait and is lovely and understanding which totally pisses me off. I thought this would make him hate her and then cement him as the next Bachelor. (I knew it wouldn’t happen but a girl can dream.)
Ashley’s monologue about falling for Bentley make me hate her even more. She definitely doesn’t deserve sweet, sweet JP. On an entirely separate note, why don’t JP and Ashley ever have a full day/night date? I feel jipped.
JP forgives Ashley despite her unworthiness of his forgiveness. Since Ashley’s a smitten kitten (can’t blame her) she gives him the rose (duh) and he oddly wears it on his shirt the rest of the date. So JP spends the train ride part of the date looking like he’s heading to homecoming. The date ends with Ashley fishing for compliments and a dash of tongue kissing. (Yeah I still hate it, even when it’s JP.)
Rose Ceremony aka The Men Revolt aka Ashley Let’s the Girls Out!
Ashley is all dolled up and ready
to appear in the Miss Teen USA pageantto get her cocktail on. Ashley’s anxiety and insecurity about her boobs have been haunting her since the roast date (similar to the experience with Bentley) so she decides to show them what’s up and let the girls out.
Obviously they “captivate” the brahs who all start drooling and making honking noises. This is obviously all before she breaks the Bentley news to them.
Ashley rounds up her cowboys and sits them around the campfire for a little tale. Unfortunately for Ashley, the guys don’t take to this tale like our saint JP did. They are pissed and they let our girl know.I wish one of them would pick her up (“OMG! I can’t believe you can carry ME!”) and throw her in the ocean.
Well at least one of them does, nah I wish. Although Mickey is the only one with some cojones (Blake breaks like a pencil under the pressure of Ashley’s cleavage). Mickey tells her to send him home and she’s like you can leave if you want so he’s like “sayonara sucker” and he’s out.
After everyone gets a chance to call out Ashley, she cries and runs into the judging arms of Chris Harrison. CH is all “what did you expect?” and Ashley gets her ugly cry on (Bentley did call it on that one). Her crying is HORRIBLE. She’s a hiccup crier which I think is the worst kind of on-screen crier. CH once again tells her to pull it together and it’s rose time.
Ashley makes her rose decision while we listen to the sweet sounds of the music they play when you get a massage. The difference is that normally I love this music because it means someone is rubbing away my stress, aches and pains. Tonight the music is only emphasizing the desperation and insecurity that is Ashley Hebert.
Ashley’s Boobs Give Roses To:
(Lucas, JP and Ryan already have roses)
- Ben F.
I’m pretty happy about this because it means we get at least one more week of Ames’ amazing facial expressions. Blake must pack up his dental gear (and his collection of pin stripe suits) and leave. Before heading out for good, he let’s us know that he “just wants a friend.” Well Blake, I’m sure you’ll find plenty of “friends” on Bachelor Pad.
Next week: The Hidden Jewel of Asia… Taiwan!
I’m happy we all survived another week of this trash. Tomorrow night I’ll be checking out the premier of Love in the Wild and I’ll be back on Thursday to recap it! What did you all think was the worst moment of this week’s episode?
Until then… stay tuned!